Last of 2005
31122005. This shall be the last post for the year. Haven't been posting much lately, so i'm here to do a post and basically to wrap up the year.
Has been pretty much the same lately, going to Air Force School everyday, slacking all day round. Tried sharing some of my tales i heard or experienced back at Air Force School, but somehow i think not many were interested, cos perhaps it's rather boring? But like what me and my course mates have agreed upon, and that is, unless you're us, whatever we say or do, no one will understand. So i think it's best i'll not mention much here. If you're interested, feel free to ask me more about it personally.
I've been told when is my flying off date to Tamworth for our Air-Grading Course(AGC). But i'll keep this date myself. Call it pilot's pride or whatsoever, i think i'm more towards afraid of failing? Thus i didn't really want many to wish me luck or know about it, until i managed to get it over with, and of course with a pass. But for those who knew about it, perhaps the only rational is that, you're someone special?
But of course, i'm not really that crazy to the extend that i have the mentally of: Pilot or Nothing. Our course commander was telling us on our day 1, that alot of the pilot trainees who came here have this thinking. And seriously, i must say, those who are already pilots, not pilot trainees, they do have the 2nd is nothing attitude.
I managed to download and just watched the movie: Behind Enemy Lines. What else right? It's a war movie. Somehow i'm all into this recently. So, if you guys have any nice war movies, preferably pilot or airplanes, kindly drop me the title of it. Anyway, the movie i was mentioning has a plot based on a navy pilot navigator, whose F-18 plane was shot down, pilot killed, after they managed to capture picture of enemy's doing. Stuck in enemy zone, he has to get to the safe zone before rescue can be deployed. Quite an emotional movie, but perhaps not so much for the ladies. Watch it if you guys have the chance.
Saw the advertisement about Oasis live in Singapore few days back on TV mobile. Too bad, it's on the 23rd February. Most probably i'll not able to watch it. But there's a good chance that i might be able to do so. Cos if anyone didn't managed to meet the mark and got cut from the Air Grading Course, he will be send back to Singapore immediately, with the rest continuing the course. Speaking about being cut off, i was telling my course 02/06 AGC, the good positive thing we could look forward, even if anyone of us got cut off, is that the person will be able to come back perhaps in time for the concert and maybe better, even in time to celebrate Valentine's Day. Of course, all of us would rather missed out on this 2 events and pass the AGC.
With no offence, our course were discussing about the fact that pilot vocation doesn't have any muslims. In fact, i realised that Air Force School doesn't even cater any muslim food. So to say, you can never find a malay in Air Force? Perhaps so. Even if he is, most probably he's non-muslim. So why did i touch on this issue? Cos 90% of my course mate were saying that i look like malay, and i'm given the names like "Ahmad", "Mud", "Muhammad Bin...". In return, i'll just take the "compliment" and try to bring glory to the malays. So most of the time, i'll often turn to them and say, "Tah Halal?", whenever we are having our lunch and such.
Today's New year eve, so i bet most of you guys should be outside, either chilling out with friends, love ones, waiting for countdown or go LAN gaming? Sound too old for LAN gaming? But that's what my course mates did. That's how crappy pilot trainees can be.
And before i forget, with no offence again, they are the first group of friends who are asking me to smoke. 5 smokers and 1 social smoker, out of 15 in my course. Mind you, with the tonnes of free time we have, the 5 smokers can be puffing close to 10 sticks from 0730hrs to 1700hrs. This is totally impossible if you're in Army or Navy. In fact they were telling me, most of the already qualified pilots smoke. To handle stress? No idea. Shall leave that for your own discretion. But of course for Jeri to smoke? That's not me anymore. If i was ever diagnosed dead due to smoking, the only way it has to be, is that i died as 2nd hand smoker. Period.
Before i side track again, i was mentioning about new year, and i was trying to say, how time flies. So much has happened in this 365 days. In fact, if you will to go think about it, we only had like 244 days? Cos 1/3 of the time we were sleeping like pigs. Yet within this short period of time, tonnes has happened, both for myself and of course friends around me. But stupid right? Things have to happen, cos the world keeps rotating, so why am i like whining about it?
Sad to say, many things will never be the same again. Often when i'm thinking and perhaps expecting others to be like this or like that, my friends will tell me, cos we are made different, to each his own. True, and of course, it's easy to judge others than to judge yourself. So never mind, shall not be too bothered with it.
Guess i'll end here.
Hope every single one of you out there, will have a much much better year in the coming 2006. If you have any resolutions, work hard towards it, if not, just live the way you wanted to. The simple bottomline i'll advise you guys is;
Do whatever you like, just not do anything which will hurt others, emotionally or physically, intentionally or unintentionally.
Happy 2006! May all the angels be by your side, demons far away.
Till then.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Depressing Love
Click image for larger view
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
Please forgive the manner of my leaving.
My love and need for all of you remain.
I could not long such suffering sustain,
Nor would it long have held you from your grieving.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I hope that choice will not my memory stain,
Nor lead you to be wroth at my deceiving.
My love and need for all of you remain.
For only in you do I live again,
Woven like a wind into your weaving.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I put to you the plea of the self-slain:
To comprehend an anguish past conceiving.
My love and need for all of you remain
That all that I have been not be in vain,
But blend into the earth of your believing.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
My love and need for all of you remain.
Click image for larger view
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
Please forgive the manner of my leaving.
My love and need for all of you remain.
I could not long such suffering sustain,
Nor would it long have held you from your grieving.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I hope that choice will not my memory stain,
Nor lead you to be wroth at my deceiving.
My love and need for all of you remain.
For only in you do I live again,
Woven like a wind into your weaving.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I put to you the plea of the self-slain:
To comprehend an anguish past conceiving.
My love and need for all of you remain
That all that I have been not be in vain,
But blend into the earth of your believing.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
My love and need for all of you remain.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Simple note
Been some time since i posted something on my blog. The irony of this is that i'm suppose to have more time now, but i guess i'm just too lazy. Alright, so what has happened for the whole of my last week?
Since Monday, the day i reported to Air Force School, i'm basically labelled as "slacker". The reason is simple. For that the whole of the week, what i have to do is, be there by 0730hrs, do role-call(accounting of strength), attend briefings on Tuesday and Thurdays, slack from 0830hrs till 0930hrs and go for teabreak, wait for 1150hrs and go for lunch, start doing some sports like tennis, soccer and jogging from 1400hrs till around 1700hrs and by 1730hrs, we will be at the bus stop waiting to go back home.
Discipline wise, because of the fact that now we are Officer Cadets(OCT), carrying the 2nd worse rank in SAF(fyi, recruit is the lowest form of life in SAF); the single white stripe on our shoulders, we have to make sure we greet all the high ranking personnel(Sergeants and above). And that we were told that, pilot trainees often get complains for rudeness and such, primarily due to the fact that we are the most slack Officer Cadets, and we became the jealousy of many others.
Other than that, we are allowed to do whatever we want, go wherever we are permited to, simply at our own convenience. Applying the 8th core value in SAF - Do and don't get caught.
So why in the whole world we get to do all these and not doing anything that's constructive, at least to justify the pay we get and the money of the taxpayers which goes down to the training and planes we will be having?
Well, right now, my course including me has 13 cadets waiting for our shot at the 02/06 Air-Grading Course(AGC) over at Tamworth(Australia), which starts early Feb. Before we go over, there will be another last round of medical checkup and IPPT. And of course to get our deeds sign by our sureties.
As for what are the benefits we will get to enjoy, what we will be doing over there, what are the hazards we might face, i think i'll not mention them here, in case i go over the line and spill out what considered classified unintentionally. So, if you're interested to know more, probably you have to come to me personally.
Just an overview, after 5-6 weeks of air-grading, we will be going to Officer Cadet School(OCS) for 9 weeks. After which, we will be coming back to Air Force School, for few weeks of ground school, and then proceed to Basic Wing Course(BWC). This will take around 9 months. After which i think that's when the commissioning parade will be done, whereby we will get the Gold Bar on our shoulders; rank of 2nd Lieutenant. Lastly back to Air Force School, and then lastly Advance Wing Course(AWC), that's when those who make it till here, will be split to Fighter Wing Course(FWC), Rotary Wing Course(RWC) and Transport Wing Course(TWC). Basically be train as fighter, helicopters or transport pilots.
All and all, this will take around 3 years including the waiting time in between before the start of the next course. And of course, it often starts out with a course size of 20 and after going through AGC, 50% gone, after BWC, 10-20% more gone, after AWC, another 5-10% gone, by then, you will be left with a handful of 3-5 trainees. The cut-off rate is so high, the "chopping board" never will be in silent mode.
"It's a rewarding challenging job." This is how one of the instructors, with 29 years of flying experience put forward to us during the Friday safety briefing. In fact, the safety brief we had last Friday was the one which probably made some of us think again if being pilot is what we really wanted. 3 real-life case studies of the Air Force pilot trainees were being discussed. These 3 cases were recent cases and 1 of the case study trainee was in the classroom during the brief. I'll skip the story here, but he almost died during his AWC training.
It was his own mistake for his near fatal death, but it's only fair to say that he wouldn't have want to do it on purpose and for that, the mistake caused him to be switched to RWC from his original FWC. For your information, he cheated death with only 5 seconds left to go.
So at the end of the briefing, my course, all the 13 young flyer wannabes, were discussing about the fact why most of the time, pilots were introduced together with the number of flying hours they clocked. So we came out with a conclusion that it simply means that they have survived that particular number of hours in air and managed to come down safely, in one piece.
Another thing we discussed was the glory, the prestige, the wealth, versus the death, the danger and the time we need to sacrifice. We are basically at the extremes. Now you know why Air Force slogan is "Above All"? High pay, high death, high stress, high up, high everything.
Alright, i guess i'll stop here about all the talks of being a pilot. Period.
Today is the day of sharing and being happy. So, i suppose we should be happy? But anyway, it's not good for me at all. Don't want to be a spoil-sport, so i better not make it sound emo yet again. Hope you guys have fun.
Merry Christmas to those reading this blog. May Santa be with you always.
Been some time since i posted something on my blog. The irony of this is that i'm suppose to have more time now, but i guess i'm just too lazy. Alright, so what has happened for the whole of my last week?
Since Monday, the day i reported to Air Force School, i'm basically labelled as "slacker". The reason is simple. For that the whole of the week, what i have to do is, be there by 0730hrs, do role-call(accounting of strength), attend briefings on Tuesday and Thurdays, slack from 0830hrs till 0930hrs and go for teabreak, wait for 1150hrs and go for lunch, start doing some sports like tennis, soccer and jogging from 1400hrs till around 1700hrs and by 1730hrs, we will be at the bus stop waiting to go back home.
Discipline wise, because of the fact that now we are Officer Cadets(OCT), carrying the 2nd worse rank in SAF(fyi, recruit is the lowest form of life in SAF); the single white stripe on our shoulders, we have to make sure we greet all the high ranking personnel(Sergeants and above). And that we were told that, pilot trainees often get complains for rudeness and such, primarily due to the fact that we are the most slack Officer Cadets, and we became the jealousy of many others.
Other than that, we are allowed to do whatever we want, go wherever we are permited to, simply at our own convenience. Applying the 8th core value in SAF - Do and don't get caught.
So why in the whole world we get to do all these and not doing anything that's constructive, at least to justify the pay we get and the money of the taxpayers which goes down to the training and planes we will be having?
Well, right now, my course including me has 13 cadets waiting for our shot at the 02/06 Air-Grading Course(AGC) over at Tamworth(Australia), which starts early Feb. Before we go over, there will be another last round of medical checkup and IPPT. And of course to get our deeds sign by our sureties.
As for what are the benefits we will get to enjoy, what we will be doing over there, what are the hazards we might face, i think i'll not mention them here, in case i go over the line and spill out what considered classified unintentionally. So, if you're interested to know more, probably you have to come to me personally.
Just an overview, after 5-6 weeks of air-grading, we will be going to Officer Cadet School(OCS) for 9 weeks. After which, we will be coming back to Air Force School, for few weeks of ground school, and then proceed to Basic Wing Course(BWC). This will take around 9 months. After which i think that's when the commissioning parade will be done, whereby we will get the Gold Bar on our shoulders; rank of 2nd Lieutenant. Lastly back to Air Force School, and then lastly Advance Wing Course(AWC), that's when those who make it till here, will be split to Fighter Wing Course(FWC), Rotary Wing Course(RWC) and Transport Wing Course(TWC). Basically be train as fighter, helicopters or transport pilots.
All and all, this will take around 3 years including the waiting time in between before the start of the next course. And of course, it often starts out with a course size of 20 and after going through AGC, 50% gone, after BWC, 10-20% more gone, after AWC, another 5-10% gone, by then, you will be left with a handful of 3-5 trainees. The cut-off rate is so high, the "chopping board" never will be in silent mode.
"It's a rewarding challenging job." This is how one of the instructors, with 29 years of flying experience put forward to us during the Friday safety briefing. In fact, the safety brief we had last Friday was the one which probably made some of us think again if being pilot is what we really wanted. 3 real-life case studies of the Air Force pilot trainees were being discussed. These 3 cases were recent cases and 1 of the case study trainee was in the classroom during the brief. I'll skip the story here, but he almost died during his AWC training.
It was his own mistake for his near fatal death, but it's only fair to say that he wouldn't have want to do it on purpose and for that, the mistake caused him to be switched to RWC from his original FWC. For your information, he cheated death with only 5 seconds left to go.
So at the end of the briefing, my course, all the 13 young flyer wannabes, were discussing about the fact why most of the time, pilots were introduced together with the number of flying hours they clocked. So we came out with a conclusion that it simply means that they have survived that particular number of hours in air and managed to come down safely, in one piece.
Another thing we discussed was the glory, the prestige, the wealth, versus the death, the danger and the time we need to sacrifice. We are basically at the extremes. Now you know why Air Force slogan is "Above All"? High pay, high death, high stress, high up, high everything.
Alright, i guess i'll stop here about all the talks of being a pilot. Period.
Today is the day of sharing and being happy. So, i suppose we should be happy? But anyway, it's not good for me at all. Don't want to be a spoil-sport, so i better not make it sound emo yet again. Hope you guys have fun.
Merry Christmas to those reading this blog. May Santa be with you always.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
New posting, new start
Finally we got what we have been eagerly waiting for; the posting of our new unit. My posting is as below. I'm lazy to type, so i'll just copy down what's written down in my e-posting order.
-------------------------------------------------
Comd SAF BMTC congratulates you for your successful completion of the BMT.
Your Posting Order is listed below:
1. You are posted to AFS.
2. Your vocation is PILOT.
3. Your are to report to: Air Force School, Multi-Purpo.
Reporting Date/Time: 19/12/2005 at 0745 hrs.
Person to report to: Snr Instr
Contact Number: 64618583/84
You are required to report in smart no.4 uniform (PES E recruits to be in No 3 uniform), except for those assigned to Police Force.
4. Special Instruction: Please bring along 4 passport size color photos, a set of PT Kit, photocopies of highest educational certificate, result transcript and own writing materials ONLY on the first day of reporting. FBO is NOT required. No Camera Handphone is allowed in AFS.
-------------------------------------------------
Alright, this is supposely what i'm looking for; being confirmed as pilot trainee, so i reckon i should be happy about it? Looking at the instructions given for me, i'm just wondering if i'll be a slacker real soon. I don't even have to bring much stuff for my first day of reporting, and i reckon i might be going home on the first day, whereas those going OCS or some other units might have to serve compulsory confinements for weeks.
Somehow i'm feeling kinda empty about this vocation. Probably i will be all by myself when i'm over at the Air Force School. The feeling of starting all over again, in terms of making new friends, adapting new environment and of course not to mention the stress, could be just the few things i've to watch out for.
That's all i have. Getting lazy to blog these days. But just hang around my blog, once i start my pilot training, probably i'll do a daily blogging about my vocation. For now, take care my friends. Merry X'mas in advance and all the best for those going other units or command school.
Tough time don't last, tough man do.
Till then.
Finally we got what we have been eagerly waiting for; the posting of our new unit. My posting is as below. I'm lazy to type, so i'll just copy down what's written down in my e-posting order.
-------------------------------------------------
Comd SAF BMTC congratulates you for your successful completion of the BMT.
Your Posting Order is listed below:
1. You are posted to AFS.
2. Your vocation is PILOT.
3. Your are to report to: Air Force School, Multi-Purpo.
Reporting Date/Time: 19/12/2005 at 0745 hrs.
Person to report to: Snr Instr
Contact Number: 64618583/84
You are required to report in smart no.4 uniform (PES E recruits to be in No 3 uniform), except for those assigned to Police Force.
4. Special Instruction: Please bring along 4 passport size color photos, a set of PT Kit, photocopies of highest educational certificate, result transcript and own writing materials ONLY on the first day of reporting. FBO is NOT required. No Camera Handphone is allowed in AFS.
-------------------------------------------------
Alright, this is supposely what i'm looking for; being confirmed as pilot trainee, so i reckon i should be happy about it? Looking at the instructions given for me, i'm just wondering if i'll be a slacker real soon. I don't even have to bring much stuff for my first day of reporting, and i reckon i might be going home on the first day, whereas those going OCS or some other units might have to serve compulsory confinements for weeks.
Somehow i'm feeling kinda empty about this vocation. Probably i will be all by myself when i'm over at the Air Force School. The feeling of starting all over again, in terms of making new friends, adapting new environment and of course not to mention the stress, could be just the few things i've to watch out for.
