Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced

Something to think about ain't it? Like it or not, life's like that. Take a look at yours and you will understand what that statement means. Before i continue, i have a passage to share:

"I watched the proverbial sunrise coming up over the pacific and you might think i'm losing my mind. But i will shy away from the specifics, cause i don't want you to know where i am. Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been and this is no place to try to live my life.

Stop right there, that's exactly where i lost it. See that line? Well, i never should have crossed it. Stop right there! Well, i never should've said that. It's the very moment that i wish that i could take back.

I'm sorry for the person i became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure i never become that way again. Cause who i am hates who i've been!

I talked to absolutely no one, couldn’t keep to myself enough. And the things bottled inside had finally begun to create so much pressure that i'd soon blow up! I heard the reverberating footsteps, syncing up to the beating of my heart and i was positive that unless i got myself together i would watch me fall apart.

Who i am will take the second chance you gave me. Who i am hates who i've been, cause who i've been, only ever made me!"

Kinda sums up everything. So don't have to ask about me anymore.

And so i finally got out off my iron gate this evening. It's the first time i stepped out after meeting up Sam few days back since last Friday. And before i know it, it's Saturday now. Is that how you label someone as hermit? You tell me.

So i'm out this evening to the hypermart, Fairprice Xtra, over at the Basement 2 of the AMK Complex. Huge is probably the only word i can think off. It's basically somewhat like Suntec's Carrefour, maybe abit smaller cause it's only one level. Anyway, i'm not auntie enough to linger long, what's more the crowds are forbidding me to explore much either.

The only constructive thing i have done for the whole of last week probably goes to helping my friend to get a blog done up, which is going to be a portal to sell some earrings, necklaces and such. Maybe you might see me doing some promotion for her in my blog, hopefully soon after she got her products all made, and i'm sure you know how girls can so 'efficient' when it comes to getting things done.

And after getting in touch with some stuff to do, i'm tempted to do some DIY bike models yet again. Haven't done one since February but it's partly due to the fact that there isn't any new models out in the stores. I was telling my friend about maybe i could collaborate with her and post some bike models to sell on the blog as well. My call was that some guys do like motorbikes and maybe ladies out there can get one for their boyfriends or male friends as birthday presents or something. Personalised it to something unique to the guy. Afterall the market for ladies is probably more dependable, since they spend like water running off the tap.

When i did my first bike model about 3 years ago, i had the idea of making 1 every time i get my payslip. But then my payslip since then wasn't that frequent and of cause it's not that cheap to do that all the time. Not to mention the time spend for each model can be up to 7 hours. So maybe when i do have more time and money all saved up, i could continue my idea again. I picture that as my retirement hobby, something to train and keep my eyesight perfect too.

University results are out, not sure if it's all universities across the island, but definitely NUS, and so far i heard about 4 friends' result, good news, all passed. Then again, all passed means happy? Or maybe they wanted more? I guess good is never good enough. Bet you yourself had the feeling after you received results from your previous exams or tests. Though of cause you do get relieved passing your most worried modules or sometimes bonusly delighted scoring distinction for modules you would be happy just to get an A.

So my friend was then telling me how he envied those female at his age, who has already graduated from universities and are into the working force. And this i can tell you, those who have been in army long enough would probably have the same thought of going back to school as soon as possible. Of cause, the grass is always greener over the fence, those ladies who are already in the working society, would probably look at us in green enjoying lives, getting overseas trainings, having long 18 days leave like me, blah blah blah, you fill in the blanks.

One last thought before i wrap up.

As i'm typing this post, i'm just thinking why do i want to have a blog. And apparently as i run through my head with my friends who have blogs, and the contents of their posts, somehow it's not difficult to notice that those who blog are having some unhappiness about their lives. Maybe not for some SPG, who i don't know writes for attention or simply get high with super high traffic and page views for their blogs.

But for my friends' blogs which i do take a look regularly, i realised they are not those who are happy with their lives. Well, you can be arguing with me that no one is always happy and such, but i'm sure those who blog understood me. I see my friends who doesn't blog, they seemed to be those who are really busy with their lives, probably enjoying and utilising every minute of it.

Anyway how often you see someone's blog with 10 out 10 posts all about how his/her fun or positive experiences? Ok, maybe perfect 10 is too much to call for, how about 7 out of 10? I would dare to say that most bloggers on average 7 of 10 posts are sad experiences instead. Maybe blog is a source to express one's sorrow? At least you don't get chilled back for what you are thinking are nonsensical or that you should get a life, move on, instead of whining. Apparently it's not hard to see that my blog has been and will always be the case.

To both who think blogging are waste of time, or those who blogs, refer to the title of this post again. Eventually it will be gone, so just do what you want, your way, your style. There's never a right or wrong. Till then.

Happy Boxing Day

Yeah right, how happy can it be? So as i was sharing with my occasional prata buddy(Sam) about the big philosophies yet again few hours ago, i started telling him how interesting this Christmas weekend was to me. Let me just roughly list them here, just note that they not in order of sequence of which the events happened, but i'll try to make them run in order for easy reading purposes.

SMS-ed my close OCS buddy(U-Jin) and bid him bon voyage for his holiday trip to Manchester. The only request i had for him after his kind thought of wanting to get me something, was to bring Torres to Old Trafford next year. For those football fans out there, i'm sure you know what i meant. Though he also promised me that he would bring Eric Cantona's statue back for me as well, i'm sure my request will be entertained by him. We shall see.

Got some calls and SMS-es from this egoistic, lives in her own world gal(Sharin), and i'm not being rude here, for that she proudly admits to them and has intentions of bringing this strong character of hers down to her grave. Strange like the person itself, the conversation came from a peculiar place; funeral. And so the question was posted to me asking about my experience with funeral, and yeah i know have some to share.

In fact i have attended 5-8 funerals so far, not really a good number to be proud of though and i was pretty young back then. 4 of which were my grandparents, 1 my cousin, 1 or 2 more for my relatives. All of these which i have attended were not just the mere visiting on certain days but staying over for days. I still recalled my grandparents' funeral were the most memorable ones. All for the wrong reasons.

Like how i dozed off trying to keep awake sitting on a stone chair, and the next thing i knew was that i'm already lying just inches away from the wooden box. Chinese apparently has the believe that young kids should sleep near the deceased. For that we will be protected or some sort, but i wasn't that freaked out when i woke up. Not forgetting the cold pale white faces i saw through the small glass-window opening before the casket was nailed shut. And also the sad but unforgettable images of the casket being pushed into the flames, though as a young kid i was supposed to be back-facing it when it's being cremated.

So ask me how i feel about funerals, i'm pretty numbed by it now, but nonetheless, it does make me appreciate life. My cousin's funeral was one not to be forgotten. Young NUS undergraduate killed in a car crash. The images of her in stitches after they tried to put her back from pieces and into shape for the funeral, still vividly lingers at the back of my head. Imagine lying there with all the injuries, i bet it hurt triple more than what you feel when you sees it.

So now you must be thinking whether all these caused me bad childhood memories. And maybe explains why i'm so fucked-up now. You tell me.

Spend the day writing some greeting testimonials for my peers in friendster and sent some Hallmark E-cards out. Like i mentioned previously, small deeds and actions which goes a long way. Whether it's meaningful or not, just give me some credits for spending time on it. Nonetheless, the effort is immeasurable.

SMS greetings from my peers wishing me a merry x'mas which never really turned out to be one, start coming towards the fairy midnight. It's nice to get one or two well wishes especially those i haven't been in contact for ages. Thanks once again.

MSN messages and call from my so-called gay buddy cum neighbour across the street cum ex-guildmaster, cum ex-schoolmate(Kenneth), so i guess it didn't take you long to find out why i'm still single don't you now? He got back from his x'mas celebration and was having bad tummy aches. Probably around 3am or so, when he left me a MSN message telling me he's heading to hospital. 8am or so in the morning, he dragged me out of my dreams to tell me that he's in SGH and will probably remain under observations and hospitalize for few more days, apparently over some virus infection.

SMS-es from a gal whom i once gamed with for many late nights(Esther), came asking me about Kenneth's condition. He finally got back to her around 8pm. The rest i would say is history.

Finished my CSI Las Vegas season 4 and 5, particularly pissed with the fact that most season 4 discs were faulty and jumped or hanged while trying to watch them. Nonetheless, the last 2 episodes of season 5 did make me emotional enough to feel worthwhile getting all the CSI series. When following evidence like a good CSI do, almost leads you to a live burial in a glass casket. Scenes which were touching enough to make you tear and you can bet on that, even if you're not a big follower of CSI.

Hosted a game of Dota for my buddies(Eugene, Sam, Derrick, Soontat) and spent almost 90 minutes on it. Never really like the idea of playing Dota, but i did it for the sake of everyone and knowing that it would take up quite some time away when i'm into the game, it was a good deal after all.

Spending more than a hour here typing this post, trying to get all my thoughts out here at 4:35am.

So as i wrap this post up, some of you might be wondering why i mentioned names. Not sure how many had the thought about whether my post sometimes are referring to them and such, thus i guess its better i try to list the names down whenever i could. If you're strong objections about your name being written or your speech being quoted out here, feel free to shut me up by leaving your name and your request in my tagboard. And you can be sure that your name will never appear again.

Now that you have gone through roughly what the great things i did for this lovely weekend, tell me that i should be expecting an even greater boxing day today.

