Headaches

It doesn't mean anything as long as it appears to be what it wasn't supposed to be. Believe it or not.

Predictions: Confirmed

Ignorance isn't always a bliss. Anyway, it seems that i have alot of unhappiness to convey from time to time ain't it? I think i know now..

Prediction

Date: 24th April 2008
Time: 03:21am
Activity: Prediction made
Date of actual event(s): To be revealed

I used to be able to get fairly accurate about things i predicted. What a person is doing, wearing, thinking, or what is to come in the near future. 70% of my guesses were rather spot on. Maybe i do cheat a little to get my prediction as accurate as possible, but i'm pretty surprised myself that i get them right at times. So i've made a few predictions, and they are about to happen some time in the near future.

The reason why i decided to make this post is to minimally convince and prove to myself that what i'm predicting may just be true once again. Of course i'm not going to state all my predictions here clearly and concisely, for you reading this, would probably try to make it not happen. Maybe just to prove i'm wrong.

Nevertheless, i'm pretty looking forward to whether my predictions do actually come true. I would seriously hope not though; this should give some hints about the "optimistical" predictions i have. What lies ahead? Watch the space after this line.







It's been quite some time since i made some rational posts in my blog. Most of the recent posts are rather full of emotions, full of angst and full of hatred. Not to say that everything's over, but i seems to be convinced myself quite a few times lately, that i have to start looking at a half-filled glass. Though it might be once again self-denial, but i guess at the end of the day, everyone gets a better living environment, with 1 less skeptical guy lurking around.

The latest thought i have in mind lately is the issue about rewards for good achievements, may it be studies, sports, arts, effort or what-so-ever.

First and foremost, i don't belong to the group who will get monetary rewards, gifts or presents in any sort of form, for any form of achievements. Therefore when i look at those who have, simply full of envy. Worse, i don't reward myself for my efforts, neither through retail therapy nor getting myself something i wanted. Instead, i try as much as i can to fulfil the wishes of others, of course at the expense of my own. My latest phone is probably one of the better things i have for myself after my DS, which is almost an year ago.

So you lucky gals out there, who always get alot of attention or presents from your admirers, count your lucky stars.

Back to the subject, i do in fact yearn for some form of monetary rewards or presents for my achievements time to time. Or at least get a pat for my efforts. I wouldn't dare to say i have achieve alot of spectacular stuff, but i do feel that at least i have put in quite alot of effort in many ways. I guess this desire in me probably push me to do alot more for others. Especially my close one. Some of you guys probably heard me saying this time to time, given $100 on hand, i probably spent $80 on others. My wardrobe is starting to shrink in size and my shoes and slippers are giving way. Good or bad, you just have to look at which perspective of things you're more interested in. My perspective or the "others" side.

Frankly speaking, how many of you do get monetary rewards or any form of rewards, for the number of As/Distinctions you get either during "O"s, "A"s, poly and university or during any phrase of your education lifespan? I believe the ratio should be around 1:1. How about getting a personal car after you got your license? I believe every 2-3 kid out of 10?

I'm not really driving at wealthiness with this thought of mine, for it's not just a matter of where and to which family you're a son/daughter. You don't have to be rich to get rewards. How about an extra big yummy roasted duck drumstick to go along your dinner, for the below average GDP families? This is reward too.

Of course, of course, one shouldn't be too devoted in seeking for rewards or benefits in life for everything that we do. It's the learning process, it's the enjoyment we get that matters the most ain't it? If results aren't important, then why do we get graded for education, and why do sports keep scores, why is CEO highest paid and why do jobs listed set education criteria instead of moral attributes such as integrity? You probably gonna argue that moral attributes can't be judge or graded. Eat me, but i'm just gonna say, once you're breathing in this sphere of earthlings, you have to outlast simply by outshining the rest.

Last thought of the day, if things you get are what you always expected, and you don't ever put in much effort, or even try to understand how come you get them, you will never be able to treat the rest, the same way you're being treated. You may be enjoying life, but with your surrounding ones suffering in silence. Things don't come free, they come at the expense of another. You just need to be more sensitive to these.

Till then.

Sony Ericsson w960i

Finally changed a new phone after living with my crappy motorola v3i which makes me send so many redundant sms due to the 'special' function of auto-sending sms when i'm in the midst of typing it. Part of the reason why i always exceed my 500 free sms.

And so i got myself a new phone and a new contract. By the way, Starhub is offering 2000 free sms and 200 free outgoing minutes for new lines under PowerValue 100 Student plan. Personally i think it's a good deal, despite many complaints about poor and bad reception of Starhub lines. Well, if you will to look at a more economical point of view, Starhub's student plan is better in value and in case you guys are not aware, Singtel tends to overcharge your bills.

