Sweet talks

One day in your dreams you saw me beside you, walking down the sandy beach of your life journey. Each time we walked, there were 2 sets of footprints marked on the sand beach.

During your hardest and painful moments, you look back and noticed only one set of footprints. And when you saw me again you questioned me. "Why do you leave me during my hardest and painful moments?".

I smiled and I replied, "You only saw one set of footprints because I was carrying you during your hardest times". You smiled.

How's this paragraph?

Surprisingly, i woke up around 9am today despite the fact i slept around 430am. Had a long 5 hours man's talk with Ken, Derrick and Sam over at the Prata House, all the way from 11pm to 4am. The most interesting thing about the prata session, was the fact that the prata house was simply too business minded during Chinese New Year.

They didn't want to sell plain pratas, yet all the cheese, egg pratas were available. You might be thinking why is that so. Well, simple fact, they would rather use the dough to make cheese, egg or anything else which is slightly more expensive. And they even bring out the superstition of Chinese, that plain pratas is not a good omen, cos it means empty. So we should not eat it during this period of time. How smart can they get?

Just a little about the talks we have last night, we were pretty much into the topics of love, girls, cars. Ken was probably the subject of the day. With no offence, we sorta end up teasing him about how much he spent on someone overseas. We give him suggestions on what he could have done with the almost $2k he spent. Like.. 6 years of 2 plain pratas everyday, 1 year of Geyland visits weekly, increase his Lego collections, get a car license, etc. It's was quite bad for us to say all this, but of course we told him the essence of it, is that he did in fact enjoy himself, was shown love and concern at that point of time too. It's still not that bad afterall.

Sam was asking Ken if he likes to be sad. And he was saying that the feeling of sadness and loneliness do give him certain kicks at times. Stupid? Maybe, maybe not. But of course we do understand the fact that it's definitely not a healthy thing to be always down. He pointed out another point for discussion and i was thinking about it till now. He was saying, should guys be more strong and suppress all his feelings, instead of showing how emotionally unstable he is.

Not to take it as man's pride or anything, probably it's true to a certain extend that we should be the stronger sex, in terms of how we should manage our emotions. After thinking about it for a moment, i guess we should? It's pretty tough to see who is the stronger sex nowadays, especially when it comes to emotional matters. Perhaps more a person by person basis. For myself, i think i'm not that strong. Cause i whine alot? Probably so.

Then we got into the topic about personal charm. Time in poly seems to be rather wasted, because we realised we do have a number of admirers? Sounds disgusting to say this here, but anyway i wasn't aware of it when i was back in poly, until they told me about it. It seems like although one may be good looking, or has certain attraction to others, somehow we just don't get many female friends. And Derrick got a conclusion that although we do not know how to chase a girl, we do know how to love a person whole heartedly. That's what differentiate us and those who have tonnes of girls by their side. They are just direct opposite of us.

That leads to the topic of sweet talks. Who else but Ken, who's the un-proclaimed king of all sweet talks. As always, he never fail to deny this fact. So we started throwing out all the facts right at him, and he of course have no much to counter-argue them. Case closed. He's king of sweet talks. And so he was saying that sweet talks have to come into play when you hope to start a fatal attraction with a gal. Maybe i made it sound too exaggerating. But nevertheless, his point was that it's pretty much a norm and a must when dealing with gals.

Derrick was saying somehow his gf did mentioned to him about why he hasn't been saying those sweet honeyed-mouth words as compared to the past. But he felt it's just not natural for him to say all these. It doesn't mean the value of love has diminished, but he prefer actions more than words. I think i'm on his side with regards to this issue. Cause i always have this thinking that the majority, or should i say the easy way for most, is sweet talks. It's pretty much cheap, cause you don't have to pay for it, and at times you don't even have to be responsible for what you said.