That's all i have. Getting lazy to blog these days. But just hang around my blog, once i start my pilot training, probably i'll do a daily blogging about my vocation. For now, take care my friends. Merry X'mas in advance and all the best for those going other units or command school.
Tough time don't last, tough man do.
Till then.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Simple Note
Been almost a week since my Passing Out Parade(POP) last Tuesday, and just in case some of you guys are wondering how come i'm hardly online these days, well, i'm simply sick. Shouldn't have made it sound so simple, cause i was down for days. Iterally from Thursday till Sunday, i was having bad stomach flu.
The only thing that i could remember from this, was that i was bed-ridden for the first 3 days, eating only mouthful of porridge, only to be vomitted out. Worst experience i ever had been sick, and trust me, though i'm feeling better now, the thought of vomitting everytime i took medicine, and water is all i have to vomit, i hope this shall be the last time stomach flu ever come visiting me.
So much of thinking what should i do for the 13 days or so break, i ended up doing nothing. To extend my apologies to those who called or sms me during these days, i'm sorry that i wasn't able to reply or pick up your call. Probably some of you might thought i was playing punk, or like what my friend Sam said, only picking up girls' calls, so i guess i have to explain that i was so weak, i didn't check my mobile from last Thursday to Saturday. It went flat without me knowing too. Just hope you guys understand.
Minus off the long sickness i had, probably the rest of the week is overall a good one. First thing was none other than the POP i had last Tuesday. Couple of things to mention on my POP day. Before our parade, 4 guys and and me was called up to our Platoon Office by our Platoon Commander(PC). Not to issue any punishments, we were simply told that we are shortlisted for OCS.
The moment i was told i'm in the list, the first thought in my mind wasn't really about the glory, honour, pride or whatsoever. I was thinking back, about 3 months ago, the day i stepped on Tekong, the day i exchanged my pink IC for the 11B, and those days of trainings and outfield we had. Probably the only thing that i felt i was among the ranks of OCS shortlist, was that i'm Jack of all trades, yet master of none.
Just doing my best in whatever i was told and tasked to, was probably the only thing i had in mind whenever i woke up at 0430hrs to start the day off. Life in BMT wasn't a complete smooth sailing one, no doubt i had my fair share of punishments. But i guess, that's when you learnt and become better.
Towards the end of the parade, whereby our parents put on our jockey caps for us to symbolise the well-deserved hardwork we put in during the 3 months, my PC came to me and shook my hand. He said to me, "Well done, and congrats making to OCS." I thanked him and deep down, i know i meant it.
The second and probably the most eagerly anticipated news i have, was none other than the pilot vocation, which i have been talking for months. I received a house call on Friday afternoon, the day whereby i'm still pretty much sick. The call was to inform me that, i've managed to clear all my status and have been confirmed as pilot trainee. The final confirmation will be on my vocation posting day, 16th Dec, whereby my posting should reflect Air Force School.
So now, i'm left with the last concern; my 2 sureties. I need to submit the form with the 2 names as soon as possible and it's the passport to the start of my course. Without it, i won't be able to go for my 2 months Air-grading over at Australia. Criteria for surety: 21 years old, with minimum monthly income of $800. Anyone willing to help?
Putting aside all the big talks of becoming pilot, the prestige, the pay, the prospects, and as always, i like to think about the negative side of it. List of the downside: 12 years contract committment, the danger in air, the possibilities of failing the course and having to push back pursuing of degree.
But guess what? I'm not going to think so much again. Since i'm given the opportunity, i might as well just go for it. In case you guys wasn't aware, right from the start, i didn't sign up for pilot as my career. After i got home after my first book-out back in 21st September, i saw this Air Force letter which invites me to take the computer test. That's when everything starts to come in pieces. Perhaps i should take this as an offer given to me and that if i do fail to make any criteria, at any point of time, i could just give myself a pat and say, "You tried your best."
Come to think again, either way, call me a pilot-dropout or pilot, at least i went throught it. The rest ain't important anymore.
Just yesterday, i told a friend of mine to cheer up. Even my friend was taken back. Fancy me asking someone to cheer up? It's like striking Lottery without buying a ticket, the odds is zero. Perhaps all those vomittings in the past few days, did in fact managed to throw out some of my stubborn thoughts. Well, i guess i'm too tired to be always too critical of things now. But word of caution, if you think the old me is gone, think again.
Just when i saw many nicks in my msn with the phrase, all i want for christmas is you, then i realised x'mas is just 13 days away. Last year's x'mas was the only one i had, with exchanging of presents, but i reckon this year's wouldn't be of that scale. But nonetheless, i'll still make a x'mas wish. And that's things will go my way. Sounds vague and greedy ain't it? But that's the point. X'mas is to have fun and be greedy, but for those gals out there, watch your waistline.
For now, i'm yearning for good food and cold gassy drinks. Any takers?
Been almost a week since my Passing Out Parade(POP) last Tuesday, and just in case some of you guys are wondering how come i'm hardly online these days, well, i'm simply sick. Shouldn't have made it sound so simple, cause i was down for days. Iterally from Thursday till Sunday, i was having bad stomach flu.
The only thing that i could remember from this, was that i was bed-ridden for the first 3 days, eating only mouthful of porridge, only to be vomitted out. Worst experience i ever had been sick, and trust me, though i'm feeling better now, the thought of vomitting everytime i took medicine, and water is all i have to vomit, i hope this shall be the last time stomach flu ever come visiting me.
So much of thinking what should i do for the 13 days or so break, i ended up doing nothing. To extend my apologies to those who called or sms me during these days, i'm sorry that i wasn't able to reply or pick up your call. Probably some of you might thought i was playing punk, or like what my friend Sam said, only picking up girls' calls, so i guess i have to explain that i was so weak, i didn't check my mobile from last Thursday to Saturday. It went flat without me knowing too. Just hope you guys understand.
Minus off the long sickness i had, probably the rest of the week is overall a good one. First thing was none other than the POP i had last Tuesday. Couple of things to mention on my POP day. Before our parade, 4 guys and and me was called up to our Platoon Office by our Platoon Commander(PC). Not to issue any punishments, we were simply told that we are shortlisted for OCS.
The moment i was told i'm in the list, the first thought in my mind wasn't really about the glory, honour, pride or whatsoever. I was thinking back, about 3 months ago, the day i stepped on Tekong, the day i exchanged my pink IC for the 11B, and those days of trainings and outfield we had. Probably the only thing that i felt i was among the ranks of OCS shortlist, was that i'm Jack of all trades, yet master of none.
Just doing my best in whatever i was told and tasked to, was probably the only thing i had in mind whenever i woke up at 0430hrs to start the day off. Life in BMT wasn't a complete smooth sailing one, no doubt i had my fair share of punishments. But i guess, that's when you learnt and become better.
Towards the end of the parade, whereby our parents put on our jockey caps for us to symbolise the well-deserved hardwork we put in during the 3 months, my PC came to me and shook my hand. He said to me, "Well done, and congrats making to OCS." I thanked him and deep down, i know i meant it.
The second and probably the most eagerly anticipated news i have, was none other than the pilot vocation, which i have been talking for months. I received a house call on Friday afternoon, the day whereby i'm still pretty much sick. The call was to inform me that, i've managed to clear all my status and have been confirmed as pilot trainee. The final confirmation will be on my vocation posting day, 16th Dec, whereby my posting should reflect Air Force School.
So now, i'm left with the last concern; my 2 sureties. I need to submit the form with the 2 names as soon as possible and it's the passport to the start of my course. Without it, i won't be able to go for my 2 months Air-grading over at Australia. Criteria for surety: 21 years old, with minimum monthly income of $800. Anyone willing to help?
Putting aside all the big talks of becoming pilot, the prestige, the pay, the prospects, and as always, i like to think about the negative side of it. List of the downside: 12 years contract committment, the danger in air, the possibilities of failing the course and having to push back pursuing of degree.
But guess what? I'm not going to think so much again. Since i'm given the opportunity, i might as well just go for it. In case you guys wasn't aware, right from the start, i didn't sign up for pilot as my career. After i got home after my first book-out back in 21st September, i saw this Air Force letter which invites me to take the computer test. That's when everything starts to come in pieces. Perhaps i should take this as an offer given to me and that if i do fail to make any criteria, at any point of time, i could just give myself a pat and say, "You tried your best."
Come to think again, either way, call me a pilot-dropout or pilot, at least i went throught it. The rest ain't important anymore.
Just yesterday, i told a friend of mine to cheer up. Even my friend was taken back. Fancy me asking someone to cheer up? It's like striking Lottery without buying a ticket, the odds is zero. Perhaps all those vomittings in the past few days, did in fact managed to throw out some of my stubborn thoughts. Well, i guess i'm too tired to be always too critical of things now. But word of caution, if you think the old me is gone, think again.
Just when i saw many nicks in my msn with the phrase, all i want for christmas is you, then i realised x'mas is just 13 days away. Last year's x'mas was the only one i had, with exchanging of presents, but i reckon this year's wouldn't be of that scale. But nonetheless, i'll still make a x'mas wish. And that's things will go my way. Sounds vague and greedy ain't it? But that's the point. X'mas is to have fun and be greedy, but for those gals out there, watch your waistline.
For now, i'm yearning for good food and cold gassy drinks. Any takers?
Sunday, December 04, 2005
I'm better off my own - 2
So, what should be in this post? The whole of last week was rather.. I should say ups and downs. Let's start with all the down parts.
First and foremost, i started the week with an ear infection on my right ear. Was having slight ache the week before, but i didn't really bother about it, as always. So, on the Tuesday morning, i woke up with one ear deaf. Shocked and scared was probably the easiest words i could think of now to describe my initial feeling.
Something that i could count myself lucky was that, i had my pilot medical review over at the Aeromedical Center to be done that morning, so i took the book out opportunity to consult doctor at the Tampines SingHealth.
Reason being that anyone guy out there who been through army, would definitely nod in silence, that visiting army Medical Center is simply waste of time, especially in Tekong. Cause you will be spending 2-3 hours waiting, less than 10 second of consultation by those impatient Medical Officers (i haven't been to the Medical Center before, but all those who did, can vouch that all the doctor say to you is simply: "Fever? Ok, go outside take your presciption." I doubt it's more than 10 seconds.) , and lastly medications which are nevertheless useless.
For the benefit of those who asked me about how's my pilot vocation going on, and those who had the misunderstanding that i'm already a pilot trainee, i shall do a quick update of my pilot vocation status.
As mentioned above, i was called for a review on my HB. HB is the abbreviation for Hemoglobin. Taken from dictionary: Hemoglobin - The red respiratory protein of red blood cells that transports oxygen as oxyhemoglobin from the lungs to the tissues, where the oxygen is readily released and the oxyhemoglobin becomes hemoglobin.
Don't worry, mine wasn't at the abnormal level, in fact i was told my HB is perfectly fine, but it's just that they have strict critera for pilots, and all that i know, i have to hit 13.5 for HB level. Thus the review was to have a full screen on my blood to find out if i do have any genetic blood disorder, and if necessary, i will have to take supplement to increase my HB level.
So, i'm basically still stuck at the last stage of confirmation, waiting for my medical clearance. Simply so near yet so far.
The most crappy incident happened on last Tuesday too. Another platoon mate and i booked out for our medical review and for convenience sake, we took the short route towards the jetty to be ferry back to mainland. On our way, we saw our SSM(School Sergeant Major) walking towards our direction. Human instinct to just shoo pass "danger", we tried to just looked down, acted as if we were looking at our appointment letters, trying to walked passed him as quickly as possible.
But there was no chance in hell, after just bypassing him, he called for us and reprimanded us for not greeting him. He "knocked" us down 10 push ups on the spot, and we were lashed out for not showing basic courtesy. But just when we thought that's all, after we got back to our company, we realised that he called and complained to our CSM(Company Sergeant Major), and that's when we realised how loser he was.
And for that, we two were given 1 extra duty to be done, and it's none other that a regimental guard duty on the 15th of Dec, whereby everyone will be having their block leave, yet we have to come back to Tekong again. And trust me, not that he's someone who deserves respect, for which we should greet him, he's someone who doesn't deserve any at all. His commands sound like crap and he's physically weak even though he has a big body build. Simply stupid to the core.
That's about all the downs for the week, now's the ups.
Last Monday, we had our Standard Obstacle Course(SOC) test, and i'm happy that i managed to clear all the 11 obstacles and did the 1.3km run at 10:31s. Wasn't an impressive timing, but i managed to get a "A" pass, by clearing all obstacles and do it under 11 minutes.
Lastly, before our book out yesterday, our Sir told us the top 3 ranking in our platoon of 48. 1st was none other that our Company Best PT (Best IPPT result) who is from my section, 2nd was a guy from another section in my platoon, 3rd was me. Prior to annoucing the platoon ranking result, one of my Section Commanders told me that i managed to score 87% for my SIT Test, and this probably placed me high up in the ranks. I only managed to secure a Silver for my IPPT, yet my platoon has 7 gold IPPT personnel, so i'm flattered and honoured to be among the top 3.
In 2 days time, it will be my Passing Out Parade(POP), which means i have completed my 13 weeks of training over at Tekong. Thinking back, it seems just like yesterday. Still remembering the day i got shaved 'botak', sleeping with 12 other guys in the same bunk, and now, we are passing out together, friendships and botherhood created.
I've learnt alot during this period of time. Wouldn't want to emo yet again, but i just want to thank all those who were there, good or bad. A big thank you to you.
This girl asked me, why do you want to always think so much, why do you always 'haiz' so much. Of cause, i'm not able to give any valid good reasons, all that i could say to you guys was, "If i'm someone who don't think anymore, don't haiz anymore, will you still believe i'm the one you're talking to?".
I still remembered i used to be quiet back in the school days. All that i did was to observe, listen and be by myself. If you will to ask me, that's probably the period of time i'm happy. But, how can one be happy by himself right? I have no idea too.
Perhaps i should be more self-centered, be more selfish, be less caring, and simply be less emo. Well, unless you're someone who knows me just today, you wouldn't believe i will do all that. Year 2006 is just around the corner, perhaps i should come out with some new year resolutions. Anyone with any good suggestions for me to change?
I'll be having slightly more than a week of rest following my POP on Tuesday, so i guess it's a good time to take a break and do something i like. Probably i'll extend my bike model collection by spending some time looking for a nice model and get it fixed, and it shall be the landmark to indicate the end of my BMT.
Might also call up friends for catch-up sessions, and that's provided they are willing to do so. Also try asking 'someone' out, which is impossible. Get myself a hard disk, download more movies to keep me occupy. If all else fails, gaming and sleep.
Last note, if i can't smile anymore, who will smile back. Simply no one.
So, what should be in this post? The whole of last week was rather.. I should say ups and downs. Let's start with all the down parts.
First and foremost, i started the week with an ear infection on my right ear. Was having slight ache the week before, but i didn't really bother about it, as always. So, on the Tuesday morning, i woke up with one ear deaf. Shocked and scared was probably the easiest words i could think of now to describe my initial feeling.
Something that i could count myself lucky was that, i had my pilot medical review over at the Aeromedical Center to be done that morning, so i took the book out opportunity to consult doctor at the Tampines SingHealth.
Reason being that anyone guy out there who been through army, would definitely nod in silence, that visiting army Medical Center is simply waste of time, especially in Tekong. Cause you will be spending 2-3 hours waiting, less than 10 second of consultation by those impatient Medical Officers (i haven't been to the Medical Center before, but all those who did, can vouch that all the doctor say to you is simply: "Fever? Ok, go outside take your presciption." I doubt it's more than 10 seconds.) , and lastly medications which are nevertheless useless.
For the benefit of those who asked me about how's my pilot vocation going on, and those who had the misunderstanding that i'm already a pilot trainee, i shall do a quick update of my pilot vocation status.
As mentioned above, i was called for a review on my HB. HB is the abbreviation for Hemoglobin. Taken from dictionary: Hemoglobin - The red respiratory protein of red blood cells that transports oxygen as oxyhemoglobin from the lungs to the tissues, where the oxygen is readily released and the oxyhemoglobin becomes hemoglobin.
Don't worry, mine wasn't at the abnormal level, in fact i was told my HB is perfectly fine, but it's just that they have strict critera for pilots, and all that i know, i have to hit 13.5 for HB level. Thus the review was to have a full screen on my blood to find out if i do have any genetic blood disorder, and if necessary, i will have to take supplement to increase my HB level.
So, i'm basically still stuck at the last stage of confirmation, waiting for my medical clearance. Simply so near yet so far.
The most crappy incident happened on last Tuesday too. Another platoon mate and i booked out for our medical review and for convenience sake, we took the short route towards the jetty to be ferry back to mainland. On our way, we saw our SSM(School Sergeant Major) walking towards our direction. Human instinct to just shoo pass "danger", we tried to just looked down, acted as if we were looking at our appointment letters, trying to walked passed him as quickly as possible.
But there was no chance in hell, after just bypassing him, he called for us and reprimanded us for not greeting him. He "knocked" us down 10 push ups on the spot, and we were lashed out for not showing basic courtesy. But just when we thought that's all, after we got back to our company, we realised that he called and complained to our CSM(Company Sergeant Major), and that's when we realised how loser he was.
