You were happy once....... with me.

These couple of days has been unusually solemn and cold. Ever since my off day last Thursday, i realised i've been keeping to myself. Emptiness, loneliness or whatsoever it is, i'm not sure of myself either. Perhaps it could be the fact that my enlistment is just round the corner, but it's never something i would be bothered by it. Nevertheless, one thing for sure, is that, i'm starting to think again...

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6 years ago, i never knew what's right, what's good, or even what I wanted. Hooking myself on the phone everyday, dialing the same number again and again. Studies has never been my precedence because the only thing i had in mind and ever want to do, is simply to hear a voice over and over again. A voice that's so ever sweet and innocent, it became a drug to me.

Without realising, the drug was strong and addictive. So strong so addictive, you got into it too. Everything seems perfect and everlasting, with not a slightest hint, that it's just a bubble, simply a fragile vapor, waiting to burst off.

Losing crave for the drug, i simply let myself go. I never thought that i'll lose it forever. Even when the odds are all stacked against me, i never gave the slightest attention to it. The day i heard the same voice again, the same voice which accompanied me for months, that's when i realised it seems likes such fun, until i lose what i've won.

I saw your pretty smile, your familiar voice and a guy. The guy, whom i used to picture myself to be by your side, was simply a dream. When the dream's over, the guy was never to be. It's someone else. I've only myself to blame and kill, for which i hanged myself high and up, for which i never appreciated you and for which i knew i never deserve you.

Even the day i saw you again, you could only smile and nod with your arms round the guy next to you, and all that i could, was simply, smile too. I'll never be able to change what's been and gone...

5 years ago, the word 'love' came to me. The countless calls, the countless waiting, the countless joy, the countless arguments, the countless me and you, all the countless time spent, was spread out for a very long, long 3 years. Though i tried to be a better man, i've failed times and times. I never thanked for what you've have been and done. As i thought i could thank you for that but i'll never get a chance.

The tears i saw and wiped away from you, was enough to sentence me at least 3 death penalties. I knew i'm never a perfect one for you, simply too naive hoping to be one. The day i bid you goodbye, was the day i want you to be full of joy.

The promises i made and the sorrows i gave, i wish i could take them all away. But you and i know, the joy and fun was simply part of it. It gave us some place to go and hide, and i'll thank you for that...

2 days back, when i'm walking home after a day's of work, in the midst of my deep thoughts, i glazed up the sky and the round full moon greeted me yet again. Probably it's the 15th day of the current lunar month, and with that, it brought me back 14 months.

14 months ago, it is the same full moon which accompanied me for quite some occasions. I used to look straight up the moon whenever i'm walking back home during that period of time. Somehow the moon acts as a guiding light for me, and at the same time, i will tell myself, the one i wish to be be my side was never to be, but i'm glad cause i knew i was never alone.

The long journey home back then was ever cold and dark. Loneliness and sadness were the only 2 who joined me throughout the long long path. On days, when i asked myself what am i doing, and what i really want, i looked at the moon and i'll be greeted with a smile, a ever cold white smile, which never fail to fade off.

Back then, i was trying to be someone, and that i forget who i really am. Searching for something i thought i lost, thus every time i try to make a difference, but i end up doing more harm. The day i paused, stopped and realised that even when it's tough to be myself, it's not to be someone else, you asked me why.

A why which i couldn't even explain myself. For which you know, you have hurt me deep, and for what i've ever done for you, you know that probably there's no one, no one else, ever in this world, who could have done it, just for you...

4 months ago, for weeks and months i'll be sleeping all day, staying up all night. I'll be writing stories, computing analogies, gaming all night, just to pass my time. I never knew where i'm heading and what to do with all my time.

You showed me what i could do with my time, spent my birthday with me and shared with me your past. You brought me the fun and joys with the numerous nights. On sleepless nights, i knew where i can head to and spend some wonderful quality time. On lonely days, you gave me stuff to view and watch.

I shared my knowledge in exchange for a better ties. I did stuff i told myself never to do so. I hate myself at times but I never knew i'll fall so deep. One day, i decided to gave up all these, for which i knew letting go is the only option for me. I'll thank you for this, and we will never stop moving forward, even if one day, we have to go our separate ways...

Prior to these backtracking of my past, i've got 2 notes to share:

1. Will you give up hearing or sight if you have to?
Short fact about senses; when one passed away, sight is the first to go off, and hearing's the last.
I'll forfeit sight if i have to. No particular reason. Probably i prefer see no evil than hear no evil.

2. Given a chance to turn back the time, which part of your life will you change?
I'll do the extreme; turn back to the time i wasn't born. No particular reason yet again, probably the ugly mankind sets me this thinking.

Alright, give some thoughts to these 2 whenever you're free for some thinking.
Till then.


May Angels Lead You In
Jimmy Eat World

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.