So in short, it's all the tiny weeny small little things, which you do as part and parcel of your daily life that matters. For example making the extra effort to make sure the gal is greeted by a morning sms everytime she wokes up, for every morning? Sound easy to do so, but the effort has to be there. And you don't even have to sweet talk in that particular morning message. What beats seeing the name of someone you love, appear in your inbox everyday you woke up? It's just as sweet without any special contents in it.

Last topic, we were discussing the possibility of selling oneself on blog. By posting a "who-wants-me" post in the blog, hoping someone will respond to it. Sounds desperate, but of course we came to a conclusion that, even if one does that, no one will bothers.

Day 2 of Chinese New Year, is just like any other day. I'm suppose to start my reading of checks for my Air Grading. But simply not in the mood. Feeling sleepy now. And i've yet to get all my stuff for my trip. I've decided to settle on the Black Levi's watch, but i need to save abit to get it before i leave. How i wish i'm leaving next week. I need more time.

Alright, end of "sweet talks". Till then.

Yet again

I saw something just a moment ago which made me left there almost immediately, and somehow it did affected me. I sorta enquired about what i saw and it turned out to be something i hate to hear. But i guess it's kinda fated for me to know? Considering it's just a short single line message on my screen, yet it caught my eyes. I guess i'm so used to seeing and hearing things i shouldn't have. On the contrary, i'll be rather keen to find out the truth most of the time. How contradicting. And often it's never something pleasant to me. Never mind, i just have to accept it. At least now i know perhaps it's time for me to let go something which i held for almost a year now.

This time round, i'll not do or say anything about it. Probably the person doesn't even know i'm refering to. Sometimes words are better meant to be kept at heart. I used to express my thoughts too much, and i got feedback that i'm hurting the person. Probably nothing much in particular, but when i first know the fact that, sometimes my concern or care, do in return cause alot of pain to the party, i felt hurt with double effect. I always thought being nice will never get you wrong. But no... It's never really the case.

Probably it will be alot better for me to adopt the hack care attitude. Anyway, more than often, i'm often portrayed to have this attitude. I should simply see less, hear less, feel less and worry less. In actual fact, i shouldn't even have got myself into this. When there's more than just fork and spoon on your table, it just gets messy.

I'm getting real tired..

Selemat Hari Raya?

What a title right? I guess for a malay-look-alike, i think it's better for me to celebrate Hari Raya. Anyway, i decided to post this before i go bed. No idea what i'll be typing here too. Probably just some craps. Stomach still quite full with the dinner i had and tongue pretty much scalded. It wasn't a bad dinner, of course it wasn't the best either.

I've finally managed to get most of the things i wish to do completed before this weekend. Considered letting some burdens off my shoulders for a moment. But i've yet to sort my own stuff. Will be flying off soon, but i have yet to get all the things i needed. And yeah, watch! I need a rubber strap digital watch for my Air Grading. As i start to weigh my options of what watch to get, i realised i'm already into the red. My vitamin M is into the deficit. I guess i'll have to see what i can do, with what i have.

Put aside that, i have yet to get myself started with my studying. Probably what my senior said was right, how well you can perform, will depend greatly on how much you want it. So i guess, i'm still quite half-hearted?

The previous batch who went on the start of January, only 1 so far managed to make the mark. 14 out of the 20 who started the course were already cut. 5 more are still over at Tamworth, persevering to make the mark with their test 2. So it's gonna be like only maximum 6 out of 20 will finish with a pass. And that works out to be just 33.3% passing rate. Of course, it's not about this passing rate, more importantly, it's pretty much an individual thing. My instructor was telling us last Friday, it's either 100% pass or 100% fail for each and everyone. Who is to say he's wrong? It's only you against yourself.

Like i told my friend, somehow the desire for me wanting to pass is growing each day. The ironic of it is that, i want to pass for others and not so much for myself. Passing for others meaning to say that i have to pass for those who make this possible. It's not easy for me in the first place to be able to secure a place to go over Tamworth. And even so, i think alot of them have quite high expectations for me. It's hard to pinpoint what i meant, but in short, somehow i just hope to pass it and come back as a happy man, because i didn't disappoint anyone and that i will be able to return all my favours.