And for that, we two were given 1 extra duty to be done, and it's none other that a regimental guard duty on the 15th of Dec, whereby everyone will be having their block leave, yet we have to come back to Tekong again. And trust me, not that he's someone who deserves respect, for which we should greet him, he's someone who doesn't deserve any at all. His commands sound like crap and he's physically weak even though he has a big body build. Simply stupid to the core.
That's about all the downs for the week, now's the ups.
Last Monday, we had our Standard Obstacle Course(SOC) test, and i'm happy that i managed to clear all the 11 obstacles and did the 1.3km run at 10:31s. Wasn't an impressive timing, but i managed to get a "A" pass, by clearing all obstacles and do it under 11 minutes.
Lastly, before our book out yesterday, our Sir told us the top 3 ranking in our platoon of 48. 1st was none other that our Company Best PT (Best IPPT result) who is from my section, 2nd was a guy from another section in my platoon, 3rd was me. Prior to annoucing the platoon ranking result, one of my Section Commanders told me that i managed to score 87% for my SIT Test, and this probably placed me high up in the ranks. I only managed to secure a Silver for my IPPT, yet my platoon has 7 gold IPPT personnel, so i'm flattered and honoured to be among the top 3.
In 2 days time, it will be my Passing Out Parade(POP), which means i have completed my 13 weeks of training over at Tekong. Thinking back, it seems just like yesterday. Still remembering the day i got shaved 'botak', sleeping with 12 other guys in the same bunk, and now, we are passing out together, friendships and botherhood created.
I've learnt alot during this period of time. Wouldn't want to emo yet again, but i just want to thank all those who were there, good or bad. A big thank you to you.
This girl asked me, why do you want to always think so much, why do you always 'haiz' so much. Of cause, i'm not able to give any valid good reasons, all that i could say to you guys was, "If i'm someone who don't think anymore, don't haiz anymore, will you still believe i'm the one you're talking to?".
I still remembered i used to be quiet back in the school days. All that i did was to observe, listen and be by myself. If you will to ask me, that's probably the period of time i'm happy. But, how can one be happy by himself right? I have no idea too.
Perhaps i should be more self-centered, be more selfish, be less caring, and simply be less emo. Well, unless you're someone who knows me just today, you wouldn't believe i will do all that. Year 2006 is just around the corner, perhaps i should come out with some new year resolutions. Anyone with any good suggestions for me to change?
I'll be having slightly more than a week of rest following my POP on Tuesday, so i guess it's a good time to take a break and do something i like. Probably i'll extend my bike model collection by spending some time looking for a nice model and get it fixed, and it shall be the landmark to indicate the end of my BMT.
Might also call up friends for catch-up sessions, and that's provided they are willing to do so. Also try asking 'someone' out, which is impossible. Get myself a hard disk, download more movies to keep me occupy. If all else fails, gaming and sleep.
Last note, if i can't smile anymore, who will smile back. Simply no one.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
I'm better off my own
Recalling few weeks back, i asked a friend of mine if she knows what's the difference between happy and sadness. Eventually i was able to come out with around 5-6 points. Can't actually remember all the points i mentioned that time, but there's one particular one i managed to come out with: "Happy comes with much difficulties, stays on for split seconds while sadness come and go easily yet stays with you from days to weeks."
Often i wonder and asked myself, am i that sad and is it that all things are going against me. Seriously i must say, things aren't that bad. At least i'm fit and able, i have a family, a home and is able to enjoy most of the stuff one possibly could think of. So what exactly is my problem? Perhaps instead of always complaining and whining, i'll jot down some issues and you shall be my judge.
"Damn fucker. i wud help u. Fuck. U dun disturb me."
"U go find other pple 2 be ur guanrantor. We wudnt help u. Fuck off"
The above 2 messages are sent to me via sms by my sister. And sister here i meant my own biological, blood-related sister. So what did i do to deserve these 2 "heartwarming" messages? It wasn't a complicated story, so i'll just briefly go through here.
What happened was that my sister wanted to come back for dinner, but end up suggesting to dine out at AMK central instead. I wasn't really into the idea as i felt tired and preferred to have dinner at home. Remember that i mentioned in my previous post that for my pilot vocation i need 2 guarantors for my contract? I approached my sister back then for help. So she threatened that if i decline to go out for dinner, she won't help me with it anymore. After that, she got pissed and decided not to even come back for dinner. And there you go, the above 2 sms was then sent to me.
I'm not trying to make her look stupid or anything by stating all these here. What i typed here may also seem sarcastic and bias due to the fact it's only my point of view. Nonetheless, you be my judge.
Life in army has been getting rather monotonous lately. 2 more weeks left before passing out from BMT, and most of the main highlights had been completed. 3 notable events that happened last week were BAC, peer appraisal and IPPT Diagnostic.
Battle Assault Course(BAC), the course every man has to go through to be consider a real soldier. Well, at least that's what they said. Basically, we have to warcry loud through a 80m course, applying the Basic Close Combat skills by kicking and stabbing using rifle at the dummy enemies, baby-crawl, leopard-crawl and back-crawl on mud. At the end of it, you will be totally drenched in mud and stink like cow-dung. The worst smell you can ever get, and we called it "Tekong-Cologne". Less than 5 minutes for completing the course, more than 50 minutes of cleaning up yourself and the equipments.
Peer appraisal was done last Wednesday whereby we have to rank the rest of the 48 recruits in the platoon in ascending order based on 3 factors: "Friends", "Success" and "Stress". "Friends" meaning those you wish to be friends with, basically meaning those you felt comfortable talking to and such, high chance those who are your bunk mates. "Success" referring to those who you felt can be a successful commander who is able to lead and take responsibilities. "Stress" refers to those who is able to take stress, and work without much difficulties. Something to be happy about was that i received quite a number of high ranking by my platoon mates.
IPPT Diagnostic was done yesterday after it was void on Thursday due to bad weather whereby we managed to complete all the static stations but took too long and wasn't able to start our 2.4km run in time. I managed to book out yesterday evening after obtaining Silver for my IPPT as promised by our OC. Same goes to those who pass the IPPT, they get to book out after we had our dinner.
For the past few days, i'm into serious thinking about whether i should continue to pin my hopes of getting into the pilot vocation. My medical is still undergoing, with reviews to follow up. Till now, i still have no idea what should i do, hoping someone was there to guide me.
I stared at my blogger screen for around 15 minutes before i start typing this post and this post took me 2 hours plus. Pausing and thinking every now and then what to type, but somehow, just somehow, my mind is in a blank even though i know i have alot to say. Nevertheless, i've changed a new song, again the lyrics captivated me and i guess..
I'm better off my own!.
Recalling few weeks back, i asked a friend of mine if she knows what's the difference between happy and sadness. Eventually i was able to come out with around 5-6 points. Can't actually remember all the points i mentioned that time, but there's one particular one i managed to come out with: "Happy comes with much difficulties, stays on for split seconds while sadness come and go easily yet stays with you from days to weeks."
Often i wonder and asked myself, am i that sad and is it that all things are going against me. Seriously i must say, things aren't that bad. At least i'm fit and able, i have a family, a home and is able to enjoy most of the stuff one possibly could think of. So what exactly is my problem? Perhaps instead of always complaining and whining, i'll jot down some issues and you shall be my judge.
"Damn fucker. i wud help u. Fuck. U dun disturb me."
"U go find other pple 2 be ur guanrantor. We wudnt help u. Fuck off"
The above 2 messages are sent to me via sms by my sister. And sister here i meant my own biological, blood-related sister. So what did i do to deserve these 2 "heartwarming" messages? It wasn't a complicated story, so i'll just briefly go through here.
What happened was that my sister wanted to come back for dinner, but end up suggesting to dine out at AMK central instead. I wasn't really into the idea as i felt tired and preferred to have dinner at home. Remember that i mentioned in my previous post that for my pilot vocation i need 2 guarantors for my contract? I approached my sister back then for help. So she threatened that if i decline to go out for dinner, she won't help me with it anymore. After that, she got pissed and decided not to even come back for dinner. And there you go, the above 2 sms was then sent to me.
I'm not trying to make her look stupid or anything by stating all these here. What i typed here may also seem sarcastic and bias due to the fact it's only my point of view. Nonetheless, you be my judge.
Life in army has been getting rather monotonous lately. 2 more weeks left before passing out from BMT, and most of the main highlights had been completed. 3 notable events that happened last week were BAC, peer appraisal and IPPT Diagnostic.
Battle Assault Course(BAC), the course every man has to go through to be consider a real soldier. Well, at least that's what they said. Basically, we have to warcry loud through a 80m course, applying the Basic Close Combat skills by kicking and stabbing using rifle at the dummy enemies, baby-crawl, leopard-crawl and back-crawl on mud. At the end of it, you will be totally drenched in mud and stink like cow-dung. The worst smell you can ever get, and we called it "Tekong-Cologne". Less than 5 minutes for completing the course, more than 50 minutes of cleaning up yourself and the equipments.
Peer appraisal was done last Wednesday whereby we have to rank the rest of the 48 recruits in the platoon in ascending order based on 3 factors: "Friends", "Success" and "Stress". "Friends" meaning those you wish to be friends with, basically meaning those you felt comfortable talking to and such, high chance those who are your bunk mates. "Success" referring to those who you felt can be a successful commander who is able to lead and take responsibilities. "Stress" refers to those who is able to take stress, and work without much difficulties. Something to be happy about was that i received quite a number of high ranking by my platoon mates.
IPPT Diagnostic was done yesterday after it was void on Thursday due to bad weather whereby we managed to complete all the static stations but took too long and wasn't able to start our 2.4km run in time. I managed to book out yesterday evening after obtaining Silver for my IPPT as promised by our OC. Same goes to those who pass the IPPT, they get to book out after we had our dinner.
For the past few days, i'm into serious thinking about whether i should continue to pin my hopes of getting into the pilot vocation. My medical is still undergoing, with reviews to follow up. Till now, i still have no idea what should i do, hoping someone was there to guide me.
I stared at my blogger screen for around 15 minutes before i start typing this post and this post took me 2 hours plus. Pausing and thinking every now and then what to type, but somehow, just somehow, my mind is in a blank even though i know i have alot to say. Nevertheless, i've changed a new song, again the lyrics captivated me and i guess..
I'm better off my own!.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Last 3 weeks
Today marks the last 3 weeks of my time over at Tekong. Most of the crucial events have been done. Last 2 events left now; IPPT and SOC. Probably SOC isn't the main issue of concern due to the low 5% passing rate, based on history.
Short weekend break for me this week due to my SIT Test, which ended on Sat, and only managed to book out at 730pm. Not a bad thing afterall, at least i don't have to vex about what to do over the weekends. Too much time for me now, isn't a good thing. All my stupid emo will start coming out again.
Just on the day of my SIT Test, i was appointed platoon IC. Something i wasn't expecting to, yet it's something one have be at least once, to have a feel of how it's like to be a leader, whereby you have to control your men. On the downside of it, you are responsible for the whole platoon and you get tonnes of extra work. Just imagine booking out without bathing when most of the platoon did.
During my SIT test, the accessor for my detail who is an Officer, after knowing that i'm waiting for my pending medical test for the pilot vocation, asked me the same killer question again. Why do i want to be a pilot? Before i could even try to come out with a better answer for him, he told me he was one of the dropout pilot trainee 10 years ago.
And that he told me he wasn't allow to downgrade his vocation to something else, so he's stuck with his rank for the 12 years contract, yet wasn't able to enjoy the $3,000+ flying allowance unlike those certified pilots. Pass out rate given by him: 30 over 3000 trainees. I'm sure you guys can work out the percentage relatively easily.
Again, so much to write, yet nothing to type. During our 12km route march last thursday, my platoon started singing songs after we got sick of those army songs. Probably that's how we managed to complete the tiring march and be able to still laugh at our own editing of the songs we sang.
One that captures me most is the one you're listening to now. This song is a cover by the group New Found Glory, originally by The Wonders. Meaningful lyrics yet again, even though it considered to be a rather old song.
Enjoy the song, though it's abit noisy for most i believe. That's all i have for this post.
I don't care anymore, because i care way too much.
Today marks the last 3 weeks of my time over at Tekong. Most of the crucial events have been done. Last 2 events left now; IPPT and SOC. Probably SOC isn't the main issue of concern due to the low 5% passing rate, based on history.
Short weekend break for me this week due to my SIT Test, which ended on Sat, and only managed to book out at 730pm. Not a bad thing afterall, at least i don't have to vex about what to do over the weekends. Too much time for me now, isn't a good thing. All my stupid emo will start coming out again.
Just on the day of my SIT Test, i was appointed platoon IC. Something i wasn't expecting to, yet it's something one have be at least once, to have a feel of how it's like to be a leader, whereby you have to control your men. On the downside of it, you are responsible for the whole platoon and you get tonnes of extra work. Just imagine booking out without bathing when most of the platoon did.
During my SIT test, the accessor for my detail who is an Officer, after knowing that i'm waiting for my pending medical test for the pilot vocation, asked me the same killer question again. Why do i want to be a pilot? Before i could even try to come out with a better answer for him, he told me he was one of the dropout pilot trainee 10 years ago.
And that he told me he wasn't allow to downgrade his vocation to something else, so he's stuck with his rank for the 12 years contract, yet wasn't able to enjoy the $3,000+ flying allowance unlike those certified pilots. Pass out rate given by him: 30 over 3000 trainees. I'm sure you guys can work out the percentage relatively easily.
Again, so much to write, yet nothing to type. During our 12km route march last thursday, my platoon started singing songs after we got sick of those army songs. Probably that's how we managed to complete the tiring march and be able to still laugh at our own editing of the songs we sang.
One that captures me most is the one you're listening to now. This song is a cover by the group New Found Glory, originally by The Wonders. Meaningful lyrics yet again, even though it considered to be a rather old song.
Enjoy the song, though it's abit noisy for most i believe. That's all i have for this post.
I don't care anymore, because i care way too much.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I'm holding on..
Been quite some time since i last posted something purely on my thoughts. Seriously, i'm flattered to hear from my friends, those who visited my blog, telling me that they do come back again and read my old posts again, thinking through the thoughts or some words of wisdom made by me.
My blog of cause ain't something like those SPG's blog, whereby i get high hit rates daily or nor do my blog has posts which will engaged to mass audience. Of cause, i do get comments that some of my posts are just plain bullshit or that i'm beating around the bush and hinting something else.
Nonetheless, i guess to me, my blog is just a medium for me to write what's in my mind, with or without the intention to insult one, having or not mentioned names of those involved in my life, and of cause, wherever possible, to share some thoughts and most of the time promote pessimism?
To a certain extend, i think i've reached the crossroad of my life. Crossroad, i meant a point of uncertainties. Living comfortably for the past 10 years of so, whereby education in Singapore is pretty much fixed and designated for us, one hardly has to worry what lies ahead.
Just when i'm serving the nation now, i felt a slight change. The path ahead of me ain't that clear and well-drawn now. Perhaps it's the military life that makes me feeling this, but one way or another, it's more about the fact that when you are given wide selection of choices but in a limited context, that's when you feel lost and helpless.
Wide selection of choices but in a limited context? What do i mean here? Put it in layman's term, it's like having a choice of fruits in a basket. You get to choose quite a substantial number of fruits, but you're limited to only the basket. Still don't get what i meant? Put it even simpler, pick one apple or orange or durian or papaya or mango from a basket.
Sounds pretty good for that you have at least 5 fruits to choose from ain't it? But think again, whatever is inside the basket might not be the best you can ever choose from and worst case scenario, you hate all the 5 fruits presented to you.
Probably in life, we are pretty much always in this situation. Just have to pick the best out of the worst. Perhaps that's how the sayings of "survival of the fittest" and "best man win" came from.
For my case, i'm at the crossroad whereby i'm stuck between choosing to take up the pilot vocation, go through 26 months of uncertainties and put on hold for my university or to just go through my National Service as regular man and continue my degree 2 years later.
I guess for most, one would have easily pick the first choice and just go for it. Then again, i'll be questioned on what do i really wish to achieve in life. If there's something else i hope to attain, probably i should stick to the tradition route and take option 2.
Got to put this aside for now, since there's nothing much i can do yet, i'll just play watch and catch. Whatever i get at the end my BMT period, i'll just have to gladly accept it and see how it goes from there.
Moments ago i had a chat with a close buddy of mine back in the secondary days. After hearing from him and updating me his life and what he's going through now, i feel glad that i'm not alone and that i do have friends which is something i always claim not to have. I updated him my life and we had a short chat about our future.
Something nice to be able catch up with those who spend a period of time with you. Sharing and going through the tough times together. Especially at this period of time, whereby most of us are busy and occupied with their own stuff.
Few days back, another friend of mine was asking me if i'm in the emotional state yet again. "Again" is the word used here. All that i can say is that my life is pretty much like a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs at unexpected turns, twisting and turning at all directions.
Something i always mentioned it to my friend, and that's how i wish i could fast-forward my life to when i'm like 70 years old? That's when i can just lie back on my rocking chair, reflecting what i've achieved and done for others. With no worries in mind, just reminiscing my past, giving myself a pat and say, "Well done."
Yet sometimes i'll blame God, even though i'm a free-thinker, blame my luck, which is something i never had, blame fate, something that has be cruel to me, and even blame myself, simply for the life i'm given to.
I just can't understand the fact that why i'm being presented things which will leave me someday. I would have prefer not to have them at all, not even for a slightly moment. Call it heaven's will, call it fated, call it destinated, call it whatever it is, cause it has happened to me more than once and i'm getting sick of it.