Just personal thoughts and view, so don't quote me or sue for my words. Anyway, Singtel's student plan offers you 1000 sms, but the 2nd 500 is only for Singtel to Singtel numbers. I just wonder how they actually do the count, for that my friends are having issues that they don't get the 2nd 500 free smses. Of cause, the call time is charged by per minute. On the contrary, Starhub gives 2000 sms and you don't have to worry if it's limited to Starhub-Starhub only. It's free for all. And it's per second billing. Given that the 2 student plans are the same price, you be your own judge which is more value for money. Of cause if you're very conscious about the reception, Singtel is your choice then.

Move on to my new phone, Sony Ericsson w960i. I've got a review here. After getting it for days, i think i'm pretty much used to the phone now. The touch screen isn't really that great if you have big fingers and thumb, but along the way, you will learn the proper technique to handle it. Guess the best part for me is the 8GB built-in memory and the WiFi function.

Camera wasn't that bad, but the crap part about Sony Ericsson phone is that despite it's a 3G phone that allows video calls, you can't use the front camera to take photos. Battery life isn't that great either. Probably need to do a recharge every 2 days if you are normal user with calls, sms and some usage of the functions.

Overall, i think it's 8/10. Decided to do this short review for that it's something i can strike off my wishlist! Thanks! Dedicated to you.

Till then.

Untitled 2

Surprisingly, my second post in such a short time frame. Probably just a short post, for my headache is killing me. Think i've got a tumor or something stuck up there. But the contradicting fact is that, mine's a empty vessel, so i guess it's just probably too much air trapped inside.

Anyway, the reason why i'm back to blogging this post is possibly i hope someone out there can hear my heart screaming out loud. I have so much to say, so much to grumble and so much to whine. 'Here i go, scream my lungs out, trying to get to you..'

Probably too much to say and too difficult to convey my thoughts out here. I know things aren't getting better lately, and i know i should be looking myself real hard for being the source of problems and headaches. If you're reading this, i hope you will ask me more, instead of just listening.

Before i end off, i just want to point about about the fact that lately i've been stumbling upon weird students in NUS. Either faggots or negative EQ students. Most importantly, incidents like these do make me want to detach myself as a NUS student. Maybe i'm one too.

Till then.

Untitled

Once again, back after god-knows-how many weeks. No idea how i'm going to go about with this post, for a start, i just want to comment that this coming August will be big 5 years old for this blog. Think i changed the skins for about 4-5 times throughout this period, the name of this blog remains the same, with the writer pretty much the same too, always posting nothing but sad posts. This is by-the-way post #290.

As usual some recent updates and then hopefully some wild thoughts along the way, and without realising i guess i'll just drift off what i intented to write and end abruptly. Hope this post is long enough to entertain you guys who are still faithfully looking at my blog after so long.

For starters, i just submitted one of my major project for this semester. Spent quite some time on it, of cause with some help, else i think i'll be looking at just borderline grades for it. Anyway, it's been years since i did up a programming assignment. The most unforgetable part about programming back in my polytechnic days, has to be the continuous back-to-back staying back in school computer lab, till 10pm when it closes. And i will start pretty early to ensure i get it done. Those days, the assignments were group work, and i must say it's alot easier compare to now. Now's tougher and it's individual. Of course right? If not NUS might just be NYP instead.

Anyway, back to the programming part, i think i've pretty much lost all the touch i have with it. I'm like who i was back in semester 1 of poly, where i need to spend time figuring out where's my error and what does each method does and how it work. The assignment for my current semester is on java beans, java language, but the beans are the one that makes you want to avoid eating them during proper meals.

I still have one last group project left, my financial accounting module. Kinda dreading it, for it's an essay form of project report where we have to answer 11 accounting questions with regards to Creative Technology report. Can't wait to get it off my back and dive into the most hated examinations. 3 weeks more to exams, and what i can think of to summarize this semester is simply, "Busy with everything else except schoolwork, learnt nothing except being silly."

I'm stuck with words once again. Hate to do this, but i guess i'll be ending this post soon. Been suffering from giddiness and headaches lately. Despite sleeping more last few days, it doesn't seems to get any better.

Just one last thing before i end this. I've been thinking about this lately, and probably i have already done so back in the past, and that's why does A gets alot better treatment, alot better life, alot better stuff and in many aspects, as compared to B. Take it as A is borned with a silver spoon for or A is the lucky star or what-so-ever names/titles one can think of, my point is that does it mean that B is just direct opposite or that he deserves to be like that? Maybe like what some would suggest, we need a bad guy to know what kind of guy is good guy. We need someone ugly to define pretty, we need someone rich to define the poor, we need someone stupid to define someone smart, the list just goes on and on.

And so many may also suggest that the fate of B lies entirely on his own hands. A just happen to have a better headstart but that doesn't mean B has no chance of overtaking A in all the aspects if he work hard and don't grumble like me? If you're one who thinks like this, congratulations, you belong to those kind who sees a half-filled instead of a half-empty glass of water.