My OC spoke to us on last Thursday, wishing us the best of luck and also shared some stories about himself as a pilot trainee back in the days. He was telling us at that point of time when he got into the Air Force at the age of 17, the only motivation that pushes him on to complete the almost 3 years course and getting the pilot wings, is the fact that he was being mocked and looked down by his classmates after they knew he was going to be a pilot trainee. Thus he was telling us to find ourselves a motivation, and this motivation should the one which will pull us through the long trainings ahead.

After he mentioned about motivations, i sort of asked myself who or what is my motivation. Sad to say, i've yet to find myself a convincing one. Probably like i mentioned earlier, i'll push on for the sake of others.

I asked a few of my coursemates if they do really want this pilot job badly, and most of them i realised, they are totally into it. In fact they applied this vocation, or should i say career, way before they got enlisted. As for myself, i'm still clueless what and why i want to do this. And because of this issue, it somehow reverts the possibility that, i might just be getting more positive nowadays. My friend was telling me i seemed to have become more positive, but yet not so much, especially with my weird thinking, with regards to taking up this pilot thingy when i don't really like it.

So much about pilot stuff yet again, let's go back to Chinese New Year. Suppose to be more positive, more happy during this period of festive season. But i guess i'm not really that looking forward to it. It's like close to 4am now, and i think i'll be waking up pretty soon to go visit a couple of relatives. Maybe i'll just end here and go bed.

Before i go, i'll wish everyone out there a happy doggie year. Stay healthy, and get more ang bos. And.. like they said, "Huat ar!".

Till then.

Simple Note

Again, it's been some time since i last posted something in my rather stagnant blog. I'll just do a quick note here before i head to bed and mentally prepare myself for my IPPT, conducted tomorrow morning. Yeah, i can only do mental preparations now. Rather impossible to get back my fitness back with a day or two anyway. Fingers crossed, just hope i managed to maintain my Silver. Which is like 2 months ago?

Anyway, the whole of last week was fun. I wonder where the fun derived from too. Actually i should be tired, shagged, worn out, anything but fun. Somehow it wasn't that case. Sometimes your accompany makes a difference. Come to think again, i've been traveling alot the whole of last week. Literally touring round Singapore. Long story, so i'll just skip the details here. Glad it was pretty much a worthwhile trip. Corrections, should be trips.

I've left with days to my departure. When's my actual flying date? I've no clues about it too. No fixed date was told. Try asking me these few days and i probably might be able to answer you. But.. Yes, there's this but. I'll be selective to letting who know when is the date. Anyway, why bother to know when i'm leaving. Just know whether i managed to pass it or not will do. So if you happen to know when is it, you are the chosen one!

Bought only lip balm and plug converter for my Australia stay. Practically nothing much to bring over. Most importantly, bring our "flying cap". The cap which will make us fly and pass. Anyone has any idea where to get this kind of caps?

I wanted to get a watch for myself. Saw a Levi's watch. Pretty much like it. Initially wanted to get the very common Adidas watch. But my course mate got it and he got it with 30% discount due the fact that he bought it as 2nd watch purchase at City Chain. And worse, he got the black color, my favorite color. Anyway, the Levi's watch was priced at $99 with discount. Saw the watch in black, and was told the other 6 colors will be re-stock next week. The price will probably go back to $109 too. Too bad, it's too expensive for me right now.

Back to my preparation for my Air-Grading Course. Well, i have seriously not done much reading or memorizing. Shall buck up from tomorrow onwards. Somehow, just somehow, i have this sudden urge and strong determination to pass it. Prior to this, i'm literally wet-blanketing my course mates, saying that pilot isn't a good choice. But i'm not going to do this anymore. To each his own. I should not be so selfish as to influence the rest.