Everytime and whenever i wish to write my thoughts down, they just seems to run away from me as i start typing. Yet there's some much i hope to say, so much that i just wish to scream out loud. I just wish the one will take me away from this place, to somewhere i belong. Somewhere i will be truly happy. As for where and how it's going to be like for me to be happy, just watch the space after this post.
I've changed a new song. Hold on by Good Charlotte, mainly for the lyrics which best describes my mood and a good motivation to stay positive. The most unpleasant thing about this post is that it's not the original one which i spent 2 hours typing and lost it due to publishing error. Just when you're screwed up, things just don't go your way too.
I wish..
Been quite some time since i last posted something purely on my thoughts. Seriously, i'm flattered to hear from my friends, those who visited my blog, telling me that they do come back again and read my old posts again, thinking through the thoughts or some words of wisdom made by me.
My blog of cause ain't something like those SPG's blog, whereby i get high hit rates daily or nor do my blog has posts which will engaged to mass audience. Of cause, i do get comments that some of my posts are just plain bullshit or that i'm beating around the bush and hinting something else.
Nonetheless, i guess to me, my blog is just a medium for me to write what's in my mind, with or without the intention to insult one, having or not mentioned names of those involved in my life, and of cause, wherever possible, to share some thoughts and most of the time promote pessimism?
To a certain extend, i think i've reached the crossroad of my life. Crossroad, i meant a point of uncertainties. Living comfortably for the past 10 years of so, whereby education in Singapore is pretty much fixed and designated for us, one hardly has to worry what lies ahead.
Just when i'm serving the nation now, i felt a slight change. The path ahead of me ain't that clear and well-drawn now. Perhaps it's the military life that makes me feeling this, but one way or another, it's more about the fact that when you are given wide selection of choices but in a limited context, that's when you feel lost and helpless.
Wide selection of choices but in a limited context? What do i mean here? Put it in layman's term, it's like having a choice of fruits in a basket. You get to choose quite a substantial number of fruits, but you're limited to only the basket. Still don't get what i meant? Put it even simpler, pick one apple or orange or durian or papaya or mango from a basket.
Sounds pretty good for that you have at least 5 fruits to choose from ain't it? But think again, whatever is inside the basket might not be the best you can ever choose from and worst case scenario, you hate all the 5 fruits presented to you.
Probably in life, we are pretty much always in this situation. Just have to pick the best out of the worst. Perhaps that's how the sayings of "survival of the fittest" and "best man win" came from.
For my case, i'm at the crossroad whereby i'm stuck between choosing to take up the pilot vocation, go through 26 months of uncertainties and put on hold for my university or to just go through my National Service as regular man and continue my degree 2 years later.
I guess for most, one would have easily pick the first choice and just go for it. Then again, i'll be questioned on what do i really wish to achieve in life. If there's something else i hope to attain, probably i should stick to the tradition route and take option 2.
Got to put this aside for now, since there's nothing much i can do yet, i'll just play watch and catch. Whatever i get at the end my BMT period, i'll just have to gladly accept it and see how it goes from there.
Moments ago i had a chat with a close buddy of mine back in the secondary days. After hearing from him and updating me his life and what he's going through now, i feel glad that i'm not alone and that i do have friends which is something i always claim not to have. I updated him my life and we had a short chat about our future.
Something nice to be able catch up with those who spend a period of time with you. Sharing and going through the tough times together. Especially at this period of time, whereby most of us are busy and occupied with their own stuff.
Few days back, another friend of mine was asking me if i'm in the emotional state yet again. "Again" is the word used here. All that i can say is that my life is pretty much like a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs at unexpected turns, twisting and turning at all directions.
Something i always mentioned it to my friend, and that's how i wish i could fast-forward my life to when i'm like 70 years old? That's when i can just lie back on my rocking chair, reflecting what i've achieved and done for others. With no worries in mind, just reminiscing my past, giving myself a pat and say, "Well done."
Yet sometimes i'll blame God, even though i'm a free-thinker, blame my luck, which is something i never had, blame fate, something that has be cruel to me, and even blame myself, simply for the life i'm given to.
I just can't understand the fact that why i'm being presented things which will leave me someday. I would have prefer not to have them at all, not even for a slightly moment. Call it heaven's will, call it fated, call it destinated, call it whatever it is, cause it has happened to me more than once and i'm getting sick of it.
Everytime and whenever i wish to write my thoughts down, they just seems to run away from me as i start typing. Yet there's some much i hope to say, so much that i just wish to scream out loud. I just wish the one will take me away from this place, to somewhere i belong. Somewhere i will be truly happy. As for where and how it's going to be like for me to be happy, just watch the space after this post.
I've changed a new song. Hold on by Good Charlotte, mainly for the lyrics which best describes my mood and a good motivation to stay positive. The most unpleasant thing about this post is that it's not the original one which i spent 2 hours typing and lost it due to publishing error. Just when you're screwed up, things just don't go your way too.
I wish..
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The world is black
Got a new look for my blog, and it's none other than the colors of my life; Black and white. Not gonna talk or elaborate much about it, just gonna take what's been given to me. Tough time don't last, tough man do.
Alright, let's talk about what happened for the whole of last week.
Today marks the end of a 3 days break after a long 7 days outfield which ended last Sunday. Out of the 7 long solid days, i think it rained for 6 days or maybe everyday? I can't even remember there's any period of time where the rain wasn't around, dripping on our soiled bodies.
The time spent out on the field wasn't that bad, just that you get to see the true colors of those around you. Called it human's nature or whatsoever, one tends to reach for help yet refuses to lend a hand.
Like what my Platoon Commander(PC) 2LT Tay said, it only takes a black sheep to sabotage the whole platoon. But most of the time, i would say it's more than a sheep, probably it's the lazy mindset of many that causes everyone to be punished.
The punishments we got during the 7 days wasn't really that bad, considering we only had a turnout. A turnout is when in the middle of our sleep, we are awaken by the thunderflash thrown by the commanders, and all that we have to do, is to pack up, make sure we don't lose any equipment, get geared up and move off as soon as possible.
The turnout we experienced was the last day of our field camp. Was told the previous night, our reveille time was at 0700hrs. The best timing one can ever get in SAF, prior to the fact that, the standard timing is always around 0515 to 0545hrs.
Thinking that we were given longer rest before we have to do our Battle Inoculation Course(BIC) in the morning, all of us wasn't prepared for the turnout which we haven't had before. Without much doubt, we screwed up the timing given for us to get everything sorted, geared up and gather together, thus we simply got the stick from them.
It was around 0530hrs or so when the turnout occurred, everyone was in dazed and one of my section mate even told us later on that he thought there was a real war. The loud thunderflashes and the shouting by the commanders did in fact shocked many. We did our punishments in Full Battle Order(FBO), while some of us are still trying to figure out what exactly happened.
This is probably the most "exciting" part of our 7 days field camp. Throughout the 7 days, some of us "lost" (during our sleep, the commanders will prowl around our tents and take away those rifles which are not clinged onto, we have to iterally hugged our rifles to sleep.) our M16 rifles over the night, some caught with possession of contrabands. Contrabands refering to wet tissues, mosquito coils or extra food.
As a result, some of them will be serving guard duties or confinements in due time. Thank god i wasn't one of those in the name list. Especially those caught with possession of wet tissues towards the second last day of the camp, i think they are rather silly. Cause we are told to surrender them on our first day of the outfield.
Probably they thought they could just hide and run off with it, but never did one expect that we are told to empty our fieldpack on the second last evening. Called it unlucky or what, probably that's how they instill discipline in us.
The 2 main highlights of the 7 day outfield are the trench digging and the BIC i mentioned earlier. For those who gone throught BMT before, they will have their fair share of digging and crawling to share.
On the 6th day of the camp, we all have to dig a 2m by 1m hole and it has to be around slightly less than a metre. Sounds and look easy, but trust me, even though i dug the fastest in my platoon, i took close to 3 hours.
And the reward? Blisters all around your fingers, you also get to lie in it, no back down, but body down in prone position and of cause not forgetting you are allowed to take some photos of it as souvenirs.
After the 3 long hours digging, the last and most tough one is to dig a 3m by 1m hole and i has to be chest level deep, taking the height of the tallest guy in the section. Sorry guys, i'm the tallest, so we dug around 1.5m deep. The relief side of this, is that the whole section present at that moment, 11 of us share the work.
Again, this took around 3hrs plus and that concludes the end of all the diggings. Starting work at around 0800hrs, we end the day around 1800hrs. Everyone was worn out, including me. But something i felt and saw that day was that, everyone was too self-centred. Everyone was for himself, only a handful was there helping out the rest when they are done with their own trench.
Not to mention the section fire trench, only some are putting in extra effort. Not sure how they felt or think, but i always had this thought whenever i wanted to slack, "I'm tired, i want to rest. But is it only me who's tired?".
On the last day, we went through the BIC. It's a course whereby one has to leopard and back crawl for about 80m, throught a series of barbwire. Live rounds are shot over our heads thus we have to keep low at all times, but when it's our turn, there wasn't any rounds fired.
Probably they ran out of ammunitions, since we are the last company to do the course. SAF is forever that screwed up in terms of planning, and trust me, many will agree on this point.
Overall, this outfield i would rate it as a good experience. After all, sleeping in the rain, having mud and soil all over you, eating those disgusting combat rations, getting punishments in FBO, isn't something one get to experience outside SAF.
On our last night, our company newly attached PC 2LT Wayne told us something which i felt quite true and it's something we should keep close to our hearts whenever we are going through hell.
He said, "How often or how many get to experience life with a group of guys, together for 3 months, sleeping together, eat together, sweat together, laugh together?". And mind you, it's a group of 49 for my platoon.
As always, there will be jokers out there, and they replied, "Have! All Singapore guys will have the chance to experience it. Made in Singapore!". Cause we are forced to do so? Haha, i'll leave that to individual interpretation.
Alright, before i pack up and start preparing to book in yet again, i'll do a quick update for my pilot selection. So far my status is that i've made it to the last stage of the selection.
First stage of the computerized test is cleared. Second stage of board selection interview is done too. Last stage of medical test is still pending. I've just told my medical on Monday, the moment i stepped onto the mainland over at Changi Ferry Terminal after my bookout, i was pulled out for the medical and headed straight to Eunos, Aeromedical Center, how unlucky can one get.
The medical probably is gonna take some take for them to access, considering they took 2 tubes of blood from us and i won't be surprise they are doing tonnes of tests with it.
So what's going to happen next is that after my medical is cleared, the 2 criterias i need to achieve would be IPPT Silver and Top 10% performance for my BMT cohort. I'll then be signing a 12 years contract as pilot, and 2 years of my National Service is included in the term.
As a result, i need 2 sureties(guarantors) for my contract. If i breech the contract at any point of time, meaning if i'm suspected of failing my training on purpose, or that i wanted to leave, i have to pay $500,000. What a sum to pay off. And this has to be done before i head off to Australia for my course. I haven't got the 2 sureties required, and they have to be 21 years old and earning an income of $800.
My University education will have to be put on hold too. They only allow Cat B status pilot to further their studies. According to them, Cat B refers to the flying hours clocked and it will usually take 2-3 years after being certified as operation ready pilot, to achieve that status. In short, i'll be like 26-27 then i'll get to go Uni.
Training during the first 2 years is tough too. Any point of time, you can just be cut off if you don't make the mark. 26 months is the minimum time one needs to spend and endure through, to finally have the gold wings on your chest.
The plus point is of cause the prestige and pay they offered. As a pilot, you're a commissioned Officer and trainee pay is at $1,998. As you go along, the pay is likely to double, tripled and quadrupled.
Even though it may sounds like a bright future, but as a trainee, it's not that bright. It's more like you're place on wire rope, having to make sure you stay on it at all times.
For now, i'll just be on the ball, taking what's been given to me. Keeping a positive mind and remain cheerful.
Lastly, just wanna say, no matter what i have done, i did them with my heart and soul. I placed my pride on the line and i'll never succumb to loneliess. So, either you are with me, or if not, so long and good night.
"Learn to let go when you know you will be losing it someday."
Got a new look for my blog, and it's none other than the colors of my life; Black and white. Not gonna talk or elaborate much about it, just gonna take what's been given to me. Tough time don't last, tough man do.
Alright, let's talk about what happened for the whole of last week.
Today marks the end of a 3 days break after a long 7 days outfield which ended last Sunday. Out of the 7 long solid days, i think it rained for 6 days or maybe everyday? I can't even remember there's any period of time where the rain wasn't around, dripping on our soiled bodies.
The time spent out on the field wasn't that bad, just that you get to see the true colors of those around you. Called it human's nature or whatsoever, one tends to reach for help yet refuses to lend a hand.
Like what my Platoon Commander(PC) 2LT Tay said, it only takes a black sheep to sabotage the whole platoon. But most of the time, i would say it's more than a sheep, probably it's the lazy mindset of many that causes everyone to be punished.
The punishments we got during the 7 days wasn't really that bad, considering we only had a turnout. A turnout is when in the middle of our sleep, we are awaken by the thunderflash thrown by the commanders, and all that we have to do, is to pack up, make sure we don't lose any equipment, get geared up and move off as soon as possible.
The turnout we experienced was the last day of our field camp. Was told the previous night, our reveille time was at 0700hrs. The best timing one can ever get in SAF, prior to the fact that, the standard timing is always around 0515 to 0545hrs.
Thinking that we were given longer rest before we have to do our Battle Inoculation Course(BIC) in the morning, all of us wasn't prepared for the turnout which we haven't had before. Without much doubt, we screwed up the timing given for us to get everything sorted, geared up and gather together, thus we simply got the stick from them.
It was around 0530hrs or so when the turnout occurred, everyone was in dazed and one of my section mate even told us later on that he thought there was a real war. The loud thunderflashes and the shouting by the commanders did in fact shocked many. We did our punishments in Full Battle Order(FBO), while some of us are still trying to figure out what exactly happened.
This is probably the most "exciting" part of our 7 days field camp. Throughout the 7 days, some of us "lost" (during our sleep, the commanders will prowl around our tents and take away those rifles which are not clinged onto, we have to iterally hugged our rifles to sleep.) our M16 rifles over the night, some caught with possession of contrabands. Contrabands refering to wet tissues, mosquito coils or extra food.
As a result, some of them will be serving guard duties or confinements in due time. Thank god i wasn't one of those in the name list. Especially those caught with possession of wet tissues towards the second last day of the camp, i think they are rather silly. Cause we are told to surrender them on our first day of the outfield.
Probably they thought they could just hide and run off with it, but never did one expect that we are told to empty our fieldpack on the second last evening. Called it unlucky or what, probably that's how they instill discipline in us.
The 2 main highlights of the 7 day outfield are the trench digging and the BIC i mentioned earlier. For those who gone throught BMT before, they will have their fair share of digging and crawling to share.
On the 6th day of the camp, we all have to dig a 2m by 1m hole and it has to be around slightly less than a metre. Sounds and look easy, but trust me, even though i dug the fastest in my platoon, i took close to 3 hours.
And the reward? Blisters all around your fingers, you also get to lie in it, no back down, but body down in prone position and of cause not forgetting you are allowed to take some photos of it as souvenirs.
After the 3 long hours digging, the last and most tough one is to dig a 3m by 1m hole and i has to be chest level deep, taking the height of the tallest guy in the section. Sorry guys, i'm the tallest, so we dug around 1.5m deep. The relief side of this, is that the whole section present at that moment, 11 of us share the work.
Again, this took around 3hrs plus and that concludes the end of all the diggings. Starting work at around 0800hrs, we end the day around 1800hrs. Everyone was worn out, including me. But something i felt and saw that day was that, everyone was too self-centred. Everyone was for himself, only a handful was there helping out the rest when they are done with their own trench.
Not to mention the section fire trench, only some are putting in extra effort. Not sure how they felt or think, but i always had this thought whenever i wanted to slack, "I'm tired, i want to rest. But is it only me who's tired?".
On the last day, we went through the BIC. It's a course whereby one has to leopard and back crawl for about 80m, throught a series of barbwire. Live rounds are shot over our heads thus we have to keep low at all times, but when it's our turn, there wasn't any rounds fired.
Probably they ran out of ammunitions, since we are the last company to do the course. SAF is forever that screwed up in terms of planning, and trust me, many will agree on this point.
Overall, this outfield i would rate it as a good experience. After all, sleeping in the rain, having mud and soil all over you, eating those disgusting combat rations, getting punishments in FBO, isn't something one get to experience outside SAF.
On our last night, our company newly attached PC 2LT Wayne told us something which i felt quite true and it's something we should keep close to our hearts whenever we are going through hell.
He said, "How often or how many get to experience life with a group of guys, together for 3 months, sleeping together, eat together, sweat together, laugh together?". And mind you, it's a group of 49 for my platoon.
As always, there will be jokers out there, and they replied, "Have! All Singapore guys will have the chance to experience it. Made in Singapore!". Cause we are forced to do so? Haha, i'll leave that to individual interpretation.
Alright, before i pack up and start preparing to book in yet again, i'll do a quick update for my pilot selection. So far my status is that i've made it to the last stage of the selection.
First stage of the computerized test is cleared. Second stage of board selection interview is done too. Last stage of medical test is still pending. I've just told my medical on Monday, the moment i stepped onto the mainland over at Changi Ferry Terminal after my bookout, i was pulled out for the medical and headed straight to Eunos, Aeromedical Center, how unlucky can one get.
