What would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud?

Has been always wanting to post something here, but hasn't really got the time and clear thoughts to do so. While going back home last night, somehow the journey seems much more longer, yet the time taken was the same. And that's when the thoughts start flowing like untamed water down the waterfall.

It has always been me or perhaps my belief that, i should do what i want from others first. Though of cause there were few times i broke this thought of myself and did otherwise. Yet when it comes to something i treasure or someone i value, i tend to stick to the principle alot more. And so you must be thinking, well, what's wrong with that? I thought so too, but in reality, you have to see what the situation is. The medicine that works wonder for you, may just be poison to another.

I received a call last night, though it was pretty random, it struck me as another reminder that what i'm doing right now might just be not working. You may want to put it as i'm prescribing doses of medicine to my patient which it has be proven in the medical field that it works wonder. Yet the patient doesn't seems to recover well enough, and it appears to be draining alot of side effects to him.

I have made quite alot of mistakes in life, and those mistakes i committed, have a tendency to stay in my head for quite some time. During my service in OCS, my mentor once told me during an evaluation of my field appointment, that the worst decision is not making any decision. The worst part as a commander of a troop is to let them cross the line and spoilt them with my leniency. Though during my 9 months command as an officer, i still tend to treat my guys as friends and give them certain amount of privileges which other deemed as i'm too slack.

Guess that's the irony of life in many situations. When you want to be nice to someone, you might just fall into the trap of letting them step on your head. During my poly days, i had this analogy with a friend, and that's i'm someone who lets people step onto my head, shit on it, and i will clean it up myself and let them continue doing the same. If you guys know me well enough, maybe, perhaps, you will agree on this too.

Coming back to the main topic of this post, and relating to the title of this post, some of you probably know that it is part of the lyrics of a song. A couple years back, i managed to catch the movie, "The Butterfly Effect" and that's when i first heard the song.

For the benefit of those who haven't seen this movie featuring Ashton Kutcher, it's a sad love story whereby a guy discovers a way to travel back in time to his troubled childhood as himself at that age. His goal is to change his life by changing painful events from his childhood. He finds that a very small change from his childhood will dramatically change his life today.

He is not pleased with the results of his first trip back, so he makes another trip to change another bad event, hoping for a better life. Unfortunately, he must return to his childhood many times, because his alternate future gets worse with each trip. Especially for the gal he loved. Yet the more the tried, and explained to the gal as he head back to the past, the lousier the situation gets. He finally decides let go of her and he went back all the way to the time when they were kids and he whispered to the gal he hates her or she's ugly, something like that.

Then he burnt all the photos and stuff which has memories of her and his childhood for that he needs them to be able to go back to the past. Tagline for the movie, "Change one thing, change everything."

And so there's another movie right now, titled, "Away from her". Shall post the spoiler here for you guys to read. Probably a good watch too. "Sometimes you have to let go of what you can't live without".

I guess this sums up everything i have for this post. Nothing constructive, but maybe you guys might wanna watch these 2 films and you tell me how you feel. Bottomline, it's just so weird that sometimes the harder we try, the more pain we are inflicting to others. Not to mention the double pain to ourselves.

Till then.