Judging the way i put this, i must have belong to the more pessimistic kind. No doubt about it. Since i was young, small, naive or what-so-ever you wanna call it, i always thought that being honest, being hardworking, doing all the right things, doing all the mummy-said-so commands will at least give me a better life in future. Not entirely doing all the good things for the sake of doing, but doing all the correct right things which i can answer to not just myself but everyone. More like a peace maker?

But yeah, bet you would have easily guessed it, things didn't always turn out so nice. I have to admit i have done things in the past 22 years which are deemed as sins, crimes, or whatever you like to call it. How severe they are or how bad they are, i guess they ain't really that important. The thing i would like to question is the cause and effect of it. Does A ever not do anything bad? One can easily argue that everyone surely have done something bad or evil in a way or another.

So why am i driving at or what am i trying to prove?

Nothing much actually. I just like to question the reality of life. How we live to envy others, live to yearn for things, live with regrets and live for the sake of living. The lifespan of humans are spend searching for that unknown, may it be education, career, love, happiness, living it to the fullest, utimately i guess we are never really given a fair competition level in the process of doing so. Like it or not, life is too short for us to think too much. Yes i always do that, and for this i got no one but myself to appreciate my own thoughts. I yearn for another me, an exact clone. Good or bad, at least i can see myself better.

Till then.

What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud?

Has been always wanting to post something here, but hasn't really got the time and clear thoughts to do so. While going back home last night, somehow the journey seems much more longer, yet the time taken was the same. And that's when the thoughts start flowing like untamed water down the waterfall.

It has always been me or perhaps my belief that, i should do what i want from others first. Though of cause there were few times i broke this thought of myself and did otherwise. Yet when it comes to something i treasure or someone i value, i tend to stick to the principle alot more. And so you must be thinking, well, what's wrong with that? I thought so too, but in reality, you have to see what the situation is. The medicine that works wonder for you, may just be poison to another.

I received a call last night, though it was pretty random, it struck me as another reminder that what i'm doing right now might just be not working. You may want to put it as i'm prescribing doses of medicine to my patient which it has be proven in the medical field that it works wonder. Yet the patient doesn't seems to recover well enough, and it appears to be draining alot of side effects to him.

I have made quite alot of mistakes in life, and those mistakes i committed, have a tendency to stay in my head for quite some time. During my service in OCS, my mentor once told me during an evaluation of my field appointment, that the worst decision is not making any decision. The worst part as a commander of a troop is to let them cross the line and spoilt them with my leniency. Though during my 9 months command as an officer, i still tend to treat my guys as friends and give them certain amount of privileges which other deemed as i'm too slack.

Guess that's the irony of life in many situations. When you want to be nice to someone, you might just fall into the trap of letting them step on your head. During my poly days, i had this analogy with a friend, and that's i'm someone who lets people step onto my head, shit on it, and i will clean it up myself and let them continue doing the same. If you guys know me well enough, maybe, perhaps, you will agree on this too.

Coming back to the main topic of this post, and relating to the title of this post, some of you probably know that it is part of the lyrics of a song. A couple years back, i managed to catch the movie, "The Butterfly Effect" and that's when i first heard the song.

For the benefit of those who haven't seen this movie featuring Ashton Kutcher, it's a sad love story whereby a guy discovers a way to travel back in time to his troubled childhood as himself at that age. His goal is to change his life by changing painful events from his childhood. He finds that a very small change from his childhood will dramatically change his life today.

He is not pleased with the results of his first trip back, so he makes another trip to change another bad event, hoping for a better life. Unfortunately, he must return to his childhood many times, because his alternate future gets worse with each trip. Especially for the gal he loved. Yet the more the tried, and explained to the gal as he head back to the past, the lousier the situation gets. He finally decides let go of her and he went back all the way to the time when they were kids and he whispered to the gal he hates her or she's ugly, something like that.

Then he burnt all the photos and stuff which has memories of her and his childhood for that he needs them to be able to go back to the past. Tagline for the movie, "Change one thing, change everything."

And so there's another movie right now, titled, "Away from her". Shall post the spoiler here for you guys to read. Probably a good watch too. "Sometimes you have to let go of what you can't live without".

I guess this sums up everything i have for this post. Nothing constructive, but maybe you guys might wanna watch these 2 films and you tell me how you feel. Bottomline, it's just so weird that sometimes the harder we try, the more pain we are inflicting to others. Not to mention the double pain to ourselves.

Till then.

The pain just doesn't get any better

Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything at all once?

I'm just so bottled-necked and feeling so fucked up, but there's nothing much i can do. Everything just don't seems to go well at all. On the surface it may just be so, but deep down i know i'm just trying to force something out of nothing. I just hate my life and yes, i'm getting retribution from my crimes. Your curse is working and i can only say, yes i deserve every single piece of crap i have created upon myself. Who else can i blame?