The medical probably is gonna take some take for them to access, considering they took 2 tubes of blood from us and i won't be surprise they are doing tonnes of tests with it.
So what's going to happen next is that after my medical is cleared, the 2 criterias i need to achieve would be IPPT Silver and Top 10% performance for my BMT cohort. I'll then be signing a 12 years contract as pilot, and 2 years of my National Service is included in the term.
As a result, i need 2 sureties(guarantors) for my contract. If i breech the contract at any point of time, meaning if i'm suspected of failing my training on purpose, or that i wanted to leave, i have to pay $500,000. What a sum to pay off. And this has to be done before i head off to Australia for my course. I haven't got the 2 sureties required, and they have to be 21 years old and earning an income of $800.
My University education will have to be put on hold too. They only allow Cat B status pilot to further their studies. According to them, Cat B refers to the flying hours clocked and it will usually take 2-3 years after being certified as operation ready pilot, to achieve that status. In short, i'll be like 26-27 then i'll get to go Uni.
Training during the first 2 years is tough too. Any point of time, you can just be cut off if you don't make the mark. 26 months is the minimum time one needs to spend and endure through, to finally have the gold wings on your chest.
The plus point is of cause the prestige and pay they offered. As a pilot, you're a commissioned Officer and trainee pay is at $1,998. As you go along, the pay is likely to double, tripled and quadrupled.
Even though it may sounds like a bright future, but as a trainee, it's not that bright. It's more like you're place on wire rope, having to make sure you stay on it at all times.
For now, i'll just be on the ball, taking what's been given to me. Keeping a positive mind and remain cheerful.
Lastly, just wanna say, no matter what i have done, i did them with my heart and soul. I placed my pride on the line and i'll never succumb to loneliess. So, either you are with me, or if not, so long and good night.
"Learn to let go when you know you will be losing it someday."
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Doormat
About a year ago, the word "Doormat" came to me as something new and meaningful. Probably the first thing that come to one's mind is of cos iterally the doormat that's placed near a door. But here, i don't meant just like that. It has something else more interesting to look into it.
Let's talk about the purpose of a doormat. I suppose it's used for decoration, something that's used to step on and a medium for one to wipe their moist sole. Look deeper into it, and it's not difficult to understand that if you're labelled or considered as a doormat, probably it just mean that you're someone who's not to be considered as human for a start.
You will just probably be one who has few friends, always being make used of, always alone and left in the cold, always yearning for attention. Stupid as it sounds, whenever someone stepped onto you, you felt good. You would want to bring out the best of yourself, hoping that particular person will take a second look at the mat he/she is stepping on.
You would felt happy at that particular moment, cos you felt warmth and not alone. In spite of these happening only for split seconds, you felt like it's for years. Before you know, the person has left, after cleaning or drying their soles on you. You feel used, you feel cold, you feel like dying.
What's left behind are just vague traces of those who had stepped upon you, with dirt and dust all accumulated on you, and slowly you start to wear and tear. Who's there to save you from all these misery? Probably no one..
You pray hard for a day that your owner will come and put you through a spinning machine, called the washing machine, cleaning and drying you up. When it's done, you are thrown back to the same spot you stood for years. As much as you wish you're no longer back near the same old dull door, you will hope you're not replaced by a new doormat and thrown into a cold dungeon, called the storeroom.
You start questioning yourself, whether being a doormat is something noble or something considered the lowest form of life. You question the purpose of life, and you never ever felt appreciated. You hope to contribute more to the world, trying hard to be nice by doing your job well, but at the end of the day, you know you are just simply a doormat.
You try to cheer yourself up and stood by your job with full devotion. You try to convince yourself, what you have done may be just a small act for others, it meant alot to you. You hope for a perfect day whereby you finally got a break from all these.
As i looked at my grey doormat which has stood there for years, while i'm typing this, i could see the sad look staring straight into my eyes. You can't help wonder how it felt over the years, but yet one can only imagine and will never truly understand it.
The taste of being doormat is something which could easily brings one down, down deep into depression. On days you felt real down, you could only feel your bleeding heart, and see your own lonely shadow. For so much you have done, you just simply wish to give up, everytime and everyday... cos you are just trying too hard, trying to be someone...
About a year ago, the word "Doormat" came to me as something new and meaningful. Probably the first thing that come to one's mind is of cos iterally the doormat that's placed near a door. But here, i don't meant just like that. It has something else more interesting to look into it.
Let's talk about the purpose of a doormat. I suppose it's used for decoration, something that's used to step on and a medium for one to wipe their moist sole. Look deeper into it, and it's not difficult to understand that if you're labelled or considered as a doormat, probably it just mean that you're someone who's not to be considered as human for a start.
You will just probably be one who has few friends, always being make used of, always alone and left in the cold, always yearning for attention. Stupid as it sounds, whenever someone stepped onto you, you felt good. You would want to bring out the best of yourself, hoping that particular person will take a second look at the mat he/she is stepping on.
You would felt happy at that particular moment, cos you felt warmth and not alone. In spite of these happening only for split seconds, you felt like it's for years. Before you know, the person has left, after cleaning or drying their soles on you. You feel used, you feel cold, you feel like dying.
What's left behind are just vague traces of those who had stepped upon you, with dirt and dust all accumulated on you, and slowly you start to wear and tear. Who's there to save you from all these misery? Probably no one..
You pray hard for a day that your owner will come and put you through a spinning machine, called the washing machine, cleaning and drying you up. When it's done, you are thrown back to the same spot you stood for years. As much as you wish you're no longer back near the same old dull door, you will hope you're not replaced by a new doormat and thrown into a cold dungeon, called the storeroom.
You start questioning yourself, whether being a doormat is something noble or something considered the lowest form of life. You question the purpose of life, and you never ever felt appreciated. You hope to contribute more to the world, trying hard to be nice by doing your job well, but at the end of the day, you know you are just simply a doormat.
You try to cheer yourself up and stood by your job with full devotion. You try to convince yourself, what you have done may be just a small act for others, it meant alot to you. You hope for a perfect day whereby you finally got a break from all these.
As i looked at my grey doormat which has stood there for years, while i'm typing this, i could see the sad look staring straight into my eyes. You can't help wonder how it felt over the years, but yet one can only imagine and will never truly understand it.
The taste of being doormat is something which could easily brings one down, down deep into depression. On days you felt real down, you could only feel your bleeding heart, and see your own lonely shadow. For so much you have done, you just simply wish to give up, everytime and everyday... cos you are just trying too hard, trying to be someone...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Simply me
Just before i book in yet again, i decided to post another post. Last night, i was out with my poly friends, searching for a birthday present for another friend. Had a chat and things that happened in the past started pouring back to me. All the stupid silly sad stuff i meant. Not going to mention them here again. And just moments ago, i encountered something and somehow it only makes me feel that, perhaps one's life is pretty much predestinated.
Did a test today, sorta like a personality test called Colorgenics, and it's pretty accurate. Basically saying that i'm a pessimist and that i should get over with things. I guess for now, i better move on. How i wish i'm not me.
Changed to a new song by Green Day, titled: When Me Up When September Ends. When i wake up, i know things will still be the same. Simply me.
Just before i book in yet again, i decided to post another post. Last night, i was out with my poly friends, searching for a birthday present for another friend. Had a chat and things that happened in the past started pouring back to me. All the stupid silly sad stuff i meant. Not going to mention them here again. And just moments ago, i encountered something and somehow it only makes me feel that, perhaps one's life is pretty much predestinated.
Did a test today, sorta like a personality test called Colorgenics, and it's pretty accurate. Basically saying that i'm a pessimist and that i should get over with things. I guess for now, i better move on. How i wish i'm not me.
Changed to a new song by Green Day, titled: When Me Up When September Ends. When i wake up, i know things will still be the same. Simply me.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
End of PTP, Start of BMT
Just got back home for my 3rd book out since the start of my army life. And sad to say, from this week onwards, all my book out will be on Saturdays. This weeks is the start of BMT phase for me. 4 weeks of PTP has ended, and the direct enhanced BMT batch of new recruits got enlisted yesterday.
Yesterday as the new recruits started coming in with their families or relatives, my mind was brought back to a month ago. That's when i "checked in" to "Resort Tekong". How time flies. It has been a month since i start my military life, and come to think again, i think i'm glad i got in as PTP batch (those who failed or didn't obtain Silver in Napfa), as this period of time acts as a good adjustment period and of cause, we do enjoy a better spread of training schedule as compared to those direct enhanced BMT batch.
Staying away from home isn't really the issue, instead the people you faced, the instructions/orders given by our commanders can sometime pissed and stressed you off. I just saw my friend Jason's blog and i think everyone who gone through army will have the same sentiments. As in, you will see all sorts of people, and of cause, it shouldn't come as a surprise, for the fact that everyone is different and unique by nature.
As for me myself, i'm keeping myself low profile. Just do what i'm instructed to do, put in my best effort when it comes to physical trainings and it's just for a simple fact that, at the end of the day, i'm just cheating myself if i didn't put in effort. And of cos with that, i hope to obtain at least an IPPT Silver for when i passed out from BMT and therefore increase my chances of going to Officer Cadet School (OCS).
Speaking about OCS, i've received my Computerized Pilot Selection System Test (CPSS) results and i'm proud and happy that i've managed to pass it. 2 more stages to go: Pilot Selection Interview and Pilot Medical Examination. They haven't fixed my interview date yet, cos i'm required to reply back a letter back to them to confirm my indication to join RSAF. In short, i've to sign on for them and only if i'm interested, they will then probably schedule the rest of assessments for me.
I saw the road map for pilot training stages and i must say, it's really tough to be a pilot. Performance will be monitored and graded at every stage before one advance to the next. At any point of time, you can be kicked out of the training if you fail to meet the requirements at any stage, and this include de-wing even at the last stage of Advanced Flying Phase.
========================================
Training Stage ------------------------- Duration
========================================
Airgrading Course
in Tamworth, Australia ------------------ 2 months
Officer Cadet Training,
Tri Service Team ------------------------ 1 month
Air Force Service Team ------------------ 2 months
Basic Flying Phase as Flying Training
School in Pearce, Australia ------------- 10 months
Advanced Flying Phase
- Fighter Aircraft, France
- Transport Aircraft, Singapore --------- 11 months
- Helicopters, Singapore
========================================
Wings ----------------------------------- Approx 26 months
========================================
Nonetheless, i've decided to go for it. Nothing in this world comes without trying or without paying something in return for it. I suppose you can call it no pain no gain.
My friend Crystal was saying that if i chose this route, probably i won't have to worry about what course to take for my University. Luckily there's this University Cadet Pilot Training Scheme(UCPTS), whereby i can still study local University and will be paid full salary during my course of study. But all these are still early talks. Shall let them come if they do.
Alright, that's all i have for this week. Till then.
Just got back home for my 3rd book out since the start of my army life. And sad to say, from this week onwards, all my book out will be on Saturdays. This weeks is the start of BMT phase for me. 4 weeks of PTP has ended, and the direct enhanced BMT batch of new recruits got enlisted yesterday.
Yesterday as the new recruits started coming in with their families or relatives, my mind was brought back to a month ago. That's when i "checked in" to "Resort Tekong". How time flies. It has been a month since i start my military life, and come to think again, i think i'm glad i got in as PTP batch (those who failed or didn't obtain Silver in Napfa), as this period of time acts as a good adjustment period and of cause, we do enjoy a better spread of training schedule as compared to those direct enhanced BMT batch.
Staying away from home isn't really the issue, instead the people you faced, the instructions/orders given by our commanders can sometime pissed and stressed you off. I just saw my friend Jason's blog and i think everyone who gone through army will have the same sentiments. As in, you will see all sorts of people, and of cause, it shouldn't come as a surprise, for the fact that everyone is different and unique by nature.
As for me myself, i'm keeping myself low profile. Just do what i'm instructed to do, put in my best effort when it comes to physical trainings and it's just for a simple fact that, at the end of the day, i'm just cheating myself if i didn't put in effort. And of cos with that, i hope to obtain at least an IPPT Silver for when i passed out from BMT and therefore increase my chances of going to Officer Cadet School (OCS).
Speaking about OCS, i've received my Computerized Pilot Selection System Test (CPSS) results and i'm proud and happy that i've managed to pass it. 2 more stages to go: Pilot Selection Interview and Pilot Medical Examination. They haven't fixed my interview date yet, cos i'm required to reply back a letter back to them to confirm my indication to join RSAF. In short, i've to sign on for them and only if i'm interested, they will then probably schedule the rest of assessments for me.
I saw the road map for pilot training stages and i must say, it's really tough to be a pilot. Performance will be monitored and graded at every stage before one advance to the next. At any point of time, you can be kicked out of the training if you fail to meet the requirements at any stage, and this include de-wing even at the last stage of Advanced Flying Phase.
========================================
Training Stage ------------------------- Duration
========================================
Airgrading Course
in Tamworth, Australia ------------------ 2 months
Officer Cadet Training,
Tri Service Team ------------------------ 1 month
Air Force Service Team ------------------ 2 months
Basic Flying Phase as Flying Training
School in Pearce, Australia ------------- 10 months
Advanced Flying Phase
- Fighter Aircraft, France
- Transport Aircraft, Singapore --------- 11 months
- Helicopters, Singapore
========================================
Wings ----------------------------------- Approx 26 months
========================================
Nonetheless, i've decided to go for it. Nothing in this world comes without trying or without paying something in return for it. I suppose you can call it no pain no gain.
My friend Crystal was saying that if i chose this route, probably i won't have to worry about what course to take for my University. Luckily there's this University Cadet Pilot Training Scheme(UCPTS), whereby i can still study local University and will be paid full salary during my course of study. But all these are still early talks. Shall let them come if they do.
Alright, that's all i have for this week. Till then.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Quick update
Got a "long" weekend this week again. Nothing much happened this week, except last Monday whereby i went down to CMPB to have my Aptitude test taken. Seems lucky and fortunate that i managed to book out on Monday, just after we book in on the previous Sunday evening, but it wasn't really that case.
On the Monday morning, right after our 2.4km run, i had to rush to change to my uniform to catch the 9am fast-craft back to mainland. Stupid as it is, i missed the craft and i had to wait for the 10am ride. Prior to this, Derrick was telling me, probably there will be a bus or something which will pick up all those going for the test from the Changi Ferry Terminal to CMPB. But again, it wasn't the case.
It seems like i was the only one who is going down, and thus i had to take cab down from the ferry terminal, all the way to CMPB and it cost like $18? So it ended up $36 just for the test, taking into account that i had to take cab back too.
I got there around 1115 and the test starts at 1230. So i had to like sit there for 1 hour plus, and then i was thinking perhaps i should have take my own sweet time going down, instead of rushing and taking the cab.
Was told to sign some forms and the rest of the candidates start coming in. End up, including me, only 6 turn up. Before the start of the test, we were briefed about how the pilot selection goes.
Firstly, the Aptitude pilot selection computer test. Results will be out 2-4 weeks time. Secondly, those who got through it, will then be scheduled for an interview. And the last phase will be the strict medical checkup. Was told that by then, usually after the medical checkup, 60% will be cut off.
If one is able to get through all the 3 phases, he will have to complete his BMT first and will then be placed directly to OCS, which is the Officer Cadet School. After which, when he is commissioned as Officer, then the real pilot training will start.
Considering all these, it's kinda obvious that, by then, they would have force you to sign on with the RSAF. Probably they wouldn't want to waste time training you and when your NS term ends, you bid them goodbye.
So after the brief, we went to have our test taken. The test itself is pretty mental stressing. Towards the end of the test, i was pretty much in the state of "anyhow". 5 hour long, with 5-10 minutes break in between, and the time passed without me knowing much about it.
The test consisted of some tactical viewing of the controls, picture comprehension, substraction, test of multi-tasking, logic tests, hand and feet coordinations and etc. Most of them are timed, or given limited time to work on.
Didn't managed to get everything correct for some sections, but i just did what i can and treat it as a leisure test. At the end of it, everyone is given an Air Force small clock as a souvenir.
Another interesting thing was that when i took cab back to Changi Ferry Terminal, the cab driver was chatting with me the whole journey. He asked me how come i'm at CMPB and not at Tekong. Ha! He must have though i went AWOL. I told him i went for the test then he started asking me some stuff.
He was asking me how i feel after the test, as in my confidence level of getting through this test. He suggested me to play those aircraft games to train my alertness. Lastly, to my surprise, after knowing that i haven't had my lunch since my breakfast at 6am that day, he opened up the passenger's drawer and gave me his last stick of "FruitTips" candy.
After like years of cab riding experience, he's definitely one i'll remember for life. And this only shows me one thing, nice guy might not be rewarded for his good deeds, but the memories of him will stayed on with one, forever.
Before i left, he wished me all the best for my pilot selection and he only asked for $18 for the trip after knowing that i'm paying my own transport, and that when i went down to CMPB with a Union cab, i was charged $18, but his was $19.70.
The rest of the days were pretty much the same. Probably the only "excited" part was that, we are issued our "wives": M16S1 rifles. Other than that, the training was pretty much the same, so much so that we are dreading them now.
Alright, that's all i have. Gonna rest more this weekend, as i heard my next weekend will be pretty much burned up, with the fact that i'll be booking out on Satuarday next week.
Before i leave, gonna leave you guys with some quotes i came across during my days in army.
"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, remember to always bring your own sunshine."
"To wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
"Tough time don't last, tough man do."
Till then.