As i'm typing this post out, i'm getting unsure about myself. I felt like i'm not really typing what i'm thinking. And all these thoughts somehow seemed so gloomy and sadistic. Call it dry-humour maybe, but it's just pure rubbish at times. Flattered by a comment from my pal (Maddie) in Australia, that i wrote well, with a stroke of genius for that what i wrote makes the reader forgets what i'm trying to get across at the end of it. Even repeated reading of my posts just only makes you feel sad. Period.

I wonder if that's what you call excellent writing, write to confuse and confuse to convince. Well, that's all i have. Whether it makes any sense to you or not, probably more junks will be coming out if i continue any further. Till then.

Happy 2007 in advance.

The Holiday








Once again, the title speaks for itself. Just got back from a late midnight show: The Holiday. It's quite an interesting show i would say. And if you ask me why, i think the reason why i'm blogging at this hour should tell you more than what i'm gonna say. Nonetheless, if you have intention to catch a movie or so around this period of time, you might just wanna consider it. No commission or whatsoever, just my 2 cents worth of opinion. Somehow despite the not-so-bad box office sales for Death Note, my peers were not keen on Death Note 2. That leaves you some food for thoughts.

Anyway, after keeping myself at home and procrastinating to head out, partly due to the teary clouds lately and the lack of activity friends, i finally spare myself from staring at either my console games or the widescreen monitor. And especially so since my CSI Las Vegas season 4 and 5 just arrived last night, and that could means more home-staying and be glued to them for hours.

So apparently this secondary school buddy of mine seems to be some sort of disarray with his relationship, has been asking me out for drinking lately. Couldn't really get much out of the horse mouth regarding his problems though, but it's apparent that he want accompany for this period of time. Well, like it or not, it's my duty call again. Someone should just remain me again that it's because of the fact that they find me as someone trustworthy, nice to hang out with, good listener, blah blah, blah, which explains why i'm often seek upon whenever they're on the downhill. Give me a break.

Drink we didn't, but we managed to pull out 2 more buddies and their partners down for a show instead. And also, this buddy of mine managed to get hold of another gal, also from our secondary days to come along. Now that leaves me thinking why my service was rendered in the first place. 3 pairs + me. That's just so making up the numbers ain't it? I'm starting to dislike the idea that i'm the odd one out when there's a group outing. More than often i am staring at my own shadow. But of course like i said earlier, it's a good thing i do step out and breathe some fresh air.

So the evening started with my buddy asking me a question before the rest of them meets us up later at the night. The question which sets me to do some real counting; How long have i been single? So after some quick calculation, it adds up to almost 32 months. You do the maths and tell me that's how many years. The funny thing was that just a few days back, my ex happened to sms me and somehow we touched on the issue that my buddies are now all busy with their commitments, so she was telling me to get myself a gf too. Well, i don't think i need to dwell into that, my reply to that sort of question is usually a, "Find me one then!?"

Not a bad thing to be single though, at least i'm spared the informal yet awkward introduction of spouses to one another. All i did when the 7 of us finally met up, was to stare and can't help giggled at the awkward situation whereby my buddy has to break the ice and do the introduction across the board. And also, i'm spared having to ask another person what to have or what she wants, when we had a short stopover at Starbucks before the movie. But i'm also sure that i don't have to go through all the bad things about being single, cause that sucks.

Anyway, back to the 130+ minutes movie, the show portrayed quite a few learning for me to take away. Though of cause the movie ended with the traditional, "The Princess live happily ever after with the Prince", the show did set me up into some thoughts. I can't stop thinking even for a sec don't i?

I can't remember every single word in the show itself, but there's a part where Kate Winslet(Iris) was sharing with Jack Black(Miles) about her past with Rufus Sewell(Jasper), on how she stood for him despite the very fact that she knew he never truly like her or anything, but because she tries to have this false thinking that he IS the guy for her, he's something unbelievable that has ever happened to her and despite knowing that it's one sided, whenever Rufus Sewell(Jasper) did something small for her, she would forget about everything that he had let her down before and continue to have the hope that he do cares deeply for her.

This is just what has been happening to me for the past many months. Having the false impression that by being there for someone i already knew it's never going to happen, i would slowly make her see that i'm the right one and to live with the slightest of hope that she do have some feeling for me whenever she did something nice for me. The reality is that, it's never the case. Unless i let it go and move on, it's never going to work out and the worse that could ever happen just like in the movie itself, to be the last to know that she's going to be married. And even that's the case, she still turn to you for help because she knew you're going to be there for her no matter what. One hand telling you how indispensable you are to her, how sweet and nice you are, yet the other hand enjoying her time with her fiance.

Things just don't work that way shouldn't it?

I guess i shouldn't do a spoiler here, to go on even further and spill all the beans out, so i'm gonna leave you to watch the show yourself.

Overall the movie did make me feel that i shouldn't play doormat all the time. More than often i knew that i'm pretty much being made use of to a certain extend, i'm just trying to kid myself and give excuses telling myself that they don't mean that way, and that i shouldn't be so narrow minded, only to harbour thoughts that i should get some returns for what i've done for them. But c'mon, you tell me, when you guys are out there enjoying with your love ones, and not in need of my help, have i ever cross your mind? Even for a second?

Maybe you did, maybe you don't. But the very fact is that i'm not the one you're with when you're enjoying. The only one i was, or tried hard playing to be, was the one who spent long nights entertaining you, helping with your work whenever you need to, making those silly jokes just to bring you a smile when the guy who made you sad is just sitting away, going through the entire net just to find your favourite this and that, hunting and doing all the illegal downloads for you cause you asked if i have this particular song or such, doing what you like hoping to find a reason to relate to you better, putting on a hat too big to even see what's in front of me just to make myself look smart to you, spending a fortune and effort making you all the special presents for your birthday, and the list just goes on and on.

So do you think these were just part and parcel of me being nice? Nice is a simple 4 letter word which requires zillions of effort, time and money. Like it or not, no matter how we shouldn't be that calculative with all these, it's a fact.

Harsh or critical i may sound, maybe just like the movie itself, i needa find another new environment, away from these and start all over again. And like i said to my close buddies, the day i think i'll be carefree, will be the day when i have my backpack on, and a SLR on hand.

When would that day be, you tell me.

December

Today marks the start of 16 uninterrupted days of leave for me, after almost 450 days serving the nation. Managed to complete a 4-day OMer course today and that concluded my days in Stagmont Camp. I was expecting to end my army life over there, but somehow like i mentioned earlier, my posting changed and Jurong Camp shall be my second home for the next 9 months. As much as i don't wish to change and blend in to another new environment, there's always an end to a banquet and life goes on.

December has somewhat always been an emotional month for me during the past few years. Not that i'll get overly emotional-engrossed with stuff, just that it has always been a month where it brings me quite a lot of memories. So with the free time i had in hand, i started going through stuff on my laptop and all the scenes just start playing like a old film on the movie screen.

Have you ever experience flashbacks at times when you go to a particular place at some corner of the island or when you stumbled upon a friend whom you have not met for age? I bet everyone does and i'm sure you will spend the next couple of minutes recalling the past, whether it's about a person or a place that meant so much to you.

Maybe if you're slightly blur by nature; you would have the luxury of escaping these wandering thoughts every now and then. Don't get me wrong on this though, for this can be a good thing after all. But somehow for my case, this stuff just keeps coming back to me.

Just last Friday evening, memories and conversations start floating up the bubbles in the air, after meeting up with a couple of friends at this particular cafe. The place was particularly special probably it was meant something for someone. So much for having a pair of elephant brains, the mega memory i had never fails me and so those words and actions remained deeply rooted.

Later in the night, a guy caught the corner of my eye. A familiar build and face yet with a not-so-familiar outfit. A guy whom i known to be happy-go-lucky, a party animal, go to work in shabby look, became a well-groomed male with shirt and pants. He's none other than my Supervisor back in my Levi's days. Been almost 16 months since i left Levi's, and so has he after some months later. I wasn't able to react fast enough to approach him, but i wonder how he's doing now, and of cause i would love to poke fun at him for his smarter outfit.

Despite the very fact that during my work stint with him, he never fails to share with me his flings, his way of partying lifestyle, educating me how to be a bastard whom takes advantage of every situation presented and the endless probes into personal issues, he's also the one who showed me the rope to customer service and handling demanding situations at times. No doubt a player by night, he can be a real worker by day. Hope he's doing ever so great now too.

I was sharing with a Levi's friend of mine who's still currently a part timer, how things have changed. The service you get when you patronize Levi's is no longer the same. I still recalled the good old days of Levi's, when i was chilled during my first week of work for spotting long hair, not forgetting my painted nails which got me quite some stares by the customers as i'm packing up their purchase. Take a good hard look at the service crew in Levi's now, and you tell me how their outlook is now, and also where's the "Welcome to Levi's!"? Good or bad, you be the judge.

On Saturday evening, i had dinner with my family over at Clarke Quay. First and foremost, things have changed tremendously over there. CQ, short note for Clarke Quay has been a meaningful place to me. I spent almost 3 years of my weekends and holidays during my poly life working there, as a waiter for Thanying Thai Restaurant. Don't go around hunting for the restaurant now though, for it has been long gone before the major revamp.

I was sitting across the river, looking over the row of restaurants just last year June on my birthday and a year and a half has passed since then. The faint screams from the G-Max still lingers over the night, and the crowd has picked up since then. Coming fresh out of secondary school, the job as a waiter was quite something for me. It started off working with another 3 buddies, and ended up with just me before the restaurant closed down. I must say i've learnt a lot from F&B service and i'm glad that what my managers and captains demanded from us last time was good take away as to what real service is all about.