So of course, the time i have spent in Air Force School so far was pretty much wasted. I wasn't really into what i'm suppose to be doing. Blame it on my half-hearted attitude. Blame it on other factors. I guess i have no one but myself to blame at the end of the day.

This coming Saturday is Chinese New Year Eve. How time flies. But anyway, this year CNY has to be probably the one i hack care most. I didn't even bother to get myself new clothes or whatsoever. Just not in the CNY celebration mode. I'll just wish you guys a happy CNY in advance. For those who gamble, win more. For those who don't, start doing so? Ha. But don't be like me, when i gamble, i'll lose. No matter how i cheat or what, i'll still lose. It's tested and proven.

Alright, that's all i have. Till then.

We spend our whole lives searching for all the things we think we won, when never really knowing what we have

Been really a long time since i last stayed up till so late. Stayed up waiting for a reply which didn't pleased me at all. I guessed i was too worried for nothing. But never mind, life's like that. Always getting the direct opposite when you're expecting something.

These few days have been rather crappy. My title speaks volume about what i have in mind. Career as pilot, a friend of mine, my bills, all these are seriously bothering me to the max. Even when i tried to talk to someone about it, all that most would suggest, was for myself to think about what i really want. Of course it's entirely my choice, i know that too. But i guess i just need someone, someone who is at least on my side, telling me that no matter what i chose, i'm always being supported.

Never mind, i never see that day will come any sooner too.

I don't think i'll want to type a long post at this hour, just here to post a short thought i had i mind. Something which i have been experiencing for quite some time. Close to 2 years i might say. And that's whenever i tried to get something, i'll end up having nothing. Blame it on bad timing, blame in on the fact that i'm not someone who does wonders, blame it on the people i met, blame it on everything, but no matter what, the more i search, the more i lose. I remembered telling my friend this; it seems like such fun, until you lose what you have won. Searching for things that are never realistic, and yet losing all that we have won in the process.

If I could have one wish tonight, I'd wish for the Garfield. The one that bites, hits and grumps.

Alright, not in the blogging mood. Till then.

World full of liars and untrue people

Alright, like the title goes, this post shall be rather mean and nasty with regards to my complains, my thoughts and of cos, my trademark pessimistic views about humans. So, i would seriously suggest any readers to stop right here, if you're ain't in the mood to read some craps, or if you are here hoping to read something less offensive. Period.

For some apparent reasons, my mood starts to get bad yet again. Not that i'm one who flares up, hurl vulgarities, smoke or drink, i'm just bottled up with frustrations and anger why this world is getting ugly each day i lived. Yeah i know, probably someone who be saying, "Aiya, you can't expect everyone to think like you what.", but whatever the case, the reason why there's politics, riots, fights, racism, etc, is simply because of the fact, humans ain't one who will let their pride down. Who likes to eat humble pie anyway?

Looking back at the point of time when i just enlisted for National Service back in September, i made some new friends, and sad to say, how many are still friends now? But.. there's always this "but", and that's i've already accepted the fact that, friends are really just mere humans who either you seek them for accompany when you fancy one, or they are just humans who appoarch you when they need accompany. It's a vice versa thing. Wouldn't have take long for one to understand what i meant.

I know, i made the term "friends" look real ugly. But think about it, it's true. The only thing is, to what extend it is.

Some might use the word 'passerby' for those who came into their lives and left only footprints behind. Some might use the word 'hi-bye friends' for those who iterally greets you hi and bids you bye, other than that, total strangers. Some might use 'assholes', 'bastard', 'bitch' and 'slut' for those whom you loved but ended up being hurt. Come to think again, calling someone that after you used to call them 'dear', 'dar', 'darling' and etc, is just funny isn't it? Nevertheless, love and hatred is just a thin line drawn between them.

Practice makes perfect, yet no one is perfect, so why practise?