Got a "long" weekend this week again. Nothing much happened this week, except last Monday whereby i went down to CMPB to have my Aptitude test taken. Seems lucky and fortunate that i managed to book out on Monday, just after we book in on the previous Sunday evening, but it wasn't really that case.
On the Monday morning, right after our 2.4km run, i had to rush to change to my uniform to catch the 9am fast-craft back to mainland. Stupid as it is, i missed the craft and i had to wait for the 10am ride. Prior to this, Derrick was telling me, probably there will be a bus or something which will pick up all those going for the test from the Changi Ferry Terminal to CMPB. But again, it wasn't the case.
It seems like i was the only one who is going down, and thus i had to take cab down from the ferry terminal, all the way to CMPB and it cost like $18? So it ended up $36 just for the test, taking into account that i had to take cab back too.
I got there around 1115 and the test starts at 1230. So i had to like sit there for 1 hour plus, and then i was thinking perhaps i should have take my own sweet time going down, instead of rushing and taking the cab.
Was told to sign some forms and the rest of the candidates start coming in. End up, including me, only 6 turn up. Before the start of the test, we were briefed about how the pilot selection goes.
Firstly, the Aptitude pilot selection computer test. Results will be out 2-4 weeks time. Secondly, those who got through it, will then be scheduled for an interview. And the last phase will be the strict medical checkup. Was told that by then, usually after the medical checkup, 60% will be cut off.
If one is able to get through all the 3 phases, he will have to complete his BMT first and will then be placed directly to OCS, which is the Officer Cadet School. After which, when he is commissioned as Officer, then the real pilot training will start.
Considering all these, it's kinda obvious that, by then, they would have force you to sign on with the RSAF. Probably they wouldn't want to waste time training you and when your NS term ends, you bid them goodbye.
So after the brief, we went to have our test taken. The test itself is pretty mental stressing. Towards the end of the test, i was pretty much in the state of "anyhow". 5 hour long, with 5-10 minutes break in between, and the time passed without me knowing much about it.
The test consisted of some tactical viewing of the controls, picture comprehension, substraction, test of multi-tasking, logic tests, hand and feet coordinations and etc. Most of them are timed, or given limited time to work on.
Didn't managed to get everything correct for some sections, but i just did what i can and treat it as a leisure test. At the end of it, everyone is given an Air Force small clock as a souvenir.
Another interesting thing was that when i took cab back to Changi Ferry Terminal, the cab driver was chatting with me the whole journey. He asked me how come i'm at CMPB and not at Tekong. Ha! He must have though i went AWOL. I told him i went for the test then he started asking me some stuff.
He was asking me how i feel after the test, as in my confidence level of getting through this test. He suggested me to play those aircraft games to train my alertness. Lastly, to my surprise, after knowing that i haven't had my lunch since my breakfast at 6am that day, he opened up the passenger's drawer and gave me his last stick of "FruitTips" candy.
After like years of cab riding experience, he's definitely one i'll remember for life. And this only shows me one thing, nice guy might not be rewarded for his good deeds, but the memories of him will stayed on with one, forever.
Before i left, he wished me all the best for my pilot selection and he only asked for $18 for the trip after knowing that i'm paying my own transport, and that when i went down to CMPB with a Union cab, i was charged $18, but his was $19.70.
The rest of the days were pretty much the same. Probably the only "excited" part was that, we are issued our "wives": M16S1 rifles. Other than that, the training was pretty much the same, so much so that we are dreading them now.
Alright, that's all i have. Gonna rest more this weekend, as i heard my next weekend will be pretty much burned up, with the fact that i'll be booking out on Satuarday next week.
Before i leave, gonna leave you guys with some quotes i came across during my days in army.
"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, remember to always bring your own sunshine."
"To wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
"Tough time don't last, tough man do."
Till then.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Start of military life
After 2 weeks of compulsory confinement, i'm finally home on the Thursday evening. Will be booking in later at 2015, and even it's considered a long weekends, time really flies. Lucky for me i get to book out again on Monday morning, for my Computerized Pilot Selection Test. So basically i just book in to sleep over the night and book out for the 5 hours test.
Many are asking me how's life as a NSF. Well, so far so good. At least, it's still within my expectations. Though this 2 weeks are our supposedly honeymoon period, i must say apart from the slacking admin time we do get to enjoy, the training itself can be quite demanding. Got to put in our best effort in order to get the best out of it.
Still got 11 more weeks to go before my BMT phase concludes, in the meantime, i'll just take what's given to me. Of cos, i'm striving to pass my IPPT and hopefully manage to get into the vocational i'm dreading for.
Alright, just all these at the moment, nothing much for me. I take care of myself and hopefully bring back good news regarding my pilot selection. And for those out there, stay happy, take care and rock on!
Till then.
After 2 weeks of compulsory confinement, i'm finally home on the Thursday evening. Will be booking in later at 2015, and even it's considered a long weekends, time really flies. Lucky for me i get to book out again on Monday morning, for my Computerized Pilot Selection Test. So basically i just book in to sleep over the night and book out for the 5 hours test.
Many are asking me how's life as a NSF. Well, so far so good. At least, it's still within my expectations. Though this 2 weeks are our supposedly honeymoon period, i must say apart from the slacking admin time we do get to enjoy, the training itself can be quite demanding. Got to put in our best effort in order to get the best out of it.
Still got 11 more weeks to go before my BMT phase concludes, in the meantime, i'll just take what's given to me. Of cos, i'm striving to pass my IPPT and hopefully manage to get into the vocational i'm dreading for.
Alright, just all these at the moment, nothing much for me. I take care of myself and hopefully bring back good news regarding my pilot selection. And for those out there, stay happy, take care and rock on!
Till then.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
So long and good night...
Alright, this eagerly anticipated post shall be my last for the next 2 weeks. In another 5 hours time, I'll be heading toward the so-called "manhood" lifestyle and trainings. Quoting from what my friend Derrick used to say, blend with the forest and live like a monk.
Prior to today, I seem to have endless thoughts in mind that I wish to express it here before I leave for my enlistment. But right now, it seems like I've nothing much to write. For the next few paragraphs, I'll try to mention and thank all the people who have pretty much left his/her footprints in my heart. Pardon me if I left out some of your names, and if I get too pessimistic, just bear with it.
For a start, this is the 193rd post since I started blogging way back in August 2003. It started off with just mentioning of daily stuff, and slowly evolving to sad tales, sad clips, sad songs, sad analogies and not to mention, this sad template. For those who has been following my blog since then, a very big thank you for your continuous support.
Now, how should I start?
For the past 20 years, probably there are way too many people who have crossed my path and had somehow left behind some good memories. Starting from way back to 13 years ago (I've skipped the earlier phases before this, cause my memories isn't that great enough to recall the names before this.), that's when I'm in my primary school days.
Some names I could still recall, was Mrs. Sim, the so-called tigress of my school. She's my social studies teacher when I was primary 3 and hell-yeah, she's one who bites. There's an incident that I could remember, for one of her lesson, I forgot to bring the textbook for class, and she ordered me to get it from the class next door.
For some reasons, maybe I'm shy or got freak out after she raised her voice at me, I just pretend to walk out of the class towards the neighbour classrooms, and came back telling her no one has the text to lend me, even though I didn't went in to any of the classrooms asking for it.
And guess what? She's smart enough to see that I came back pretty fast and immediately gave me a good dressing down for that I didn't even asked at all and came back lying to her. So I went back the second time round and thank god, some kind soul has the text to lend me.
Probably this is the start of my rebellious, attitude character building.
Those primary school days are probably the most relaxing, innocent, naive days. Used to like play table tennis after school ends around 6pm till late, go around the estate playing block catching until the residents called up the police for that we are making too much noise and hogging the lifts, started all the classroom puppy love gossips whereby there will be a gals group and the guys group always discussing about each other and doing silly match-making for one another, and many other innocent childhood stuff.
Of cause not to mention those friends I made; Siah Jen, Gerome, Ji kun, Kar Wai, Derek, Dong Hao, Elizabeth, Yuan Xia, Jolene, Sandy. Sorry if I can't recall some of the names out there. Siah Jen, whose probably the closest buddy of mine since we were classmates from primary 1 all the way to primary 6.
He was the smartest in class, and I could remember towards the end of primary 6, he's the one who is able to solve any difficult Mathematics problems set by our teachers. And to my knowledge, he excelled again in his secondary days, JC and even now as an officer in Air Force.
Kar Wai, my table tennis and Nitendo playmate, and is also the famous guy from our primary school batch who dated Fann Wong's younger sis during his secondary days. Ji Kun, my badminton playmate, and his dad who's a great badminton player but unfortunately passed away about 7 years ago. Gerome, the great striker in soccer and has been my schoolmate for quite a long time, stretching from primary 1 all the way to secondary 4.
Came my secondary school life thereafter, and again, the first 2 years of my secondary days are probably the best I could every get. The most unforgettable incident was that there's a inter-class soccer competition when I was in secondary 1. We joined class with the class 1 students as I'm in class 2. The competition was stretch from Express stream all the way to Normal Technical.
With no offence in mind, Normal Technical classes tend to have more Malays and are rougher with their playing style. Everyone deemed that our combination with class 1 will get us no where, and especially the fact that we are the only team with all Chinese. For some reasons, back then, soccer is ruled by the Malays.
School team will have like 90% of the members are Malays. So before the start of the competition, we are already deemed as the losers who will be finishing last with zero wins.
Against all odds, our team is the only team who won all the 3 matches, and therefore won the Inter-class soccer competition. All the team members who played in the competition became good friends. Khing tat, Sida, Desmond, Gerome, Yi Xiang, June Hua, are some of the names I can managed to recall. Sorry again for those names I missed out. Can't remember who was in the team, probably too mixed up with other friends who didn't played in the competition.
And when I was in secondary 1 and 2, the thing that got me the title of "Malay" was the countless days of soccer before and after school. Got pretty tanned out prior to the fact that we played regardless of rain or shine. At that time where there's still the system of alternate sessions like afternoon session for secondary 1 and morning session for secondary 2.
So when it's morning session, we will come to school way before assembly, and play soccer for like 20-30 minutes, sweat it all out and then have to stand at the back of the class for that our shirts are soaked. And then after school, we will start kicking again, from 2pm till 6pm.
School shoes have to replace like every 2 months and we will get the US Masters or All-Star school shoes, for that there's an extra pimples strip at the front for us to curve and bend the ball imitating the hot soccer star, David Beckham's famous banana free kicks.
Slowly we moved to play street soccer, and then we reach the point of like losing soccer balls at quite a fast rate simply either the ball was kicked to the road and got burst or totally worn out.
Something nice about secondary school days was that when we all got to secondary 4, before we graduated with our O Levels, it seems pretty much like we know each and everyone in the whole cohort.
Of cause, not forgetting my NCC days which we used to call it ECA, and yeah, I'm in the NCC uniform group. And that period of time as a cadet is definitely going to be useful for me in the next 2 years. Recalling those days whereby I'll be the rebellious and attitude cadet who likes to argue with my Sergeants and get punished most of the time.
So much so, I was told that my attitude in my first 2 years as a cadet left me bad mark to me name and therefore I wasn't able to rise up the ranks to be Staff Sergeant or anything higher like ASM or CSM. But I was still able to get my 1st Sergeant rank and was given the post as Specialist In-Charge.
The days as cadet really taught me a lot of things. Remembering the Specialist course I attended, whereby we were on course for 5 days, was an experience one could never forget. The trainings, the punishments and the discipline have somehow changed my thinking to be more mature.
CLT Bernard Tan was one who I could remember. He's used to be my Sergeant when I was in secondary 1, and then become our Sir when he graduated and came back as Cadet Lieutenant. He's a strict Sir but a good friend as a whole.
Names to mention yet again; Derrick, Eugene, Soon tat, Sida, June Hua, Swee Liang, Yi Xiang, Desmond, Yu Zhong, Seow Chin, Jin Han, Melvin, Gerome, Khing Tat, Seline, Cui Cui, Hui Shan, Jillian, Serene, Sok Ling, Hui Ying. (Sorry, if I can't recall you).
A very big thank you to all of you guys.
The most recent schooling time will be my poly life. 3 years with many happenings. Sad and sorry to say, DBI0203 isn't a class that one would call it a class. We are mainly divided into 2 groups and of cause; I'm so called the bastard in class. Long story behind it, not to say I'm right or who's wrong, I think it's just misunderstandings.
Days as a poly student is pretty much dull for me. Was pretty much less active in sports, and have nothing but projects to be done. I remembered during my first semester when I was in year 2, I stayed back in labs doing up my projects for like almost every single day until lab closed at 10pm.
That's how hardcore I'll be at that time. But ever since I got my laptop, I'll just do them at home, at a very slow pace, simply gaming all the time.
Something I've learnt from one of my lecturer when I complained to her about the unfair project marking system whereby I felt that hard work by an individual in a group project is never recognized, was that learning is more than the grades I get at the end of the day.
Getting Distinctions and all the As doesn't mean much. Till now, I totally agree with this point. Just ask yourself if you are able to teach and educate some other people with those modules you scored well and what's the real meaning behind all the studying.
Names to mention; Zheng Cun, Deming, Ching Wei, Farhan, Sam, Derrick, Kenneth, Wendy, Michelle, Iris, Wen Sze, Ristina, Shenyan, Liu Ting, Pauline, Hanis, Adeline, Crystal. (Sorry if I left out your name.)
Gaming days are also something worth mentioning here. Gunbound and Maple Story are the 2 games which kept me staying up and occupied for quite some days. Had a lot of fun especially in Gunbound, made nice friends, and not forgetting some gatherings we had.
Names to mention: Kenneth, Jacky, Jason, Esther, Hui ling, Erina, Karen, Yao, Elena, Sharin. (Sorry if I left out your name.)
3 notable working experiences I had were at Clarke Quay Thanying Thai restaurant, Hasbro Christmas Village at Expo and Jay Gee (Levi's) at Plaza Singapura. The longest was the time I spent 2 years at Thanying restaurant, the time where I learnt what customer service is about, and experience all the nice Thai food. Jimmy and Calvin are the 2 TP friends I made while working there. Had lots of fun over there.
Hasbro, the most slack and well-paid job I ever had. It was also the first time I actually had Christmas present exchange with my colleagues. The kids over there are generally cute and fun too. Christopher, Timothy, Leon, Nicholas, Azmi, Levian, Pei Lan, Amanda, Xiu ling, Charmaine are the friends I made over there. 1 short month over there that seems forever nice and great.
Lastly, the Levi's time I had over at Plaza Singapura. First exposure to retail line and I must say, it's not easy to be one good customer service assistant. Learnt a lot about Levi's products and how retail line works. Not forgetting the punk rock I got into, the lame dirty jokes, and all the instant noodles I had. Excellent colleagues over there like Don, Desmond, Kheong, Ida, Mel and Susie our boutique manager.
Alright, I hope I have mentioned all the names I could possibly think of. Right now, I'm actually not in a perfect state of mind to write much about everything I wish I can. There are a lot more issues and stuff I may wish to write them all down, but I guess its going to be like a least 10 pages long.
I've took 2 hours to write till here. And now, I'm left with 2 hours before I bid farewell to my bed. So before I end up, time to be emotional yet again.
As most of you guys reading would have know, I'm pretty much a pessimistic guy. Even at times, I don't mind it, but I'll just mention all the nasty, dreadful things. Like death is something I'll hang around my mouth. So it's time for me to write a death wish here, just in case something bad really goes wrong when I'm inside.
Yeah, I know, nothing bad will happen, at least not death that serious right? But there's always a but, so I'll just write my say here. Fingers crossed, if I do faced death, I hope my funeral to be all black. Bury me in black. Black coffin, black suit for me, black funeral theme, with black and white roses.
Ok, enough of that. On the last serious note, to all my friends reading this, take good care.
For those who always get relationship problems, just be strong and things will work out fine, for those who are studying, study well and simply do your best and not be too concern about results, for those working out there, work hard and learnt as much as you can, for those who is always sick, take care of your health, for those who hates me, time to let go the hatred, for those who likes me, (is there one?) I'll be strong.
Since I'm going in army for 2 years, there must be some resolutions I hope to achieve at the end of it. For me, I hope to be able to be a pilot for which I know it's never easy, and the least I hope to be is to be an officer. Shall work hard for it.
Alright, gotta prepare and check my stuff, lunch and get going soon. To all the friends out there, stay positive, stay cool, stay punk and stay out of trouble. May the force be with you.
So long and good night...
Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Oasis
Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Alright, this eagerly anticipated post shall be my last for the next 2 weeks. In another 5 hours time, I'll be heading toward the so-called "manhood" lifestyle and trainings. Quoting from what my friend Derrick used to say, blend with the forest and live like a monk.
Prior to today, I seem to have endless thoughts in mind that I wish to express it here before I leave for my enlistment. But right now, it seems like I've nothing much to write. For the next few paragraphs, I'll try to mention and thank all the people who have pretty much left his/her footprints in my heart. Pardon me if I left out some of your names, and if I get too pessimistic, just bear with it.
For a start, this is the 193rd post since I started blogging way back in August 2003. It started off with just mentioning of daily stuff, and slowly evolving to sad tales, sad clips, sad songs, sad analogies and not to mention, this sad template. For those who has been following my blog since then, a very big thank you for your continuous support.
Now, how should I start?