And what i meant with that is that, no matter where i go for dining now, the service is never close to what i was taught and practiced back then when i was a waiter myself. I can never forget what they used to tell us that, the place we're working and where the customers had their dinner is known as fine-dining.

Every details were to be observed and that includes making sure the dishes are served hot and straight from the woks, knowing when to serve the steamed rice at the right moment just before the main courses start arriving, napkins are folded back nicely on the table when the guest leaves for washroom, plates to be cleared away the moment it's empty, topping up ice water when it's less than a 3/4 filled at all times, hot towels to be served immediately once the customers are done, and lastly present their bills fast and accurately whenever it's called upon.

Now, how often do you get this kind of service now?

All and all, i know it's not about comparing the past to the present, not to even mention expect the future to be somewhat similar to the current state, but i'm glad i was brought up the way things should be and perhaps ought to be. And to date, i still feel that Thanying offers the best authentic Thai food.

Lately, i have been seeing quite some not-so-pleasant sight of humans. Like how critical and particular we will be when it come to monetary affairs, how fake we can be trying to walk past someone pretending to see through things, how sarcastic we can be trying to tease and make fun of on one another, how pretentious we can be when facing someone we don't like, and the list just goes on and on.

And when i mentioned all these, i'm not playing Saint to say that i'm never guilty of it. I bleed when cut, and i'm sure i have my shortcomings too. But when you pause and think about it, it's kinda freaky ain't it? Because everyone does it to a certain extend, somewhat and somehow, it goes on like part and parcel of life. So as Christmas bells start ringing round the corners, maybe it's a good time to give just a little bit more to others. How and what to do for that, it all depends on each individuals. Just remember to be "less-Singaporean" when doing all the mad rush for Christmas gifts, to show perhaps just a little bit more courteous side of us and i'm sure it would make December a even better festive month to celebrate upon.

Last but not least, to those reading this, take a moment or two and start reminiscing your past, the places of sentimental meanings to you, and thanking the people around you. Because for you never know when's the next time you see them again, or if the place still exists anymore.

So long and good night.

So sick and tired of all the needless needing

Just random before i concussed and start rattling like my previous post, with no real meaning towards the end of it.

The past 3 days were rather funny and odd. I don't know how to go about describing it, maybe it's due to the rank i'm wearing, maybe it's due to the stress i'm facing recently, maybe it's due to the fact that my posting changed last minute, or just maybe i'm real sick and tired of all the needless needing.

Taking public transport for the past mornings seemed to add another perspective of life for me. Donning my no. 4, boarding the almost empty train and looking over the black bar over my shoulders, i asked myself why didn't i choose to take public transport during my cadet days. The only rationale i could justify the needless spending on cab fares, was that i just wanted to get home real fast and don't wish to be caught in a can of sardines.

You gain something and you will lose something. How true can it get. Still keeping the bad old habit of not sleeping in public transport, which seems hard to die, my thoughts start to run free and wild again. A mini debate started off inside me. As i reflected and pondered about the facts of life, i start to see myself smaller. For once i'm starting to realise why and how things happened in a certain way. Like it or not, it often happens in a vicious circle.

So much for all the things i dreaded happening to me, i'm making them occurring on others. So much for preaching stuff to others, i'm opposing them myself. So much for not wanting to make my life so monotone, i'm encouraging myself to it. So much so for trying to be more optimistic, day in day out, i'm turning to the dark side.

I don't know how long or far i would go, before i finally succumb and lose all the things that i've been trying to hold dear to.

So why do we tend to hold on to something so dearly and maybe die for it? So why are we are split up to different role-players, each there to outwit, outlast and outkill one another? And so why do we seek physical and mental desires every now and then?

Maybe it would take a rocket scientist to come out with some formulas to explain why. Answers i have not. Nonetheless, i just wonder since we all come down to this earth with our birthday suit, and leave literally the same, why is there a need to seek for all the intangible stuff. In the process we are destroying mankind, destroying nature, wasting resources and wasting time away.

Living life to the fullest was the closest i could get.

For that i suppose to love, to live and to enjoy took majority of our time. So if you don't for any of that, you're wasted. No one will be there to pinpoint or arrow you for not doing the correct way, nor will there be anyone to guide you through your life journey. Yet often we are running towards the white light, which we all have pinned our hopes on, hoping it will eventually leads us to the glory of life.

Take some time off, sit down and start looking around you. Things have changed. But how much of it have you noticed. Ever notice the increasing strands of white hairs, on your parents? Ever wonder for every mad rush across the road, someone else is praying for your safety? Ever wonder for every happy moments you had with your love one, it's building upon someone else's sorrows? Ever cross your mind for every help you asked for, you're depriving someone's time and effort? Ever notice that you have already gone through 3,500 characters, by the end of this sentence?

Details in life is often missed out cause it doesn't pose concerns or benefits to us. Of cause i'm sure many out there can't wait to oppose my thinking for being too critical. As a matter of fact, everyone does it. Else one wouldn't have been thinking and talking to oneself silently during baths, during the usual walk down to the train or bus stations, and even during the time we empty our intestines.

To keep this sweet and short, i guess i'll end of here. Food for thought maybe. Till then.

"You're just another star that's burnt out too quickly."

What lies beneath

First day reporting to camp as a young 2nd Lieutenant, and i ended up with quite some emotions for me to make this effort to blog here. The day started off with quite an unexpected twist. As i was walking to my camp, cutting across car parks after alighting from a bus, i was approached by a lady. She seems to like a nurse or some sort coming from a home service ambulance. She asked for my help to push-start the ambulance. I was pretty stunned by the approach partly due to the loud voice she had, but i didn't reject to offer some of my almost worn-out muscles to get the job done.

I was thinking that's gonna be the good start for me, or at least for the day. But apparently that's the end of the bed of roses, after the good deed was over.

Got to camp only to see the usual rowdy platoon of 2nd Lieutenants crowding outside the room which we were expecting the orientation for newly commissioned officers to be held in. Pretty much used to the never-ending small talks among them, maybe it's just JC culture, the thing that irritates me most was their bearings. Everyone now dons the black bar on their shoulders, yet the uniform they put on was much worse than recruits.

Not that i'm someone who likes things to be overly neat and tidy, but i always feel that as a role model for many, like it or not, officers are being judged by many, we should present ourselves with a better image whenever possible. That's why i always put in effort getting my smart 4 ironed, even if that means sacrificing some time away.

The overkill then shifted to the boring and dry lectures we had, to educate us more about our job scope and expected duties as officers. Sitting through the long and dry talks especially early in the morning can be quite a demanding task.

Then the next irritating issue i felt was one of my fellow course mate, also now a young second lieutenant, was crying out loud that why are we always demanded to pay for events/dinners pertaining to military concerns, even though we just don't feel like going. And young Mr. Lee once again made his voice heard again by agreeing on the fact that why for example commissioning ball, we has newly commissioned officers has to fork out money to pay for the instructor. He was particularly referring to the Armour officers who have to pay almost $450 for their commissioning ball.

As much as we don't like to be called upon to get things done not the way we wanted, sometimes we just have to get it done, no matter what. Perhaps what the 2 of them failed to see that the higher authorities can also be in dilemma. Just try putting yourself in their shoes and i deemed anyone who agrees that it's hard to satisfy everyone.

Lastly, my posting was changed to 3 Sig Battalion. I was pretty upset about it, reason being that i didn't go through specialization under 3 Sig Bn, thus it might just be a little hard for me to absorb. I was pretty excited looking forward to working in 8 Sig Bn. But now it seems like i have to go through another 1 month of trainee life when the induction program starts in 3 Sig Bn on 3rd Jan.

Finally the one which literally silence everything was seeing how my friends were all leading a much better life. All getting attached here and there and they all look blissful. Good things don't last. Sometimes what hits you hardest is what you thought it's aways there. And as for my commissioning ball, i seriously hope there isn't any now. It's just too stupid and meaningless for me.

I still have many thoughts, but i'm too tired. That's all i have. Till then.

15 days

Big countdown to the day i'll be tossing my peak cap at the SAFTI parade square. Been a week over here in OCS,(Yup, i'm blogging using the newly installed DELL computers in the bunks.), and the most tiring part for the whole of the week has to be the long travellings, around Singapore to various camps for visits.

Had some interesting workshops on topics about Officership, morals, values, and also roles of becoming Defending or Investigating Officer next time after we are commissioned. Overall it wasn't a bad week, cause as the days go, it meant the nearer to the big day.

I've got quiet many thoughts in mind, but again i'm always lost for words when i start blogging. I just hope i get to do what i want for now and people around me are happier. As i'm typing all these out, i can't help thinking that when i look back someday, i'll regret for all the choices i made. As for why, i guess i'll jot them down again.

Good luck to those having exams, and for those who had finished their semester, enjoy and knock yourself out. Rope me in for some fun if you guys fancy. Weekends are going to be very precious to me again. Have to utilise them fully. That's all i have.

May the force be with you.

The Black Parade

It's been real long since my last post. I wanted to leave some of my thoughts down here last week, but apparently there's some problem with Blogger. Making use of the waiting-to-go-back-to-camp time, i'm here to leave some craps.

It's nearing my commissioning parade. The big day for me. 4 more weeks to go and it shall concludes the 38 weeks of cadet life. Just as i'm about to leave my professional term and head back OCS for the last 3 weeks of Joint term, we had a session with the SI commander last Thursday morning. Personally i find it something quite interesting.

