Hear you me

Time to blog again. I've got tonnes of thoughts and feeling to note down here. But as i go along, i'm pretty sure i'll cut or forget most of them, but nonetheless, this post shall be another whining by me. Just be warned on an emo post.

Backtracking a little on my platoon field camp 2 weeks ago. I was given exercise PC appointment during day 2 of the outfield. And the mission i had was the Platoon Battle course. Did all the necessary rehearsals, briefed my platoon on the mission, all the possible enemy contact points, and the few danger area crossings to expect.

Thinking that i've done all that i could, i moved out hoping to perform and put up a good show for my PC and instructors. Especially so when just before i head out, one of my instructor, LTA Poh, called me over, told me to complete the mission with my usual composure and even joked to me that the 2 golden full lieutenant exercise PC bars on my shoulders, will be black and mine if i managed to do a good job for the mission.

But of course it wasn't meant to be. After moving out for less than 100 meters, the platoon came to a halt due to numerous training 3-tonners moving along the tracks, and it turned out to be the hiccup of many undesirable events to come. At the first enemy contact point, my point section was contacted and the enemy was across a small stream. I place the MG team as the fire support group, firing just diagonally across the enemy, as i pull a section to do a quick attack.

Mistake number one, i should have pulled the 2 remaining sections along with me. Mistake number two, i should have smoked out the open patch before i cross the area with the assault force. Last but not least, the most deadly mistake i made, i made my section commander of the section i bought over to charge out and take the lead of over-running the enemy. It ended up they charged out heading the wrong direction and the instructor declared all dead except one.

My PC came over and gave me an earful and questioned the fact that why i didn't lead the whole section for the attack but instead leave the section commander to take the lead while i stayed back. My explanation to him was that i didn't get myself involved in the fire fight cause i want to make sure i can tie down reinforcements with the reserve section.

He took it as i wasn't leading by example and being a Platoon Commander, i should have lead my men into the fight instead of just staying behind, for which it's not what a commander should be. And he got so pissed that he shouted at me to strip off the exercise PC rank and called for another platoon mate to take over me.

In front of the whole platoon, i was placed in the most embarrassing moment of having to take off my rank and passed it on to another exercise PC. My instructor, LTA Poh pulled me to a side and talk to me about it. He made me understand that why my PC got so pissed with what i've done, assured me or perhaps consoled me that it's just a case of bad decision, told me not to worry about that and they the instructors will not doubt my capabilities just because of it.

I wasn't really affect by the fact that i was the only guy who got the most scolding from my PC nor the fact that i'm the only guy who got stripped off the exercise PC rank for the whole field camp, i was probably thinking, it's really not easy to be an officer, someone who needs to take care of the other 27 in the platoon and be confident enough to handle many unexpected situations, all by yourself.

For the rest of the exercise i kept thinking and asking myself why did i do that, why didn't i do this and such. And i came out with an answer, and it's none other than, i'm just human. I err and i bleed. Through this, i learnt my lessons, even though it's not a pleasant way to learn things, but i'm sure unless i made this mistake during the exercise, i'll never grow as a good officer.

My PC was very kind to me perhaps favouring me just a little, he gave me another opportunity to perform by assigning me as exercise PC the very next day. Exercise PC for an assault mission. This time round, again i faced so many unforseen turn of events, starting from my Wing Commander interferring with my MG team, which results in them lagging back the platoon far behind, to asking me to deploy MG when crossing danger area, even though i had already got approved to only deploy 2 men when crossing the small tracks with my PC during my brief to him.

Not to mention i missed the H-hour for the mission and despite clearing the enemy with an excellent fire and movement up a 85 meters hill, as praised by my instructors, my PC declared my mission as a failure for not meeting the crucial H-hour. Worse of all, i was declared dead when the fire fight was almost done, and my runner take over me as PC, as the fight goes on, eventually the exercise PS took out as per normal during wartime.

As i took off my helmet after being declared as casualty by my PC, i looked around and witnessed the rest of the platoon putting up a good fire movement up the hill and i told myself, regardless of how screwed up i was, or for what i've done, the assault was classic textbook style. There were proper fire and cover, and enough communication was done to ensure the extended line moved up nicely and no converging was resulted.

The stress to perform and think fast as an officer was felt throughout the whole exercise when i held the PC appointment. Command and control is the key to success, and of cause not forgetting practice makes perfect.

Back to 2 days ago, 9th of June, Friday, my 21st birthday. Coincidentally, we guys get to have our first ever nights out since we stepped into OCS 12 weeks ago. Went to Jurong Point with my platoon, had Billy Bombers and watched the movie "Cars" with some of my platoon mates. Giving myself a treat for my birthday and not until we got back to camp, after 12am, then they realised it's my birthday. But too late, it was already past lights off time, and i escaped any possible unwanted torture from them.

This 21st birthday of mine is somewhat a combination of good and bad. But of cause the bad wasn't really that bad at all, and it's just that i didn't receive any present. Perhaps it's something good as well, at least now i have excuse not to return them presents on their birthdays. So feel guilty if i gave you present on your birthday and you didn't for mine? As if i really mind, and don't try to be bother by it, cause thought that counts do exists in my dictionary.

The good was that i received numerous unexpected greetings. Whether you guys did remember it by heart, through mobile phone reminders, ringo or friendster, just wanna thank you all. If you happened to miss it, just feel free to drop a greeting here now, this will do too.

And sorry to those who wanted to have a meeting with me for it, i really don't have time for it. My life now pretty much evolves around army and time to rest is not that much either. I can only limit myself to do this and then to sacrifice that. And for this, i find myself most of the time alone. Reason being i have to reject meeting up every now and then, and when i initialed a meet up, i get rejected. So much about what goes around, comes around?

Just as i was relating to my friend, i find myself so different as compared to just a year ago. I'm getting lazier with thoughts, and most of the time i find myself questioning and finding reasons for doing this and that. I'm just following through motions, and taking what's being thrown at me. Good or bad, i just accepted it and no questions asked.

On Friday itself, i was summoned to my PC office. He did a feedback on my assessment for the platoon field camp exercise PC. I managed to score 68% out of the possible 100%, and he mentioned a couple of things. He advised me to be harsher and firm when it comes to business. Revealing to me a little about the peer appraisal by my platoon mates, he told me that i'm quite likable in the platoon, and i'm definitely by no means near the category of condemned personnel.

Even though i failed my mission, he did score me quite high for the assessment. And also complimenting me as one of his few best cadets he had, i felt guilty and disappointed for not performing to my best of capabilities when i'm holding appointment.

Alright that's all for the moment. Congratulations to those who commissioned yesterday.

Till then.