For the past 20 years, probably there are way too many people who have crossed my path and had somehow left behind some good memories. Starting from way back to 13 years ago (I've skipped the earlier phases before this, cause my memories isn't that great enough to recall the names before this.), that's when I'm in my primary school days.
Some names I could still recall, was Mrs. Sim, the so-called tigress of my school. She's my social studies teacher when I was primary 3 and hell-yeah, she's one who bites. There's an incident that I could remember, for one of her lesson, I forgot to bring the textbook for class, and she ordered me to get it from the class next door.
For some reasons, maybe I'm shy or got freak out after she raised her voice at me, I just pretend to walk out of the class towards the neighbour classrooms, and came back telling her no one has the text to lend me, even though I didn't went in to any of the classrooms asking for it.
And guess what? She's smart enough to see that I came back pretty fast and immediately gave me a good dressing down for that I didn't even asked at all and came back lying to her. So I went back the second time round and thank god, some kind soul has the text to lend me.
Probably this is the start of my rebellious, attitude character building.
Those primary school days are probably the most relaxing, innocent, naive days. Used to like play table tennis after school ends around 6pm till late, go around the estate playing block catching until the residents called up the police for that we are making too much noise and hogging the lifts, started all the classroom puppy love gossips whereby there will be a gals group and the guys group always discussing about each other and doing silly match-making for one another, and many other innocent childhood stuff.
Of cause not to mention those friends I made; Siah Jen, Gerome, Ji kun, Kar Wai, Derek, Dong Hao, Elizabeth, Yuan Xia, Jolene, Sandy. Sorry if I can't recall some of the names out there. Siah Jen, whose probably the closest buddy of mine since we were classmates from primary 1 all the way to primary 6.
He was the smartest in class, and I could remember towards the end of primary 6, he's the one who is able to solve any difficult Mathematics problems set by our teachers. And to my knowledge, he excelled again in his secondary days, JC and even now as an officer in Air Force.
Kar Wai, my table tennis and Nitendo playmate, and is also the famous guy from our primary school batch who dated Fann Wong's younger sis during his secondary days. Ji Kun, my badminton playmate, and his dad who's a great badminton player but unfortunately passed away about 7 years ago. Gerome, the great striker in soccer and has been my schoolmate for quite a long time, stretching from primary 1 all the way to secondary 4.
Came my secondary school life thereafter, and again, the first 2 years of my secondary days are probably the best I could every get. The most unforgettable incident was that there's a inter-class soccer competition when I was in secondary 1. We joined class with the class 1 students as I'm in class 2. The competition was stretch from Express stream all the way to Normal Technical.
With no offence in mind, Normal Technical classes tend to have more Malays and are rougher with their playing style. Everyone deemed that our combination with class 1 will get us no where, and especially the fact that we are the only team with all Chinese. For some reasons, back then, soccer is ruled by the Malays.
School team will have like 90% of the members are Malays. So before the start of the competition, we are already deemed as the losers who will be finishing last with zero wins.
Against all odds, our team is the only team who won all the 3 matches, and therefore won the Inter-class soccer competition. All the team members who played in the competition became good friends. Khing tat, Sida, Desmond, Gerome, Yi Xiang, June Hua, are some of the names I can managed to recall. Sorry again for those names I missed out. Can't remember who was in the team, probably too mixed up with other friends who didn't played in the competition.
And when I was in secondary 1 and 2, the thing that got me the title of "Malay" was the countless days of soccer before and after school. Got pretty tanned out prior to the fact that we played regardless of rain or shine. At that time where there's still the system of alternate sessions like afternoon session for secondary 1 and morning session for secondary 2.
So when it's morning session, we will come to school way before assembly, and play soccer for like 20-30 minutes, sweat it all out and then have to stand at the back of the class for that our shirts are soaked. And then after school, we will start kicking again, from 2pm till 6pm.
School shoes have to replace like every 2 months and we will get the US Masters or All-Star school shoes, for that there's an extra pimples strip at the front for us to curve and bend the ball imitating the hot soccer star, David Beckham's famous banana free kicks.
Slowly we moved to play street soccer, and then we reach the point of like losing soccer balls at quite a fast rate simply either the ball was kicked to the road and got burst or totally worn out.
Something nice about secondary school days was that when we all got to secondary 4, before we graduated with our O Levels, it seems pretty much like we know each and everyone in the whole cohort.
Of cause, not forgetting my NCC days which we used to call it ECA, and yeah, I'm in the NCC uniform group. And that period of time as a cadet is definitely going to be useful for me in the next 2 years. Recalling those days whereby I'll be the rebellious and attitude cadet who likes to argue with my Sergeants and get punished most of the time.
So much so, I was told that my attitude in my first 2 years as a cadet left me bad mark to me name and therefore I wasn't able to rise up the ranks to be Staff Sergeant or anything higher like ASM or CSM. But I was still able to get my 1st Sergeant rank and was given the post as Specialist In-Charge.
The days as cadet really taught me a lot of things. Remembering the Specialist course I attended, whereby we were on course for 5 days, was an experience one could never forget. The trainings, the punishments and the discipline have somehow changed my thinking to be more mature.
CLT Bernard Tan was one who I could remember. He's used to be my Sergeant when I was in secondary 1, and then become our Sir when he graduated and came back as Cadet Lieutenant. He's a strict Sir but a good friend as a whole.
Names to mention yet again; Derrick, Eugene, Soon tat, Sida, June Hua, Swee Liang, Yi Xiang, Desmond, Yu Zhong, Seow Chin, Jin Han, Melvin, Gerome, Khing Tat, Seline, Cui Cui, Hui Shan, Jillian, Serene, Sok Ling, Hui Ying. (Sorry, if I can't recall you).
A very big thank you to all of you guys.
The most recent schooling time will be my poly life. 3 years with many happenings. Sad and sorry to say, DBI0203 isn't a class that one would call it a class. We are mainly divided into 2 groups and of cause; I'm so called the bastard in class. Long story behind it, not to say I'm right or who's wrong, I think it's just misunderstandings.
Days as a poly student is pretty much dull for me. Was pretty much less active in sports, and have nothing but projects to be done. I remembered during my first semester when I was in year 2, I stayed back in labs doing up my projects for like almost every single day until lab closed at 10pm.
That's how hardcore I'll be at that time. But ever since I got my laptop, I'll just do them at home, at a very slow pace, simply gaming all the time.
Something I've learnt from one of my lecturer when I complained to her about the unfair project marking system whereby I felt that hard work by an individual in a group project is never recognized, was that learning is more than the grades I get at the end of the day.
Getting Distinctions and all the As doesn't mean much. Till now, I totally agree with this point. Just ask yourself if you are able to teach and educate some other people with those modules you scored well and what's the real meaning behind all the studying.
Names to mention; Zheng Cun, Deming, Ching Wei, Farhan, Sam, Derrick, Kenneth, Wendy, Michelle, Iris, Wen Sze, Ristina, Shenyan, Liu Ting, Pauline, Hanis, Adeline, Crystal. (Sorry if I left out your name.)
Gaming days are also something worth mentioning here. Gunbound and Maple Story are the 2 games which kept me staying up and occupied for quite some days. Had a lot of fun especially in Gunbound, made nice friends, and not forgetting some gatherings we had.
Names to mention: Kenneth, Jacky, Jason, Esther, Hui ling, Erina, Karen, Yao, Elena, Sharin. (Sorry if I left out your name.)
3 notable working experiences I had were at Clarke Quay Thanying Thai restaurant, Hasbro Christmas Village at Expo and Jay Gee (Levi's) at Plaza Singapura. The longest was the time I spent 2 years at Thanying restaurant, the time where I learnt what customer service is about, and experience all the nice Thai food. Jimmy and Calvin are the 2 TP friends I made while working there. Had lots of fun over there.
Hasbro, the most slack and well-paid job I ever had. It was also the first time I actually had Christmas present exchange with my colleagues. The kids over there are generally cute and fun too. Christopher, Timothy, Leon, Nicholas, Azmi, Levian, Pei Lan, Amanda, Xiu ling, Charmaine are the friends I made over there. 1 short month over there that seems forever nice and great.
Lastly, the Levi's time I had over at Plaza Singapura. First exposure to retail line and I must say, it's not easy to be one good customer service assistant. Learnt a lot about Levi's products and how retail line works. Not forgetting the punk rock I got into, the lame dirty jokes, and all the instant noodles I had. Excellent colleagues over there like Don, Desmond, Kheong, Ida, Mel and Susie our boutique manager.
Alright, I hope I have mentioned all the names I could possibly think of. Right now, I'm actually not in a perfect state of mind to write much about everything I wish I can. There are a lot more issues and stuff I may wish to write them all down, but I guess its going to be like a least 10 pages long.
I've took 2 hours to write till here. And now, I'm left with 2 hours before I bid farewell to my bed. So before I end up, time to be emotional yet again.
As most of you guys reading would have know, I'm pretty much a pessimistic guy. Even at times, I don't mind it, but I'll just mention all the nasty, dreadful things. Like death is something I'll hang around my mouth. So it's time for me to write a death wish here, just in case something bad really goes wrong when I'm inside.
Yeah, I know, nothing bad will happen, at least not death that serious right? But there's always a but, so I'll just write my say here. Fingers crossed, if I do faced death, I hope my funeral to be all black. Bury me in black. Black coffin, black suit for me, black funeral theme, with black and white roses.
Ok, enough of that. On the last serious note, to all my friends reading this, take good care.
For those who always get relationship problems, just be strong and things will work out fine, for those who are studying, study well and simply do your best and not be too concern about results, for those working out there, work hard and learnt as much as you can, for those who is always sick, take care of your health, for those who hates me, time to let go the hatred, for those who likes me, (is there one?) I'll be strong.
Since I'm going in army for 2 years, there must be some resolutions I hope to achieve at the end of it. For me, I hope to be able to be a pilot for which I know it's never easy, and the least I hope to be is to be an officer. Shall work hard for it.
Alright, gotta prepare and check my stuff, lunch and get going soon. To all the friends out there, stay positive, stay cool, stay punk and stay out of trouble. May the force be with you.
So long and good night...
Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Oasis
Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Monday, August 22, 2005
You were happy once....... with me.
These couple of days has been unusually solemn and cold. Ever since my off day last Thursday, i realised i've been keeping to myself. Emptiness, loneliness or whatsoever it is, i'm not sure of myself either. Perhaps it could be the fact that my enlistment is just round the corner, but it's never something i would be bothered by it. Nevertheless, one thing for sure, is that, i'm starting to think again...
.
.
.
6 years ago, i never knew what's right, what's good, or even what I wanted. Hooking myself on the phone everyday, dialing the same number again and again. Studies has never been my precedence because the only thing i had in mind and ever want to do, is simply to hear a voice over and over again. A voice that's so ever sweet and innocent, it became a drug to me.
Without realising, the drug was strong and addictive. So strong so addictive, you got into it too. Everything seems perfect and everlasting, with not a slightest hint, that it's just a bubble, simply a fragile vapor, waiting to burst off.
Losing crave for the drug, i simply let myself go. I never thought that i'll lose it forever. Even when the odds are all stacked against me, i never gave the slightest attention to it. The day i heard the same voice again, the same voice which accompanied me for months, that's when i realised it seems likes such fun, until i lose what i've won.
I saw your pretty smile, your familiar voice and a guy. The guy, whom i used to picture myself to be by your side, was simply a dream. When the dream's over, the guy was never to be. It's someone else. I've only myself to blame and kill, for which i hanged myself high and up, for which i never appreciated you and for which i knew i never deserve you.
Even the day i saw you again, you could only smile and nod with your arms round the guy next to you, and all that i could, was simply, smile too. I'll never be able to change what's been and gone...
5 years ago, the word 'love' came to me. The countless calls, the countless waiting, the countless joy, the countless arguments, the countless me and you, all the countless time spent, was spread out for a very long, long 3 years. Though i tried to be a better man, i've failed times and times. I never thanked for what you've have been and done. As i thought i could thank you for that but i'll never get a chance.
The tears i saw and wiped away from you, was enough to sentence me at least 3 death penalties. I knew i'm never a perfect one for you, simply too naive hoping to be one. The day i bid you goodbye, was the day i want you to be full of joy.
The promises i made and the sorrows i gave, i wish i could take them all away. But you and i know, the joy and fun was simply part of it. It gave us some place to go and hide, and i'll thank you for that...
2 days back, when i'm walking home after a day's of work, in the midst of my deep thoughts, i glazed up the sky and the round full moon greeted me yet again. Probably it's the 15th day of the current lunar month, and with that, it brought me back 14 months.
14 months ago, it is the same full moon which accompanied me for quite some occasions. I used to look straight up the moon whenever i'm walking back home during that period of time. Somehow the moon acts as a guiding light for me, and at the same time, i will tell myself, the one i wish to be be my side was never to be, but i'm glad cause i knew i was never alone.
The long journey home back then was ever cold and dark. Loneliness and sadness were the only 2 who joined me throughout the long long path. On days, when i asked myself what am i doing, and what i really want, i looked at the moon and i'll be greeted with a smile, a ever cold white smile, which never fail to fade off.
Back then, i was trying to be someone, and that i forget who i really am. Searching for something i thought i lost, thus every time i try to make a difference, but i end up doing more harm. The day i paused, stopped and realised that even when it's tough to be myself, it's not to be someone else, you asked me why.
A why which i couldn't even explain myself. For which you know, you have hurt me deep, and for what i've ever done for you, you know that probably there's no one, no one else, ever in this world, who could have done it, just for you...
4 months ago, for weeks and months i'll be sleeping all day, staying up all night. I'll be writing stories, computing analogies, gaming all night, just to pass my time. I never knew where i'm heading and what to do with all my time.
You showed me what i could do with my time, spent my birthday with me and shared with me your past. You brought me the fun and joys with the numerous nights. On sleepless nights, i knew where i can head to and spend some wonderful quality time. On lonely days, you gave me stuff to view and watch.
I shared my knowledge in exchange for a better ties. I did stuff i told myself never to do so. I hate myself at times but I never knew i'll fall so deep. One day, i decided to gave up all these, for which i knew letting go is the only option for me. I'll thank you for this, and we will never stop moving forward, even if one day, we have to go our separate ways...
Prior to these backtracking of my past, i've got 2 notes to share:
1. Will you give up hearing or sight if you have to?
Short fact about senses; when one passed away, sight is the first to go off, and hearing's the last.
I'll forfeit sight if i have to. No particular reason. Probably i prefer see no evil than hear no evil.
2. Given a chance to turn back the time, which part of your life will you change?
I'll do the extreme; turn back to the time i wasn't born. No particular reason yet again, probably the ugly mankind sets me this thinking.
Alright, give some thoughts to these 2 whenever you're free for some thinking.
Till then.
May Angels Lead You In
Jimmy Eat World
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
These couple of days has been unusually solemn and cold. Ever since my off day last Thursday, i realised i've been keeping to myself. Emptiness, loneliness or whatsoever it is, i'm not sure of myself either. Perhaps it could be the fact that my enlistment is just round the corner, but it's never something i would be bothered by it. Nevertheless, one thing for sure, is that, i'm starting to think again...
.
.
.
6 years ago, i never knew what's right, what's good, or even what I wanted. Hooking myself on the phone everyday, dialing the same number again and again. Studies has never been my precedence because the only thing i had in mind and ever want to do, is simply to hear a voice over and over again. A voice that's so ever sweet and innocent, it became a drug to me.
Without realising, the drug was strong and addictive. So strong so addictive, you got into it too. Everything seems perfect and everlasting, with not a slightest hint, that it's just a bubble, simply a fragile vapor, waiting to burst off.
Losing crave for the drug, i simply let myself go. I never thought that i'll lose it forever. Even when the odds are all stacked against me, i never gave the slightest attention to it. The day i heard the same voice again, the same voice which accompanied me for months, that's when i realised it seems likes such fun, until i lose what i've won.
I saw your pretty smile, your familiar voice and a guy. The guy, whom i used to picture myself to be by your side, was simply a dream. When the dream's over, the guy was never to be. It's someone else. I've only myself to blame and kill, for which i hanged myself high and up, for which i never appreciated you and for which i knew i never deserve you.
Even the day i saw you again, you could only smile and nod with your arms round the guy next to you, and all that i could, was simply, smile too. I'll never be able to change what's been and gone...
5 years ago, the word 'love' came to me. The countless calls, the countless waiting, the countless joy, the countless arguments, the countless me and you, all the countless time spent, was spread out for a very long, long 3 years. Though i tried to be a better man, i've failed times and times. I never thanked for what you've have been and done. As i thought i could thank you for that but i'll never get a chance.
The tears i saw and wiped away from you, was enough to sentence me at least 3 death penalties. I knew i'm never a perfect one for you, simply too naive hoping to be one. The day i bid you goodbye, was the day i want you to be full of joy.
The promises i made and the sorrows i gave, i wish i could take them all away. But you and i know, the joy and fun was simply part of it. It gave us some place to go and hide, and i'll thank you for that...
2 days back, when i'm walking home after a day's of work, in the midst of my deep thoughts, i glazed up the sky and the round full moon greeted me yet again. Probably it's the 15th day of the current lunar month, and with that, it brought me back 14 months.
14 months ago, it is the same full moon which accompanied me for quite some occasions. I used to look straight up the moon whenever i'm walking back home during that period of time. Somehow the moon acts as a guiding light for me, and at the same time, i will tell myself, the one i wish to be be my side was never to be, but i'm glad cause i knew i was never alone.