He answered some of our course questions they wrote down in their journals, which is being read by the instructors every week. He spoke to us about leadership, life and responsibilities of a commander, in our case as an officer of the armed forces. An example which he mentioned to us was that knowing his men were on duty during Chinese New Year, he went back camp, bought some food and had a short reunion dinner with them. Though it's just a short while, it meant a lot for his men.

I'm not sure how many after reading about this, would feel anything towards it. But for my case i certainly respect him for doing that. And touching on the issue of respect, he shared with us another value for us to ponder and exercise it. The 3 Rs.
Respect, Reciprocate and Reflect.

Simple as the words spelt out, they literally meant to respect others, reciprocate kindness and reflect on our actions.

More than often in life, everyone likes to receive more than to give. I'm sure i don't have to elaborate more on this, everyone knows how good i am at doing the opposite. So much so, as i'm starting to have more slack time recently, all the thoughts just kept filling up my mind. I had a supper session with a poly friend just days back, and inevitably we touched on this not-so-fantastic issue again.

I was sorta whining to him about how when things you did for someone never get appreciated, not even to mention reciprocate. And more than often, some simple gestures done for him/her which may appeared a small deed, may just not be the case. Yet you just wonder if they ever think about the effort behind all the pretty surfaces.

Despite this these what-if, do-they, it all just summarized to nothing is right or wrong. What matters most is to do what you think is right, like it or not, you don't always get what you wanted, not to mention what you hoped for.

When i got questioned about what in life do i hope to achieve, and what's my plan after NS, all that i could come out with was just a "I don't know". But of cause, it's just so-not-me right? I should be someone who has like tonnes of thoughts, big ideas and all the life philosophies.

But you know, i've been going into all the i-don't-wanna-think-too-much lately. After i looked back at all the things i have done in the past 4 years, i just want give myself a pat and say, "Time to be yourself."

And the big question of who or what is "myself", is enough to give one endless thoughts. Neither do i have the ideal solution or the so-called Ten-Year-Series model answer to it. All that i offer to my 1 cent worth of advice, is to forget about all the big sayings of what's right, what's wrong, what's good, what's worthwhile, what's you, what's me, what's what.

Just think outside the box and stay outside of it. Just 1 simple question, are you G-O-D? No one is, thus no one can pin-point you and say you're wrong, you're evil, so on and so for.

I may seems to be muttering all these with no real direction or purpose, but i guess it speaks for itself. If you do get what i'm trying to say, that's good. Else, thank you for reading all these. 'Cause at the end of day, how much you take away from my blog is never a good justification of who you perecive i am, nor do it means how sensible or thoughtful i am.

With that, i shall end this off by wishing all those having exams round the corner, all the best for the papers. And for those who still haven't got a clue what they want in life, time is always on our side. Just how you use it is the only difference.

Till then.

So long and goodnight

Alright, another goodbye post here. It's the 3rd time i'll be leaving Singapore for this year. This time it's going to be 21 days. 3 long weekends overseas. Nothing much to look forward to this trip. Probably the hazards and 5 tough missions are something "worth" watching out for. Just hope Taipei gets more peaceful, or i will definitely curse and swear at them for making us not able to have our R&R.

For friends who have BGR problems, i wish i can help, but i'm not in any better position. Gals work by emotions and feelings, something guys never understand. For friends who are busy with school, hold it there, holidays are coming. For those i don't know and are reading this, come again another 21 days. Probably i might post some photos here.

That's all folks. May the force be with you. Till then.

Life as a soldier

"Looking all around us, couples everywhere. Couples having fun, while we are holding guns. Have you ever wondered, why must we serve? Cause we love our land, and we want it to be free, to be free."

Not that i'm so patriotic, but that's the song that concludes my 1 year anniversary with the SAF. Did my 3rd 24km route march last Friday morning, ever since i enlisted for NSF 1 year ago on the 8th September 2005, over at East Coast Park. The route march that starts right from the end at Carpark G all the way to Carpark C, bypassing almost all the features and fun spots at East Coast Park.

Just as i'm doing the march with the not-so-easy load of 16kg on my back, i started counting the numbers again. For the whole year after i enlisted, i had already done about 100km of route marches, 50km of running, 3000+ push-ups, 300+ chin-ups and went to 4 schools (Basic Military Training Center, Air Force School, Officer Cadet School and Signal Institute).

Called that personal achievement or not, i already felt that i'm like what some may say, "old bird" of the army. After 1 year of service for the nation, i'm still a trainee. And i still have 3 more months to go before i finally get a proper status for myself in the military ranking. And this isn't something usual for most would only at most take 11-12 months to get a 2nd Lieutenant rank. But of cause i went to Air Force for 3 months and that contributed to the fact that for my 2 years service, i have to march around wherever i go for 1 year 3 months as a trainee.

Time kinda flies when you start looking back. Just a year ago, i entered NS with nothing to expect, just hoping to get it done and over with. And who knows after i graduated from Tekong as a Private, i signed on for Air Force hoping to make it big as a Military Aviator, which only lasted for 3 months. After coming back to Singapore, i was posted to do some admin work which does nothing but filing and sorting of letters. Slack time doesn't stay long, and 2 weeks into that, i was posted to the western side of Singapore, to the place called Home of the Officer Corps, OCS.

3 months as an infantry cadet wasn't that smooth sailing either. During the time, i was given many opportunities to perform as various exercises Platoon Commander, but i always fail to deliver. It's something that whenever i look back, i felt that i have let my instructors, especially my Platoon Commander down.

Moving on to my Professional Term as a cadet, i was posted to Signal Institute, which was my first choice for my vocation. Started out thinking that it should be a vocation which might just be slightly less demanding as compared to the rest of the support arms, but it wasn't to be. Another 3 months have passed since then, and the demands just get tougher, with more to expect for during the 3 weeks at Taiwan. There will be a 72km of Full Battle Order (FBO), a summary exercise to end off the 6 months stint over at Signal Institute.

Made many friends, and i'm one of the fortunate guys out there, to have the opportunity to train with a group of peers ranging from 23 to 19 years old and of cause not to mention fellow female cadets as well. Not forgetting, i'm also one of the fortunate guys out there who has gone into 2 cores of the SAF, the army and the air force. I met quite handful of nice instructors along the way, and a particular instructor who's my sister's primary school mate.

Ask me how i feel towards National Service, i would say it's just a matter of how much you learn out of it, and not to be too critical about it. Because most of the time, you will find the stuff you do are nonsensical and you will be stuck in occasions whereby you don't have much choices about it.

So what you will be exposed to? Basically, you have to go through a lot of learning.

Learning how to work with different people, Learning how to deal with tonnes of vulgarities hurled at you, learning how to take punishments, learning how to be tactful, learning how to slack, learning how to take responsibilities, learning how to lead, learning how to take care of oneself, learning how to be a neat, learning how to do cleaning, learning how to listen, learning how to follow orders, learning how to sleep less, learning how to copy with hunger, learning how not to get extra duties, learning how to handle weapons, learning how to push oneself for fitness excellence and ultimately learning how to protect the nation and be a good soldier.

"It's not about what you left behind, it's about what you gain in the days ahead."

That's the big slogan you will see when you enter BMTC at Tekong. Like it or not, every male has to serve the 2 years, and it's just a matter of choices. Choose to be a normal men or as a commander, ultimately like what my instructors used to tell us, this 2 years do not belong to us. It belongs to Singapore. Start learning good things out of it or continue whining about the bad side of it.

Till then.

I have a dream...

I have a dream that i'll be able to achieve gold for my upcoming IPPT test this coming Thursday, with ease and determination.

I have a dream that on my commissioning day, all my family members are able to grace the occasion, maybe with the special she.

I have a dream that one day i'll be entering university with the course i truly wanted, with no stress or no obligations.

I have a dream that one day i will find someone who will not judge by the surface but by the content of my character, appreciates me for who i am, and loves me for who i am not.

I have a dream that one day i will have a son and a daughter, a family with simple wants and simple needs.

I have a dream that one day i will be starting my own business and do the things i wanted, my way, my style.

I have a dream that i will be retiring at the age of 45, with no burdens or commitments.

I have a dream that one day i will ride away with my partner on my R1, and leave this town forever.

I have a dream that i will be reminiscing on my rocking chair at the age of 70 for that i've done my part contributing to the society.

I have a dream that the day i left this earth, it will just be pure black and white.

I have a dream today.

I still have a dream...

Duty honour country

Been a hectic long 2 weeks, with quite a fair bit of punishments and late night sleeps. Can't recall much of the stuff that happened the week before, so i'll just do a quick update of this whole week.

We were punished to carry FBO around the camp for the entire week, literally volunteered to be punished in our case, for that platoon 2 was the platoon that was caught sleeping and removing their SBOs during Exercise VHF which incidentally had few detachments deployed around Singapore. Thus to "display" course integrity, my platoon volunteered to be part of the punishment as well.

Put that aside, we were also given field pack inspections. And it turned out that i made some enemies indirectly, for that my standard packs were deemed too high standard. "Spoil market" was the common term one will be associated with, when you tend to be doing something overly too good in any scenarios.

Not that i'm that petty about all the sarcastic remarks, i just felt that they don't have what it takes to be an officer. Just to propose a simple case here, would the fastest runner, fittest guy in the course be deemed as spoil market? How come packing of field pack standard items neatly and nicely will be deemed as one then?

Personally, i take pride in my bearing, packing of field pack items, tidying of my cupboard and things which can be done with all the time in the world during free time. Somehow not many will do that though. A very good classic example is the white horse. I hope you guys know who i'm referring to.