I'm treating everyone else in the world like dirt, and i don't value those i should or ought to do so. I'm just fucking piece of shit, trying to be perfect. Guys, if you're reading this, i'm sorry for all the fucked up actions and thoughts i have, and i'm not asking for any pity, for that i just want you guys to know, try being me and tell me what would you do.

Just one last thing to add, if you deemed me as a crap, a jerk, you're right. Live with it, or just ask me to fuck off. I'm perfectly fine with it. I'm no saint and i know i suck. Thanks for reading this shit crap.



p.s.iloveyou

3 months

It's been some time since i last blog. Why i put the title as 3 months, cause i think the last 3 months was like roller coaster ride. All the ups and downs. But i guess it has finally settled down. School is starting this coming Monday, maybe its time to get back to my school bag and stop being a jerk. In case you guys aren't aware, these few days i acting like a barbarian. So word of caution, just don't step on my tail for the next few days. Shall indulge myself into living my own world. Back to the hermit days and be a loner.

Year 2008 already, and this is post number 287 since i created this blog. Been so long. I wonder how many of you have actually read through all my posts. Most of my posts especially during 2005 held alot of my emotions. Yet lately when so many things happened, i just don't feel like blogging over here.

So what probed me to come back here again? I guess i have to live my own life, get back into shape again. They always say got friends, got family to fall back to when anything happens, but for me, i fall back to myself, and found myself kneeling on the ground. Sounds emo? Not if you know what i meant.

Back to who i was in the past, back to blogging my stupid emo thoughts, back to trying to be perfect but nothing was worth it. Can someone just show me the timeline of my life? I seriously want to know when's the ending. Seems to be nearer each day.

This 3 months, was so dramatic i think i can make a film out of it. Yet the storyline remains so uncertain even now as i'm typing this, i just can't help but hope things will be better as time goes. But comon', life's no fairy tale. Even those dramas in the tv are kinda bullshit ain't it?

If you are question or wondering why i sound so pissed, fierce or anything in this post, all i can tell you is that try being me. Try going through this period of time, try doing things i did, try imagine me. Of cause i know along the way, people got hurt too. And since i'm not a Saint or anything, i can't claim all the credits. If you're one of those who suffered, i'm really sorry, and i hope time will heal all wounds.

Living is such a chore that you keep wanting to make the best out of life, yet more than often, you don't get what you wish or hope to. Simple things like eating a plate of chicken rice can be so unsatisfying for that your heart wants to eat chicken chop. Staying awake trying to think of someone when someone is already sleeping sound and tight. Given $5, one will yearn for $10 or more.

Trying so hard to prove to someone your capabilities yet you only prove yourself to be the biggest fool. Trying so hard to make things right, yet you only managed to make things even worse. Trying so hard to convince yourself you're right, yet you only managed to convince yourself you're wrong. Trying to be perfect but nothing was worth it.

January is rainy season. And i see lotsa of unhappiness everywhere. Is there really nothing to be happy about? Nothing to be happy for? I guess the only thing i want to say before i end is that, if things are meant to be, it will be. Trying to be smart again, but who really do believe in this nonsense. As humans, we tend to put things our hands and try to gain our own destiny, who will simply laid back and wait for things to happen.

Last note, if love is something that brings two together, what's the thing that separate them? Hate is not the key to this question. Try harder and you might get it too.

Till then.

Here goes:

1. Who eats more?
I think lately you eat more.

2. Who said “I love you” first?
Me.

3. Who is the morning person?
You. I'm too pig to wake up early.

4. Who sings better?
Definitely you. I can't sing for nuts.

5. Who’s older?
Me. Old man.

6. Who’s smarter?
Me got IQ, you got EQ.

7. Whose temper is worse?
You? But lately mine is bad.

8. Who does the laundry?
You gotwashing machine, i got mummy.

9. Who does the dishes?
Me.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
I'm left, so you're right.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
US 11. How to win mine.

12. Whose hair is longer?
Yours.

13. Who’s better with the computer?
I'm computing student. What you think?

14. Do you have pets?
Nopes.

15. Who pays the bills?
Both.

16. Who cooks dinner?
Ha. Your mummy.

17. Who drives when you are together?
Either your brother or your daddy.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
Split?

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
Ha. you.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Me i guess.

21. Whose family do you see more?
Yours.

22. Who named your pet?
No pets eh.

23. Who kissed who first?
Me. Guys ma.

24. Who asked who out?
Haha. Me. Mute date.

25. Who’s more sensitive?
I'm the most insensitive pig.

27. Who’s taller?
I'm 20cm taller.

28. Who has more friends?
Not me.

29. Who has more siblings?
Same 3. I'm the youngest though.

30. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Think more of you! Haha