The long journey home back then was ever cold and dark. Loneliness and sadness were the only 2 who joined me throughout the long long path. On days, when i asked myself what am i doing, and what i really want, i looked at the moon and i'll be greeted with a smile, a ever cold white smile, which never fail to fade off.
Back then, i was trying to be someone, and that i forget who i really am. Searching for something i thought i lost, thus every time i try to make a difference, but i end up doing more harm. The day i paused, stopped and realised that even when it's tough to be myself, it's not to be someone else, you asked me why.
A why which i couldn't even explain myself. For which you know, you have hurt me deep, and for what i've ever done for you, you know that probably there's no one, no one else, ever in this world, who could have done it, just for you...
4 months ago, for weeks and months i'll be sleeping all day, staying up all night. I'll be writing stories, computing analogies, gaming all night, just to pass my time. I never knew where i'm heading and what to do with all my time.
You showed me what i could do with my time, spent my birthday with me and shared with me your past. You brought me the fun and joys with the numerous nights. On sleepless nights, i knew where i can head to and spend some wonderful quality time. On lonely days, you gave me stuff to view and watch.
I shared my knowledge in exchange for a better ties. I did stuff i told myself never to do so. I hate myself at times but I never knew i'll fall so deep. One day, i decided to gave up all these, for which i knew letting go is the only option for me. I'll thank you for this, and we will never stop moving forward, even if one day, we have to go our separate ways...
Prior to these backtracking of my past, i've got 2 notes to share:
1. Will you give up hearing or sight if you have to?
Short fact about senses; when one passed away, sight is the first to go off, and hearing's the last.
I'll forfeit sight if i have to. No particular reason. Probably i prefer see no evil than hear no evil.
2. Given a chance to turn back the time, which part of your life will you change?
I'll do the extreme; turn back to the time i wasn't born. No particular reason yet again, probably the ugly mankind sets me this thinking.
Alright, give some thoughts to these 2 whenever you're free for some thinking.
Till then.
May Angels Lead You In
Jimmy Eat World
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Hold on
Been some time since i last posted a blog. Finally got my day off, after working 9 days straight in a row. A couple of stuff has happened since the whole of last week, and they are things mainly related to work.
First and foremost, my first in-charge, aka the sarap(rubbish in Malay) Don has been transferred to Levi's Tampines(LTM), Men's Store. The pillar of all lame and dirty jokes is not longer seen luking around at Levi's Plaza Singapura(LPS).
As a result, our second in-charge, Mel will be the only senior and in-charge around in LPS. And that spells trouble. Trouble for which we are gonna get tempers thrown at us for nothing, countless of re-folding of jeans and tops to be done, and no-nonsense working attitude to be display at all times.
The 2 days before the official hand-over of the store to my second-in-charge, she was throwing her temper all around. Of cos, i wasn't spare the rod. Was reprimanded for nothing, and at some point of time, i felt like i'm being treated unfairly. Come to think again, i'm just a part-timer yet i'm working way off my job scope and schedule.
The whole of last month, my working hours are 217hours. As a part-timer, i just have to clock 22hours per week, which means 88hours per month. Even as a full-timer, they just have to do 44hours per week, and anything after 176hours for the month is consider over-time work.
Of cos, i did it at my own will. But the point i wish to stress was that, they should appreciate the fact that i'm helping them out alot with my schedule as they are really short of staff. Instead of dedicating tasks to me in a more reasonable and fair way, i was reprimanded for nothing and asked to do things that are way beyond my job scope.
My colleague Desmond was telling me, just do whatever a $5/hour job should do, will be enough. "Work smart not work hard." But even he could see that my second in-charge likes to dedicate the tasks to me, even though Desmond could be just 2 steps away from her, but she would call for me when i'm miles apart from her.
Put aside all these small unhappiness i faced with my work, i must admit i have learnt alot in retail line. Prior to working at Levi's, i haven't had any experience in retail, thus this 2 month stint has be rather intriguing experience for me. 2 more weeks to go and i'll end my working spell at Levi's.
For my last week of relaxation before my enlistment day, i haven't really decide what and how to spend it. Probably i need to do some packing for my stuff and get whatever i need to for my 2 weeks confinement. Time really flies. Seems like only yesterday when i was still hanging around net, gaming and downloading animations to watch. Now, it's already mid-August.
I used to say, "your shadow and time" is the best of pals who will never leave you. Time has definitely show it's worth. It's something which will stay with you, yet never able to feel it's with you. Cos even now, as you read this, the previous second is gone and you're already into the next second of time.
To whoever out there, hold on, and may the force be with you.
Till then, Rock on!
Hold On
Jet
You tried so hard to be someone
That you forget who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything's so far away
That you don't know
Where you are
You are
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to
When it's hard to be yourself
It's not to be someone else
Still everything's so far away
That you forget where you are
You are
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
Hold on (x8)
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to
Been some time since i last posted a blog. Finally got my day off, after working 9 days straight in a row. A couple of stuff has happened since the whole of last week, and they are things mainly related to work.
First and foremost, my first in-charge, aka the sarap(rubbish in Malay) Don has been transferred to Levi's Tampines(LTM), Men's Store. The pillar of all lame and dirty jokes is not longer seen luking around at Levi's Plaza Singapura(LPS).
As a result, our second in-charge, Mel will be the only senior and in-charge around in LPS. And that spells trouble. Trouble for which we are gonna get tempers thrown at us for nothing, countless of re-folding of jeans and tops to be done, and no-nonsense working attitude to be display at all times.
The 2 days before the official hand-over of the store to my second-in-charge, she was throwing her temper all around. Of cos, i wasn't spare the rod. Was reprimanded for nothing, and at some point of time, i felt like i'm being treated unfairly. Come to think again, i'm just a part-timer yet i'm working way off my job scope and schedule.
The whole of last month, my working hours are 217hours. As a part-timer, i just have to clock 22hours per week, which means 88hours per month. Even as a full-timer, they just have to do 44hours per week, and anything after 176hours for the month is consider over-time work.
Of cos, i did it at my own will. But the point i wish to stress was that, they should appreciate the fact that i'm helping them out alot with my schedule as they are really short of staff. Instead of dedicating tasks to me in a more reasonable and fair way, i was reprimanded for nothing and asked to do things that are way beyond my job scope.
My colleague Desmond was telling me, just do whatever a $5/hour job should do, will be enough. "Work smart not work hard." But even he could see that my second in-charge likes to dedicate the tasks to me, even though Desmond could be just 2 steps away from her, but she would call for me when i'm miles apart from her.
Put aside all these small unhappiness i faced with my work, i must admit i have learnt alot in retail line. Prior to working at Levi's, i haven't had any experience in retail, thus this 2 month stint has be rather intriguing experience for me. 2 more weeks to go and i'll end my working spell at Levi's.
For my last week of relaxation before my enlistment day, i haven't really decide what and how to spend it. Probably i need to do some packing for my stuff and get whatever i need to for my 2 weeks confinement. Time really flies. Seems like only yesterday when i was still hanging around net, gaming and downloading animations to watch. Now, it's already mid-August.
I used to say, "your shadow and time" is the best of pals who will never leave you. Time has definitely show it's worth. It's something which will stay with you, yet never able to feel it's with you. Cos even now, as you read this, the previous second is gone and you're already into the next second of time.
To whoever out there, hold on, and may the force be with you.
Till then, Rock on!
Hold On
Jet
You tried so hard to be someone
That you forget who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything's so far away
That you don't know
Where you are
You are
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to
When it's hard to be yourself
It's not to be someone else
Still everything's so far away
That you forget where you are
You are
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
Hold on (x8)
When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Everytime
Simple Plan
It was 3am when you woke me up
And we jumped in the car and drove as far as we could go
Just to get away
We talked about our lives
Until the sun came up
And now I'm thinking about
How I wish I could go back
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
And everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
You left my life in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you
When the car broke down
We just kept walking along
Till we hit this town
There was nothing there at all
But that was all okay
We spent all our money on stupid things
But if I looked back now, I'd probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
My life's been in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you
Now I'm sitting here, like we used to do
I think about my life and how now there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right (Everything feels right)
Everytime I hear your name
Everytime I feel the same
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
You walked away
Just one more day
It's all I need, just one more day with you
Simple Plan
It was 3am when you woke me up
And we jumped in the car and drove as far as we could go
Just to get away
We talked about our lives
Until the sun came up
And now I'm thinking about
How I wish I could go back
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
And everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
You left my life in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you
When the car broke down
We just kept walking along
Till we hit this town
There was nothing there at all
But that was all okay
We spent all our money on stupid things
But if I looked back now, I'd probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
My life's been in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you
Now I'm sitting here, like we used to do
I think about my life and how now there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you
Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right (Everything feels right)
Everytime I hear your name
Everytime I feel the same
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
You walked away
Just one more day
It's all I need, just one more day with you
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Words can't say what love can do..
Been working and working for the past 1 month and so now. Everyday i'll either get up at 9am for my morning shift or 11am if i'm doing afternoon shift. On days when i blogged, it's probably like today whereby i'm on afternoon shift thus i try to make use of some of my time to post some thoughts. Work has taken most of my time and there are couple of things i'm missing out alot. And that's to play and to think.
Today is the 7th of August and it marks the last month of my time before i head in Tekong to serve the nation. I'll be continuing my job at Levi's till the end of August, spend some time with my family and hopefully some friends before the start of my monk days. Throughout this period of work at Levi's, i've learnt quite alot of stuff. May it be work related things or not, the explosure to more human interactions has definitely taught me alot.
I guess that's what all humans do in life. We learn to be a better man with the things we see but of cos, not all are like that. Some are leaders, some are followers, it's just a matter of which side you fall on.
For me, it's pretty simple. Just take my work as an example, whenever i face a nasty customer, chances is that i'll get irritated and i'll tend to show kinda bad attitude towards them, just like most of you guys reading. Not to say all salesperson are like me, cos i know some have real good patience. After the particular customer has left, that's when the learning part comes. Everytime i get nasty customers, at the end of the day, i'll ask myself, will i do what he/she did when i'm a customer myself?
If my answer is a, "probably i might just be like that", i think to be fair to him/her, i just have to accept it and then practise the more polite and considerate behaviour when i'm a customer myself next time. And of cos, i'll try to show more patience when i'm serving them. This is bits and pieces of what i've learnt during my work. To see, to hear, to interact, is to be better man.
Yesterday night i spend some time reminiscing back the years. 2 weeks back when i attended my graduation ceremony, i felt that my 3 years in NYP is a complete stranger to me. Part of the reason was that, there's really nothing in the campus that's worth having a second look at it. Of cos, i've contributing nothing back to the school as well, and probably that's why i felt zero cohesion to NYP.
Attending lectures and tutorials faithfully during my first 2 years, slacking off my time during my last year, doing projects and projects for 3 years, doing shitty compilations for all the projects, making friends and foes and at the end of the day, just to get a piece of paper.
No doubt i'm a merit holder, whereby some of my friends will look at me with eyes of envy, and of cos, it has help me to be able to get a place in NUS. But till now, i still believe what we been taught and learnt in school isn't 100% measured by grades. Just because Singapore is a practical society just like anywhere in this dog-eat-dog cruel world, whereby education level counts every bit, we just have to be competitive on our grades. Fighting till our last breath trying to get a place in University, hoping to be a degree holder, so as to at least be able to find a better job.
There's this saying; "Never judge a book by its cover". Ain't we judge by how colorful our certificates were? Of cos, those CCAs and testimonials during attachments to companies, play a part too, but it's not difficult to see, grades took 70-80% off the total percentage for which how good you are, whether you're up to a job or just a seat in University.
Morale of the story, life is so short yet we have to spend 20 years of life studying just to survive in this world.
Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.
- W. Edwards Deming
I went through my emails, gunbounds pictures and some sites last night and i had a short smile at the end of it. Gunbound is another thing which has kept me occupied since the start of 2005. Make friends through guild, and had some outings as well. Funny as it sounds or seems to be, everyone started off as virtual friends and probably it's because of that, we are less skeptical towards each other? We will be nice to each and everyone, and at some point of time, i felt they are closer than my friends made in real life. But of cos, there's always a limit and difference between friends and friends made through net.
I've already left the guild for some reasons, but it's strictly personal reasons with no offence in mind. The days i had in Gunbound can never ever be exchanged for anything in this world. I may sound emotional or what, but just imagine online almost 10 hours per day just gaming with a friend day in day out, i believe it is more than just a habit.
Haven't been playing for weeks now, especially after the start of my work, and friends i used to play with till wee hours are also no longer active. Everyone has his/her own life, and it's only natural that everyone see things differently with different perspectives. Every banquet has its own ending. Time is the only deciding factor. Just want to say a big "Dank u" to the one who has been playing with me for the countless hours of fun. Things will never be the same again..
"Learn to forget the tough times, but never forget what it has taught you."
Gotta run for work now. Took me an hour just to type this post. Anyway, shall leave you guys with the song "I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi.
I may not be the one you miss or love, but when there's no one out there, i'll be there for you.
Till then.
I'll Be There For You
Bon Jovi
I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide
You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore
Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
I know you know we're had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday
And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
[Solo]
And I wan't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for
Been working and working for the past 1 month and so now. Everyday i'll either get up at 9am for my morning shift or 11am if i'm doing afternoon shift. On days when i blogged, it's probably like today whereby i'm on afternoon shift thus i try to make use of some of my time to post some thoughts. Work has taken most of my time and there are couple of things i'm missing out alot. And that's to play and to think.
Today is the 7th of August and it marks the last month of my time before i head in Tekong to serve the nation. I'll be continuing my job at Levi's till the end of August, spend some time with my family and hopefully some friends before the start of my monk days. Throughout this period of work at Levi's, i've learnt quite alot of stuff. May it be work related things or not, the explosure to more human interactions has definitely taught me alot.
I guess that's what all humans do in life. We learn to be a better man with the things we see but of cos, not all are like that. Some are leaders, some are followers, it's just a matter of which side you fall on.
For me, it's pretty simple. Just take my work as an example, whenever i face a nasty customer, chances is that i'll get irritated and i'll tend to show kinda bad attitude towards them, just like most of you guys reading. Not to say all salesperson are like me, cos i know some have real good patience. After the particular customer has left, that's when the learning part comes. Everytime i get nasty customers, at the end of the day, i'll ask myself, will i do what he/she did when i'm a customer myself?
If my answer is a, "probably i might just be like that", i think to be fair to him/her, i just have to accept it and then practise the more polite and considerate behaviour when i'm a customer myself next time. And of cos, i'll try to show more patience when i'm serving them. This is bits and pieces of what i've learnt during my work. To see, to hear, to interact, is to be better man.
Yesterday night i spend some time reminiscing back the years. 2 weeks back when i attended my graduation ceremony, i felt that my 3 years in NYP is a complete stranger to me. Part of the reason was that, there's really nothing in the campus that's worth having a second look at it. Of cos, i've contributing nothing back to the school as well, and probably that's why i felt zero cohesion to NYP.
Attending lectures and tutorials faithfully during my first 2 years, slacking off my time during my last year, doing projects and projects for 3 years, doing shitty compilations for all the projects, making friends and foes and at the end of the day, just to get a piece of paper.
No doubt i'm a merit holder, whereby some of my friends will look at me with eyes of envy, and of cos, it has help me to be able to get a place in NUS. But till now, i still believe what we been taught and learnt in school isn't 100% measured by grades. Just because Singapore is a practical society just like anywhere in this dog-eat-dog cruel world, whereby education level counts every bit, we just have to be competitive on our grades. Fighting till our last breath trying to get a place in University, hoping to be a degree holder, so as to at least be able to find a better job.
There's this saying; "Never judge a book by its cover". Ain't we judge by how colorful our certificates were? Of cos, those CCAs and testimonials during attachments to companies, play a part too, but it's not difficult to see, grades took 70-80% off the total percentage for which how good you are, whether you're up to a job or just a seat in University.
Morale of the story, life is so short yet we have to spend 20 years of life studying just to survive in this world.
Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.
- W. Edwards Deming
I went through my emails, gunbounds pictures and some sites last night and i had a short smile at the end of it. Gunbound is another thing which has kept me occupied since the start of 2005. Make friends through guild, and had some outings as well. Funny as it sounds or seems to be, everyone started off as virtual friends and probably it's because of that, we are less skeptical towards each other? We will be nice to each and everyone, and at some point of time, i felt they are closer than my friends made in real life. But of cos, there's always a limit and difference between friends and friends made through net.
I've already left the guild for some reasons, but it's strictly personal reasons with no offence in mind. The days i had in Gunbound can never ever be exchanged for anything in this world. I may sound emotional or what, but just imagine online almost 10 hours per day just gaming with a friend day in day out, i believe it is more than just a habit.
Haven't been playing for weeks now, especially after the start of my work, and friends i used to play with till wee hours are also no longer active. Everyone has his/her own life, and it's only natural that everyone see things differently with different perspectives. Every banquet has its own ending. Time is the only deciding factor. Just want to say a big "Dank u" to the one who has been playing with me for the countless hours of fun. Things will never be the same again..
"Learn to forget the tough times, but never forget what it has taught you."
Gotta run for work now. Took me an hour just to type this post. Anyway, shall leave you guys with the song "I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi.
I may not be the one you miss or love, but when there's no one out there, i'll be there for you.
Till then.
I'll Be There For You
Bon Jovi
I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide
You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore
Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
I know you know we're had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday
And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
[Solo]
And I wan't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for
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