Not that i've something against him, and that i shouldn't have mention some negative comments about him here, since he's someone of high regards, i just don't think that he has what it takes to be an officer. Minus his intelligence, maybe he's just an empty shell? Just ask any military personnel what's the minimal standard of an soldier, i bet he failed most of it.

Before i start digressing and go into all the unbecoming behavior of the white horse, i better move on and talk about the FBO punishments. After serving the army for almost a year now, last week was the first time i ran in smart 4, with FBO for around 1km plus. Reason? We were late for a workshop conducted by Chief of Signals. Then again, i questioned the effectiveness of the punishment, for that i personally feel that by making us run back to our accommodation block and back to the workshop classroom, it just make us sweat, cursing the instructor and at the end of the day, hate army even more.

I'm sure anyone out there will agree with me that timing is something you can't train one to meet. It's how reasonable the timing is, and even with that as constant, there's a lot more factors to be considered.

Sleeping for only 2-3 hours for some of the days, and not sleeping at all before Exercise VHF was the highlight for the 2 weeks. I'm pretty fine with that, cause i'm quite trained to be an owl due to gaming before army.

Not forgetting SOC which was conducted during this 2 weeks as well. I managed to pass with just 1 try. Something good considering the ground in this camp is a lot harder with few steep slopes, and of cause i don't have to do it anymore till i commissioned. The only thing left for me now is to cut my 9:52s timing down by 8secs to achieve my IPPT gold.

Last weekend was probably the most fun weekend i had. Sneak out to... Probably not gonna mention it here. Blogs have been pretty much something which is like a double edge sword. Hold it wrongly, you will cut yourself without knowing. But anyway, it was fun and i hope to do it again!

This weekend was pretty boring and hectic as well. Came back from camp around 2230hrs on Friday night, slept for a couple of hours, head back to camp around 0545hrs for my regimental guard duty. Did 4 shifts and end the duty only this morning around 0800hrs.

Made some effort to go down to a market further away from my house on my way home to get some breakfast for my parents. Rest for an hour or plus, went for haircut, and off to get my N-gage for servicing. Yes, it's down again for the third time in less than 3 months. I should get a replacement of it soon. But it's still one of the best, if not the best non-camera phone for me.

Head to borders trying to look for the book titled, "The Fifth Discipline", but just couldn't find it. Was lazy to do a thorough search for it and i head to get the game Xenosaga Episode 3 for a friend. And luck wasn't on my side again. It turned out that the game was Japanese version. In short, the game is useless. Got back home, downloaded some video clips and before i know it, here i am typing this post before i head back to camp again.

That's the life of a signal cadet. If anyone still feels that signal is a slack vocation, think again. In fact, i'm sure i'm not the worse in the whole SAF. The grass is always greener on the other side. Nonetheless, despite not having much time for myself, i hope in the midst of my busy life, i'm still able to do some things for others.

Reciprocate or not, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that i get to do what i want, eventually getting myself a title of "Santa" perhaps?

Alright, that's all i have. Gotta pack up, head back to camp, study for a 4 hours exam paper tomorrow. Think about it, i never did 4 hours before until i enter army. How contradicting?

And this week is hell week too. 16km route march and turnout expected some time in the week for us to earn our blue berets. If you happen to read this some time this week, just pray silently for me to be here again the next weekend.

Till then.

Predictable

Something isn't right,
I can feel it again.
This isn't the first time,
That you left me waiting.
Sad excuses and false hopes high,
I saw this coming,
Sill I don't know why,
I let you in.

I knew it all along,
I knew something would go wrong,
So you don't have to call,
Or say anything at all.

So take your empty words,
Your broken promises,
And all the time you stole,
Cause I am done with it,
I could give it away,
I'm doing everything I should of,
Now I'm making a change,
Living the day,
I'm giving back what you gave me

Now everywhere I go,
Everyone I meet,
Every time I try to fall in love,
They all want to know why I'm so broken.

Why I'm so cold,
why I'm so hard inside.
Why am I scared?
What am I afraid of?

I don't even know, this story's never had an end.
I've been waiting,
I've been searching,
I've been hoping,
I've been dreaming you would come back,
But I know the ending of this story.
And you're never coming back,
Never...

Everywhere I go for the rest of my life,
Everyone I love,
Everyone I care about,
They're all gonna want to know what's wrong with me.
And I know what it is,
What it is is right now!


How close can this get? As good as you sees it here. So am i still waiting for this world to stop hating?

Ans: Can't find a good reason, can't find hope to believe in.

Life is like a game sometimes

Happy national day. Doesn't really mean much to me, but as i had my Observer's Parade yesterday in camp just before we book out, i sang the national anthem again for the first time after like 4 years? Kinda emotional to sing it again after some time, and this time in military uniform, it made my Goosebumps stands. Nevertheless, i'll have to do that again on the 9th Dec, for my commissioning parade.

Just some quick updates and thoughts:

9:53s - That's 9 secs off the gold timing (9:44s) for my 2.4km run. Had my IPPT test yesterday and again, i missed my gold due to my 2.4km timing. Since almost a year ago when i enter national service, i have shaved off quite a fair bit for my 2.4km timing. Started at 15:00s, reduced to 13:00s, 12:30s, 11:30s, 11:00s, 10:30s, 10:14s and now finally to my all time best at 9:53s.

Lost count of the number of IPPT tests i had to retest trying to get my gold, probably over 15 tries since i got into army, and hopefully this coming Friday will be the day i finally achieve gold. Personally it's something great, cause i'm never a runner in my life. Sprinter maybe, but i hate to run long distance. And for this year Army Half Marathon, all i can say is that i'm glad i've regimental guard duty on the day before, which automatically excuses me from taking part due to safety concern of not having sufficient rest prior to strenuous exercise.

Speaking about this, one of my course mates was hospitalized due to punctuated lung. What was thought as fatigue and merely treated as normal chest pain, turned out to be something quite serious. For that if air in the punctuated lung is not being released, it will be accumulated and swell will occur, resulting in more complications. A tube was inserted to his non-working lung, hoping to release the air out, but somehow not all of it was being released. He underwent a pinhole operation yesterday, with 3 holes cut on his chest, to stitch up the lung.

Sometimes i just wonder all the tough trainings we forced ourselves to get through it, is it all worth it. Pride may be on the line to perform, but is it worth exchanging it for something which you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. Worst case, leaving behind your love ones, just for the word pride.

Last note about army, before this starts to bored you to tears, i just wish to touch on the point about behaving and acting like an officer. I felt that most of the people in OCS, they don't really have what it takes to be an officer of the armed forces. Not because their fitness is bad nor their knowledge or leadership is weak, in fact they excelled in all these, but what's commonly lacking in them is discipline and proper behaviour.

More than often, i would dare to say, as long as you're someone who can run a lot and run fast, everything else doesn't really matters. Fitness is always the first thing they judge you. Well, this isn't something new especially so when one is in the military business. How screwed up your marching, how crumpled your uniform, how sucky your attitude are, they all don't seems to be placed with much importance. Take my course mate as an example. I'm not going to mention his name here, but he's someone who will probably sit in the parliament someday, and someone who might be leading Singapore 20 years down the road. If you have been reading my blog, you would have know who i'm referring to.

Always arguing against the instructions given, lifting a leg on the front row of seats shaking them vigorously, putting on a super faded and creased uniform for parade, self cut his own hair trying to escape from being caught with long hair, and hurling away his vulgarities, how do you see him as an officer, not to even mention some political personnel if he would to be one in time to come.

Not trying to arrow him for all these faults, but i'm sure if you're someone whose dad is the leader of the country and is commented as a good Officer during his military career, i'm sure he could have done alot more to act more appropriately not just an officer-to-be, but also as role model for others to follow.

Side-tracking just a little, i'm getting pretty irritated with some cab drivers in Singapore. Having took quite a number of cab trips back and forth to camp since i enter national service, i'm starting to get annoyed with some drivers, especially those Mercedes cab drivers. I used to think that they should be the better drivers, not just in terms of experience on the road, but also the service and the attitude.

Do you often get questions from the drivers like, "Eh, do you want to go by PIE, or CTE?", "So you want to exit from here or there. Some customers like to exit there." or "Is that a single lane or double lane?"

Not that i'm critical to this tiny details, but i'm just wondering, the moment i board the cab, told the driver the destination i'm heading to, shouldn't he be the one suggesting to me the fastest route to it, instead of asking me? And if he's not sure which way to go, he should have just double check with me, instead of just moving on and then later make all the wrong turns. Worse still, talking on the phone, not playing attention to the traffic, resulting not accidents but missing turns and making a big round-about. And the worst they can do, is just charge the price on the meter even though it's their mistake of going big rounds.

I used to meet better cab drivers last time. One offered me sweets, another adjusting the air-con after realising that i'm trying to catch a wink, and one even suggested me to go for a nap and wake me again, for knowing that the journey is long and i just got out from camp. So am i too much to say that i just hope that cab drivers can be more initiative to provide better service, especially since the raise in the charges. Booking a cab at peak hour costs you $8.50 the moment you step into the cab. How's that for exchange of slightly better service? Be your own judge.

Last but not least, the thought i had in mind: "There are a lot better things in life than giving so much for a person."

