Whining again.

3rd June.. i realised i'm not doing anything constructive for the
last 2 months. seriously, i'm starting to dislike the lifestyle i'm
in now. my friend was telling me something about what my ex-classmate
felt about me. from a nice pleasant guy, to someone whom people can
only shake their heads when being asked about me.

i started looking back. even though is not something worth doing so.
cos what is done is done. but after i did some recap, i realised, i
have really change alot. to the certain extend that when i look at
myself in the mirror, i felt distant about the reflection i saw.
who am i now?

i was told, i look arrogant, snobbish, guy with a heck-care attitude,
can't be bother with things, lives in a world thinking that even if
you're gone, there is always someone else, cold, stay-away from me
look... etc.. all the negative aspects. so now, should i be bothered
by it? or should i just live my own life? i don't know now.

i always thought that whenever someone appoarches me for help, i
always do my best. i never snob at you cos you're inferior than me.
just because, i'm not like those guys, who will always crack lame
jokes, flooding you with all the sweet talks, drives big cars, born
with silver spoon, model looks, i'm pretty much at a losing end.

yea, i know, you guys are going to say, "well, all that doesn't
really matters. most important is the character..." ok, enough about
this issue, its almost the same as chicken and egg, there's never an
ending to it.

so what's my point? look, i'm just a human, why do i have such a high
standard that i have to follow? quoting back a phrase i posted last
time, it says, "never try to impress someone, for that you will have
to maintain the standard for the rest of your life". so now, are the
standards all set by myself? for that i tried to be nice at the wrong
time, and i can tell you, its not just once or twice, its umpteen
times. at the end of the day, what do i get?

i saw a phrase somewhere, it says, "kindness and loyalty will only be
mocked at 90% of the time. only one will truly appreciates you." you
know what? i've kinda given up on that hope of; one truly appreciate me.
in short, what i'm going to hope now is that, today i might treat you
like an angel, doing all the things for you, but remember, they come
with price tags and that's sacrificing my own interest.

its way perfectly fine for you not to appreciate the stupid things i
did, or they might even seemed too small an effort to be notice by you,
but at the end of the day, if i'm just one of your jokes for discussions,
and i managed to make you smile for a sec or two, i suppose that's the
best of the worst i can ever get.

i'm not trying to enforce something here, nor i'm doing some whining.
yes, the posts i made are all pessmistic posts. the comments i made
seemed like the whole world is against me. you must be thinking about
these in your heart, "are things that bad?", "are you ok?", "is
something bothering you?", "are you sick?".

ok, i solemnly declare that i'm in a perfect state of mind, and i'm
doing fine. i do think a lot at times, so much that i get headaches
just like some common flu. i'm not sick, nor i'm trying to seek
attention. i'm also not here to make you guys treat me better or
anything. and definitely, i'm not one who in the worst of shape.
i'm way too fortunate compared to many.

the point that i wish to get across is that, for one, he might think
that being nice is good. for another, he might just want to have a
friend who is always ever nice to you. but for the either, please
remember, nothing is free in this world, your happiness is often
buried on top of someone's else saddness. so the next time you start
cursing one, think. the next time you take people's kind acts for
granted, think. the next time you start harbouring paybacks for
what you have put forth, think.

lastly, to all those who have asked me to be nice selectively,
not to do stupid things, stay cheerful, be more optimistic, do
things you like, don't brood over the past. i have to say, thank
you. but, i may be a pretty good listener and advisor to you, i'm
pretty much emotionally attached when the time comes again.

6 billions of population in the world. who am i, and how am i going
to make a huge impact of what people perceives. and why am i so
keen to make everyone think more? can't i just leave everyone alone.
just shut up, move on, get a life. for the fact that i've only seen
like only 1/4 of the cruel world?

you know, everytime i look back, i always see the brighter side of
my friends in the past. as the time passed, it often gets grey, and
eventually turns total black. i'm refering to the way they spoke to
me, the way they ask me for favours, the appreciation shown, the
enthusiasm.. all these, they never fail to fade away. and often,
i wonder why.

is it a sign of taking things for granted? i don't know. and are
those "please", "thank you" so important to me?

i think its more like when you woke up one day, you realised the air
is no longer around, you can't breathe anymore and you fought hard
even with your dearest siblings, your loved ones, just for that
small tank of oxygen.

i'm getting long-winded here again. sad to say, i'm who i am, and
since i can't change the fact, i'll probably have to do things to
enrich it. may it be doing silly things, or what-so-ever, having a
clear conscious is all that matters.

maybe i do have a big ego too hard to swallow. maybe i have simply
rejected the thinking that i should be less skeptical towards the
things around me. sad to say, jeri is not someone whom you should
associate with. friends who saddens you more, often are pretty much
not worth keeping. but if you do keep one at your heart. i'm happy
to say, you're a noble person. may the force be with you.

stupidity is just simply embedded in me.
contradicting is the way of life for me.

till then.