Perhaps this statement kinda justified the fact that, why no matter how i feel, how i think, there's no right or wrong. Just a matter of personal interpretation of things and personal point of view.

I was about to stop here, cause even though i started off typing this post with much enthusiasm, i'm feeling kinda no point rattling out my thoughts now. Cause at the end of the day, i will just get comments or remarks which will iterally shuts me up. Not to say that's a bad thing, at least when i'm thrown with remarks which shuts me up, it means that i've see another side of things, which i wasn't able to initially. So i guess, i'll just share with you guys some unpleasant incidents i had these weeks.

There's one notable incident which kinda pissed me off. Perhaps i shouldn't put it as an incident, it's more like those people around me in my 02/06 Air Grading Course. Probably not very beneficial for me to mention this here, especially since this blog is rather open to all, but if you happen to be one of those i mentioned, in any of my posts, which you felt i made up the story or distorted the fact, please feel free to tag and correct me.

My course mates, i must say, probably due to the fact that we have already sort of got in tuned with one another, after spending quite some time together, the friendly courteous behaviour seems to be fading each day. Not forgetting many of them are rather successful in many ways. Hawk and Taurus company best, ex-national snooker player, national rock climber, youth flying club member, and a couple from well-to-do families. Well, you name it, we have it. But there's something i think they lack; Modesty.

I'm not sure if it's the pilot-to-be attitude they had or just their own personal character, some of them tend to be rather untactful with what they say. Perhaps they might have not meant it, but somehow just somehow, they projected a very arrogant and selfish attitude. Something which i often see in them is that they like to bad mouth the rest of the course mates, insulting one another behind their backs, and the one which got me real pissed, was to disturb for no apparent reasons.

I was disturbed for using too much of my mobile phone, being disturbed many a times for sms-ing. Then one would question why do they want to do that? Not that my sms-ing will cause them to lose anything, but because i'm using a mobile which allows gaming; N-Gage QD.

And guess to what extremes they would want me to do so that they get to play? Due to the fact that my inbox has accumulated 2000+ sms, which results in low phone memory for gaming, they expect me to delete all my messages, just to allow them to be able to play the games. And what if i'm sms-ing? They will want to exchange their SIM cards with me, so that they can continue to game without interruption. One even offered to exchange mobile phone over the night, cause i was telling him my mobile battery was running low.

Perhaps just to seek some fun or something, they will then teased me by mentioning the person's name of which i'm sms-ing. I don't know how you guys would react to it, but deep down, i was very irritated by that. And to play things down, i walked away from them, cause i didn't want to say or do anything which is insensible. But at the end of the day, the cycle just keep repeating.

Sad to say, i never enjoy being a pilot trainee even till now. I've seen too many arrogant seniors, too many unfriendly pilots and too many regimental duties and responsibilities. And because of this, i'm often asking myself, why am i doing this for? Being a pilot has increasingly becoming a burden to me.

Put aside my pilot friends, friends who are still considered close to me are fading in numbers too. Won't want to go into all the whining of why and such, but i'm getting sick with the fact, people can be nice to you for a moment, turn their back around out of the sudden, and come back to you again for help. Treating you nice, telling you things which make you float up the air, but at the end of the day, you just felt like you have just gone through a beautiful dream, and that's all. All fake and just like bubbles, beautiful yet it doesn't last.

And because of things like that, you wonder who are true to you, who are liars. Somehow the definitions of all these seems blurred and vague.

Everything i've mentioned so far makes one wonder if my friends are that bad and is my life that messed up. To be fair to my friends, generally they are considered good, at least they didn't bring me to hell, as for my life, i reckon i just need more new chapters, more chapters of enjoyment.

Alright, i'll close this chapter here. Leave you guys with the OST of Spiderman 2 and the lyrics extracted from it:

"We spend our whole lives searching for all the things we think we won, when never really knowing what we have."