In this cruel world occupied with majority of human race, it's not difficult to see that most of us are ruled by feelings. We always do what we wanted, even though it does really seems stupid or not logically at all. More than often, we are trying so hard to get something which is never ours, yet neglecting those we should have hold dear to. Like it or not, because humans are the governed by feelings, we will have our fair share of joys and sorrows. Not many creatures in this world do cry and laugh. And since we have the luxury to do so, the best we can do, is just to laugh our way off the sorrows and treat life like a game, with no restart. So live it once and live it good.

Till then.

May angels lead you in

The last time i blogged on a weekday was like light years ago. With the amount of free time i had now, not exactly free time actually, we are supposed to read up some materials online as part of our lesson plans, i decided to add an entry over here. So being a "hardworking" soldier, i'm here leaving some thoughts, to beautify my blog and perhaps hopefully add some value-adding contents in my blog, especially after my friend was telling me how dull my blog is.

Just a random thought; "Treat yourself better and people will starting treating you good. Start loving yourself first before loving others, and others would love you even more." So how true it exactly is, in my humble opinion, i think it's relatively true to some extend. Ever wonder why the loner gets more lonely, while the player gets more playful?

Speaking from a loner's point of view, one tends to hide himself away from the unnecessary limelight, and often get emo in just a twitch of the eye. Most of the time he would associate all the negative and unwanted thoughts to whatever stuff that's presented to him and end up having a super pessimistic character in long term.

Just moments ago, i made myself looked like a fool, yet again. What's new. Somehow i misinterpreted a note i saw somewhere and thought that i was the one being mentioned. But after chatting with the person, the whole picture actually changes and i came to an conclusion and that's; no, not even close. "Nice try". After i figured it out, i felt like laughing my head off. Someone should really instill the thinking of i shouldn't "think-too-much" into my thick skull. So much of feeling that i'm a thinker, perhaps like what my PC in OCS said months ago, i should be labelled as "Numbskull" instead.

Face it, i'm always thinking too much at times, may it be constructive to me or not, i always get it wrong. And more than often i felt cheated by it, yet after realising the boo-boo i made, i tried looking back at the same thing from the factual side, i think i'm simply stupid to the core for trying to make it look good for myself. That's explains why i feel like laughing, literally at myself.

Probably most of you reading this are already lost with what i'm trying to say. In short, it boils down to the topic i mentioned in my first paragraph. Perhaps it's better to be selfish, more self-centred, heck care about what's happening around me and lead a hermit lifestyle. It's just tiring trying to be someone. Try being a doormat. I should add this "doormat" to my middle name.

Giving myself the best of stuff, grooming up more, pay more attention to my own stuff rather than others, perhaps it's more constructive to me instead. And maybe if i do, i'll probably lead a better life and with more people more concern with me. Either way, there is always pros and cons, and i reckon in the near future to come, i'll just be who i am now, and let the fate game decides my destiny.

Till then.

...

No contents or much thoughts to post in my blog nowadays. Still going through the same boring routine in army. With tonnes of lectures and numerous signal sets to learn for my course, i'm pretty much lost in them. Dozing off during class and not understanding my work, are definitely not helping me. Rushing through online quizzes and not learning them effectively will probably give me alot of trouble when the crunch time sets in. Somehow things presented to me lately hasn't been that good either. Until i got myself a better goal and mood, this is all i have.

Till then.

Untitled

I'm getting lazy to blog nowadays. Lack of time is definitely not a worthy excuse to cover up the fact, but most of the time it's either i've too much thoughts and they are just too hard to express them down in words or i'm just whining about army issues. End up i'll just suppress them and ignored about it. My friend was telling me how blogging caused unwanted trouble for bloggers, especially those who posted military photos or write about their trainings, which incidentally are confidential to the public. So i guess i have to watch my mouth and be selective on the topics i post here.

Just had a rare catch-up with my secondary buddies, knocking away the balls on the rack. Been ages since i last laid my hands on a cue stick, and i must say time does make one's skill rusty.

Without realizing, we have already left our maiden school for 4 years. Most of us are already embarking on our working lives and for some like me, we are still serving the nation. Some of the guys even signed on as military personnel, while some went into many unexpected careers and blossomed in their own ways.

I'm lost for words again. Too distracted by the music i'm listening to and the news broadcasting in front of me. Make it short and sweet for this post, the primarily reason why i wanted to blog this post was that i just hope to remind you readers, in spite having tight schedules and being busy with your own lives, take a clearer look at your close ones. Trust me, the time you spent with them are never proportional to the time you spent with friends and yourself.

"It seems likes such fun until you lose what you had won."

Till then.

Fate and fortune

Haven't been blogging for ages, came upon a free online fortune telling, and i find it true for most of the analysis, thus i decided to post it here for you guys to reference. How true and accurate is it? Try yours and get your own answer. Superfate Fortune



Your sign is Earth in Chinese Horoscope

Your life is represented by the garden in winter with great ability and able to work under pressure. However, an over devoted spirit could lead to a slight mental imbalance. You keep your word and you like kind and determined people. You look like an easy-going person but you are actually quite determined. It's hard to tell what's on your mind and you tend to keep a low profile.

Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the garden. The garden is the foundation and home for flower, grass and creation, but people only notice the beautiful flowers, green leaves and not the earth under their feet.

The garden is trampled upon all the time but never complains, so you are just like the garden soil, which provides nutrition to many creatures, but is not appreciated. You sacrifice yourself for others, which brings you many problems when they take advantage of your kindness. Most people neglect your contribution, and only discover your importance when you leave your original position. The main part of a garden is the soil, so you rarely changing, which make you a bit dull to others. You are amiable, smart, and understand things clearly, but keep your thoughts and viewpoints inside your heart. Your appearance is very amiable, but you are very rigid in your heart and will persist and not give up.

You admire people who are heroic, dominating and a bit arrogant, but also respect those who are unselfish and lenient with others. Your entire life is like the garden, not catching too much attention, but cultivated silently in the background. When luck and fortune come, you will be far better off than many others because you have been cultivated over a long period of time.

Health Analysis: The function of your stomach and intestines is weaker.

According to your destiny analysis, the function of your stomach and intestines is weaker, which caused minor problems like bad breath, upset or bloated stomach, and diarrhea when you were young. But over age 40, additional care of your stomach and intestines is needed, or it may lead to major digestive system problems such as esophagus infection, stomach or intestinal infection, gastric ulcer, hemorrhoids, intestines polyp, diabetes. Therefore, you should avoid fatigue and stress, maintain a stable lifestyle and schedule, sleep and wake early, eat regular meals at regular hours, don't drink alcohol, and consume less acidic food and drink in order to protect a congenitally weak digestive system.

There's a saying that all disease starts from the mouth, which means many human diseases are related to food. According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, food can be divided into gold, wood, water, fire and earth (concept of the five elements). You seem to prefer the sweet flavors of desserts and other sweets, which means your cells are filled with too much earth element. This negatively affects your health, fortune and career, so we suggest you try different foods to balance your diet and nutrition, which leads to harmony in life and a balance of yin and yang based on the five elements. In addition, if you have recently felt unlucky or things were not going smoothly, then you are probably affected by bad spirit, which caused bad luck. The best solution is not to eat meat and fish for a period of time until the bad spirit goes away. The bad spirit tends to stay with those who eat meat and fish, and also chicken, duck, green onion, garlic, leek and other spices, so a vegetarian diet can help change your luck.

Health Analysis: The function of your respiratory system is weaker as well.

The function of your respiratory system is weaker as well, and you have had minor problems like allergies, runny nose, cough, cold, chest pain, diarrhea and constipation when you were young. But over age 40, additional care of your respiratory system is needed, or it may lead to nasosinutisis, asthma, bronchopneumonia, bronchitis, intestines polyp and proctitis. Therefore, you should avoid fatigue and smoking, maintain a stable, regular lifestyle and schedule, and sleep and wake early in order to protect a congenitally weaker respiratory system.

According to your destiny analysis, your working and living environment tends to be a bit messy and without good air circulation, which is not good for your respiratory system. You tend to be anxious, lack patience and tolerance, which means you don't get along well with friends.

If you want to change your fate and destiny, breath deeply for five minutes per day, maintain good air circulation, and open a window or door in your room. As long as you have sufficient oxygen in your body, your destiny will be completely changed with better health, more wealth and happiness coming into your life.

You and your love interest are mutually attracted and love each other equally. She fully respects you in every way, so you will get along very well. Your love is full of romance, so to be your companion is to be blessed with love and happiness.

In romance, according to our analysis, you are easily attracted to someone you admire in your heart, but you often end up empty-handed because it's quite difficult for both parties to fall in love at first sight. Generally speaking, women do not have deep first impression of you, so they need time to discover your inner beauty. You, however, tend to like a person at the first sight, but not after a period of time. Therefore, if you are still waiting for a good romance, try to show your inner beauty by doing more activities, establishing better habits, and socializing with more people. This way you can express your inner beauty naturally all the time, which makes your romance go more smoothly.

In the journey of life, your romantic or marriage partner might be introduced by relatives and friends, or through matchmaking. You tend to be inexperienced in love, unable to express yourself, and do not know how to actively pursue someone without being too sticky or giving up easily. You have opportunities but are afraid to get hurt, so eventually it is not easy for you to have the spark of love. If you are still seeking your love partner don't rush because someone nearby likes you, so as long as you pursue the relationship sincerely, the happiness is yours.

Career and Wealth Analysis: You know how to make money, but it is not easy for you to hold onto your money.

According to your destiny analysis, you know how to make money, but it is not easy for you to hold onto your money. Your life is more philosophical, so you are not stingy with yourself, family or friends. You spend what you have even when you are financially tight, and are generous when you are financially comfortable. Because of this, it's not easy for you to save your money. In addition, you maybe convinced easily by friends to make some financial investments that cause you to lose money. You like to make many friends, so you easily lose money if you cannot evaluate risk or reject people when they approach you for investment. You will spend most of your wealth doing things you want to do throughout life because you consider only money spent as the wealth actually owned by you. Afterwards, you will not bequest much to your descendants.

Leaving on a jet plane

Got the scare of my life just moments ago. Incidentally, it has to do with my flight to Brunei tonight. As my mobile goes off with an incoming message, i woke up and the clock i stared at reads 06:33. Noticed i didn't indicated the am/pm meter? Obviously it's pm. Yet somehow i thought it's already Tuesday morning, missed my flight and my reporting time at 2359hrs. I jumped off my bed and ran to the kitchen, just to realise i've made a boo-boo. This scene is a classic example of how bad lack of sleep can cause to one.

4 more hours and i'll be away for another 10 days, in a land of M&Ms. Not the melt in your mouth M&Ms, but the land of Mosques and Museums; Brunei. Somehow i'm not worried or anxious about the training over there, i'm more like numbed with the feeling of having to go through another military exercise, and that's all i have in mind. Whether how tough the training will be, how hungry i'll be, how wet i'll get, are no longer important to me. Cause it's just routine to me now.

My concern would be the aftermath from the trip, where i'll have tonnes of load to bring back home, tonnes of laundry and packing to be done, and getting myself ready to report to my new unit, Signal Institute on the 10th of July. I know we Signallers are getting cursed and sweared for this late reporting date, when most of the other vocations are either reporting to their new unit on the day of arrival back to Singapore, 6th July or Friday, 7th July. Call us slackers or what, i'm just glad i got into Signals, and i don't mind having the title "Slacker" as my middle name. Just hate me for this.

Nothing much for this post, probably ending off with some best wishes to a couple of my platoon mates who stayed back in OCS as infantry officers-to-be. I'm convinced that Tango is indeed the model wing in OCS after today's morning trip to Delta wing, and also after bypassing Echo wing, their staircases are basically tattoo-ed with kiwi marks. Anyone who has been to Tango wing can vouch for the fact that our level 1 staircase, in fact all the staircases are kiwi-free. And for this, i'm proud to say, Tangorians book out late every bookout for a reason. Respect us for this.

Something for my readers out there, if you happened to browse my blog and read this post, watch out for the stars. Someone there could be watching over you..

Till then.

Sick Cycle Carousel

As i started reflecting back on what i've done for the first half of the year, it took me no more than a minute to realise time flies, and i'm losing most of what i should have not. The routine just keeps repeating, over and over again.

Begin the year at Air Force school, hopes of becoming a military pilot, with frequent complaints to my peers about the negative sides of being one, and the irony that i signed the probation contract, with no clear intentions of making it my career.

Moving to Australia for 3 weeks, flew for 7.7hrs, leading a mentally-stressed lifestyle, in a not-so-stressed country. The failure cuts deep into me. Questions raised for that, and i moved back with fond memories. Friendships were made, and lost.

Rank stripped and back to reality. 8 to 5 lifestyle for 2 weeks, papers and dust kept me awake. Experienced the much wanted job as clerk in the armed forces, yet it's not my cup of tea, and the fact that i dreaded it.

New posting, and SAFTI was where i called home next. 3 weeks away from home yet again. Familiar faces greeted me along the weeks, with junior peers surrounding me. Leadership questions put forward to us, trainings get tough, and reality sets in.

Appointments held, scolding received, sweat never goes off and time just keeps running. Outfield, outfield and more outfields came. Tough trainings came like meals while running overtook time allocated for sleep.

Live firings made trainings realistic, yet weapons cleaning makes you think again. The last march on the 21st June, concluding the mastery of sleeping on 2 feet, and ending the 14 weeks of hell.

Despite not many highlights, all above mentioned spanned across 6 months. Weekends and book outs were so precious to us, one would allow making any silly minor mistakes, just to ensure he doesn't end up spending more than required in camp. Other than that, the cycle just keep repeating itself. Entertainment and enjoyment were self-declared.

Home is just like hotel is not even good enough to describe for me at times. Catching some sleep on sofa, pack up and off to camp yet again. Nights off were spent in camp, with the convenience of not having to wake up early, rushing down in a cab, just to get myself back to camp in time.

Time when my phone rings, i'm never sober enough to pick them up. Time when i'm looking to unwind myself, i find myself wandering alone in town. Time when i'm expecting good to come, devils came knocking instead. Time when i have to perform, i find myself struggling to even keep myself afloat. Time to call it quits, i hold back. Time to sleep, i tried not to. And when it's time to rest, i find myself nothing to do, and nothing to lose.

Until the cycle breaks, it just goes on and on.

Till then.

Hear you me

Time to blog again. I've got tonnes of thoughts and feeling to note down here. But as i go along, i'm pretty sure i'll cut or forget most of them, but nonetheless, this post shall be another whining by me. Just be warned on an emo post.

Backtracking a little on my platoon field camp 2 weeks ago. I was given exercise PC appointment during day 2 of the outfield. And the mission i had was the Platoon Battle course. Did all the necessary rehearsals, briefed my platoon on the mission, all the possible enemy contact points, and the few danger area crossings to expect.

Thinking that i've done all that i could, i moved out hoping to perform and put up a good show for my PC and instructors. Especially so when just before i head out, one of my instructor, LTA Poh, called me over, told me to complete the mission with my usual composure and even joked to me that the 2 golden full lieutenant exercise PC bars on my shoulders, will be black and mine if i managed to do a good job for the mission.

But of course it wasn't meant to be. After moving out for less than 100 meters, the platoon came to a halt due to numerous training 3-tonners moving along the tracks, and it turned out to be the hiccup of many undesirable events to come. At the first enemy contact point, my point section was contacted and the enemy was across a small stream. I place the MG team as the fire support group, firing just diagonally across the enemy, as i pull a section to do a quick attack.

Mistake number one, i should have pulled the 2 remaining sections along with me. Mistake number two, i should have smoked out the open patch before i cross the area with the assault force. Last but not least, the most deadly mistake i made, i made my section commander of the section i bought over to charge out and take the lead of over-running the enemy. It ended up they charged out heading the wrong direction and the instructor declared all dead except one.

My PC came over and gave me an earful and questioned the fact that why i didn't lead the whole section for the attack but instead leave the section commander to take the lead while i stayed back. My explanation to him was that i didn't get myself involved in the fire fight cause i want to make sure i can tie down reinforcements with the reserve section.

He took it as i wasn't leading by example and being a Platoon Commander, i should have lead my men into the fight instead of just staying behind, for which it's not what a commander should be. And he got so pissed that he shouted at me to strip off the exercise PC rank and called for another platoon mate to take over me.

In front of the whole platoon, i was placed in the most embarrassing moment of having to take off my rank and passed it on to another exercise PC. My instructor, LTA Poh pulled me to a side and talk to me about it. He made me understand that why my PC got so pissed with what i've done, assured me or perhaps consoled me that it's just a case of bad decision, told me not to worry about that and they the instructors will not doubt my capabilities just because of it.

I wasn't really affect by the fact that i was the only guy who got the most scolding from my PC nor the fact that i'm the only guy who got stripped off the exercise PC rank for the whole field camp, i was probably thinking, it's really not easy to be an officer, someone who needs to take care of the other 27 in the platoon and be confident enough to handle many unexpected situations, all by yourself.

For the rest of the exercise i kept thinking and asking myself why did i do that, why didn't i do this and such. And i came out with an answer, and it's none other than, i'm just human. I err and i bleed. Through this, i learnt my lessons, even though it's not a pleasant way to learn things, but i'm sure unless i made this mistake during the exercise, i'll never grow as a good officer.

My PC was very kind to me perhaps favouring me just a little, he gave me another opportunity to perform by assigning me as exercise PC the very next day. Exercise PC for an assault mission. This time round, again i faced so many unforseen turn of events, starting from my Wing Commander interferring with my MG team, which results in them lagging back the platoon far behind, to asking me to deploy MG when crossing danger area, even though i had already got approved to only deploy 2 men when crossing the small tracks with my PC during my brief to him.

Not to mention i missed the H-hour for the mission and despite clearing the enemy with an excellent fire and movement up a 85 meters hill, as praised by my instructors, my PC declared my mission as a failure for not meeting the crucial H-hour. Worse of all, i was declared dead when the fire fight was almost done, and my runner take over me as PC, as the fight goes on, eventually the exercise PS took out as per normal during wartime.

As i took off my helmet after being declared as casualty by my PC, i looked around and witnessed the rest of the platoon putting up a good fire movement up the hill and i told myself, regardless of how screwed up i was, or for what i've done, the assault was classic textbook style. There were proper fire and cover, and enough communication was done to ensure the extended line moved up nicely and no converging was resulted.

The stress to perform and think fast as an officer was felt throughout the whole exercise when i held the PC appointment. Command and control is the key to success, and of cause not forgetting practice makes perfect.

Back to 2 days ago, 9th of June, Friday, my 21st birthday. Coincidentally, we guys get to have our first ever nights out since we stepped into OCS 12 weeks ago. Went to Jurong Point with my platoon, had Billy Bombers and watched the movie "Cars" with some of my platoon mates. Giving myself a treat for my birthday and not until we got back to camp, after 12am, then they realised it's my birthday. But too late, it was already past lights off time, and i escaped any possible unwanted torture from them.

This 21st birthday of mine is somewhat a combination of good and bad. But of cause the bad wasn't really that bad at all, and it's just that i didn't receive any present. Perhaps it's something good as well, at least now i have excuse not to return them presents on their birthdays. So feel guilty if i gave you present on your birthday and you didn't for mine? As if i really mind, and don't try to be bother by it, cause thought that counts do exists in my dictionary.

The good was that i received numerous unexpected greetings. Whether you guys did remember it by heart, through mobile phone reminders, ringo or friendster, just wanna thank you all. If you happened to miss it, just feel free to drop a greeting here now, this will do too.

And sorry to those who wanted to have a meeting with me for it, i really don't have time for it. My life now pretty much evolves around army and time to rest is not that much either. I can only limit myself to do this and then to sacrifice that. And for this, i find myself most of the time alone. Reason being i have to reject meeting up every now and then, and when i initialed a meet up, i get rejected. So much about what goes around, comes around?

Just as i was relating to my friend, i find myself so different as compared to just a year ago. I'm getting lazier with thoughts, and most of the time i find myself questioning and finding reasons for doing this and that. I'm just following through motions, and taking what's being thrown at me. Good or bad, i just accepted it and no questions asked.

On Friday itself, i was summoned to my PC office. He did a feedback on my assessment for the platoon field camp exercise PC. I managed to score 68% out of the possible 100%, and he mentioned a couple of things. He advised me to be harsher and firm when it comes to business. Revealing to me a little about the peer appraisal by my platoon mates, he told me that i'm quite likable in the platoon, and i'm definitely by no means near the category of condemned personnel.

Even though i failed my mission, he did score me quite high for the assessment. And also complimenting me as one of his few best cadets he had, i felt guilty and disappointed for not performing to my best of capabilities when i'm holding appointment.

Alright that's all for the moment. Congratulations to those who commissioned yesterday.

Till then.

Drenched in my pain again

"You know they say life is short, they say you wake up one day, on a day, all your dreams, everything you wish for and wanted to. Gone, just like that. You know. People, people get old, and things changed, situation changed. What i want is just, i want this moment, this day, my feelings for you, the way you look right, the way i look at you. I just want this to last forever.."

Been really some time since i posted something constructive, something which might generate some food for thought. As usual, been pre-occupied with army for 90% of my time, which i've calculated that i've spent less than 120hrs per month outside, outside meaning time/space that has nothing to do with SAF issues.

Backtracking just a little, i went for a morning dim sum last sunday, over at Goodwood Park Hotel. (Photos) $15.80+++ per head and what you see, is what you get. And prior to that, i saw a dead dog on the road on my way to the restaurant. Fragile life? Perhaps so.

Thinking of posting stuff that happened for the past week, but i reckon they are just nothing but military issues and all the not-so-interesting topics. Just to summarized them up, i had my GPMG live firing on friday, and the night shoot was something breath-taking. Too bad i didn't have my camera with me, or should i say i'm not allowed to, else i'll love to post up the beautiful scenes over here. Especially the illuminating hand-held grenade which ignites the whole area as it slowly descends from the sky. And also, i have managed to clear my SOC, but have yet to get my 9:44s timing to achieve gold for IPPT.

Starting this monday, i'll be having my 5 day 4 night platoon outfield, which includes Exercise Spade. A digging exercise whereby most officers would never forget back in their cadet days. Nothing but pure trench digging for 2 days in a row. Something i bet no human in the right state of mind would want to do, for that you'll get nothing but lack of sleep, fatigue and all the blisters you can ever imagine on your palms.

Commissioning parade coming up soon for the senior batch. By the time it arrives on the 10th of june, it will also marked the end of my Service term, with 2 more weeks after that. Pretty much looking forward to my Social Night on the 22nd of June, and perhaps a short holiday following that.

Right now, i need to work out my finance, for that i might be spending quite alot as i'm looking to buy a Motorola RAZR V3i, a ZARA Men blazer and my long-gone Hugo Boss perfume. But for the mobile phone and blazer, they are just mere want more than a need, so unless i strike gold, i might just wanna put them on hold.

Alright, that's all i have. 12 more days to my b-day, and making an early wish now, i hope all the things will go my way, not for the worse, just for the best.

Till then.

Procrastinate

I have tonnes of stuff to say and tonnes of photos to share, yet i'm running out of time to do so. So as the title suggested, i shall do it some other time. I've just managed to upload some photos to my Multiply site, after trying it out today. Shall upload more when time permits.

Till then.

Busy weekends



Some photos of the Cohesion Day i had yesterday at Siloso Beach. Wasn't really that fantastic considering the fact that the rain came pouring down around 11am. Did enjoyed the most out of it by playing beach soccer. Other than that, i reckon no one in the right state of mind would drag themselves out of bed at 6am just to be at Sentosa for that little bit of fun.



I woke up 11am this morning and i realised i haven't register at the NS website to download some materials to study up. Some, which i meant 9 topics of Platoon Training to be covered. I spend around 2 hours plus, just briefly reading it through. To be honest, i have forgotten much about it.



Nothing much to write for this post. Probably not much time to do a long one too. Left with 10 minutes before i have to rush back to camp. Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there. The only reason why your children likes to make things difficult for you, is that they just hope to make their presence felt and for you to be there nagging at them. Quote and unquote.

Alright, that's all folks. Till then.

Waiting game

"Fuck!"

Trust me to come out with this word right? That's the word i'll use to sum up the whole week. A week whereby some of us deemed it as the slackest week among the 8 weeks stay in OCS. But for me, it's a week of disappointment, soreness, body aches, fatigue and emptiness.

Somehow, i hurled that f-word out, right in front of my instructor during my SOC test on Wednesday. And guess what? I failed my SOC due to my low rope station. I was so pissed of with myself when i'm not able to do a proper loop after 3 tries, and i had to surrender my number tag to my instructor, who's the supervising officer at the station.

I was so disappointed that i kept mute for the rest of the day after the SOC. I went back to try re-doing the low rope station again, after the whole wing headed back for shower and dinner. Without much difficulty, i managed to clear it with a single loop and did it for couple of times. That's when i asked myself why am i so upset. Does result matters so much to me now? No doubt SOC is a veto factor to remain in OCS, but somehow i felt i'm setting alot of expectations and demanded alot more from myself.

Perhaps too used being not bothered by results and such previously, things came my way without much difficulties and sometimes unexpectedly. But recently, starting from my failure of Air-Grading over at Tamworth, things are no longer the same. The more i want something, the more i won't be able to achieve it. And maybe i'm not someone who accepts failure easily, i get emotionally down when i failed. Not to the extreme extend whereby i go bonkers or anything to do with violence, i just felt like i'm going back to my old self; a walking zombie.

Trainings for me have also been picking up quite alot lately. Additional trainings for those who have yet to achieve Gold for IPPT, whereby those already done so get to sleep and do whatever they deemed fit. Sprinting around tracks for 5km or so, just the day before our SOC test, makes one wonder if we are trained to be superman.

Not forgetting the long punishment on Wednesday night, for the lack of discipline as explained by the instructor.

The punishment breaks down to something like this in sequential order:
1) 3 changing parade from admin attire to long 4, long 4 to civilian and back to long 4 again, each with a time frame of 3 minutes.
2) Followed by falling in FBO (Full Battle Order) in 2 minutes.
3) 2 minutes to get 2 full water bottle filled up.
4) Placing 2 water bottles, fieldpack, helmet and SBO separately at 4 corners of the parade square, with another time frame of 3 minutes again.
5) 2 minutes to gather all the stuff back.
6) Drink up 1 full water bottle of 1 litre and 3 of my platoon mates puked up. Despite sounding out that they are too full to continue, the instructor told them to continue drinking and they can just puke on the parade square if they need to, which they did.
7) Marched around the whole parade square with FBO for 30 minutes.
8) 10 minutes to wash up and lights out with zero movements.

All and all, the punishment lasted almost 1hr 40minutes. Whether it's legal or not, whether if there's any safety breach or not and whether it's considered tough punishment or not, you shall be the judge.

I'm being quieter lately and i hate to think now. Going through motions just like what our instructors like to label us, is exactly what i'm doing now. Isolating myself away from the crowd, listening to emo punk rock, not talking much, black and white, giving and showing hack care attitude and use of excessive vulgarities are probably what you will expect from the dead man walking; Jeri.

I realised my blog posts tends to be rather dull, with tonnes of words and zero picture/photo. So i reckon i should add some pictures here and there, hopefully able to just lighten up the sullen mood. So here you go, self portrait of me in the pearly white No.1 ceremonial uniform. Being one of the ushers for the upcoming commissioning parade on the 10th of June, i'm issued the uniform and first task in hand; get it clean up and well-ironed.

In case you guys forget due to busy working around the clock or too preoccupied with army just like me, here's a gentle reminder that this coming Sunday is Mother's Day. My sister brought back home a cake this morning, for an early Mother's Day short celebration. No idea what you call it, but it's basically chocolate cream cake with bananas.

I wanted to spend time alone for some shopping today. But it started raining in the noon and i got lazy. That's when i procrastinate yet again. So yet again i stared at my laptop the whole day, downloading movies and games. To think about it, i'm simply not making full use of my time. But nevertheless, doing what i like is all that it matters ain't it. Who cares if it's constructive or not. Living by itself is not a choice for a start.

And i've finally managed to change the song for my blog. Probably too noisy for some, but once again, the lyrics captivated me. Alright, that's all i have for now, shall leave you guys with the song and head for my cold dinner.

Till then.