Doormat

About a year ago, the word "Doormat" came to me as something new and meaningful. Probably the first thing that come to one's mind is of cos iterally the doormat that's placed near a door. But here, i don't meant just like that. It has something else more interesting to look into it.

Let's talk about the purpose of a doormat. I suppose it's used for decoration, something that's used to step on and a medium for one to wipe their moist sole. Look deeper into it, and it's not difficult to understand that if you're labelled or considered as a doormat, probably it just mean that you're someone who's not to be considered as human for a start.

You will just probably be one who has few friends, always being make used of, always alone and left in the cold, always yearning for attention. Stupid as it sounds, whenever someone stepped onto you, you felt good. You would want to bring out the best of yourself, hoping that particular person will take a second look at the mat he/she is stepping on.

You would felt happy at that particular moment, cos you felt warmth and not alone. In spite of these happening only for split seconds, you felt like it's for years. Before you know, the person has left, after cleaning or drying their soles on you. You feel used, you feel cold, you feel like dying.

What's left behind are just vague traces of those who had stepped upon you, with dirt and dust all accumulated on you, and slowly you start to wear and tear. Who's there to save you from all these misery? Probably no one..

You pray hard for a day that your owner will come and put you through a spinning machine, called the washing machine, cleaning and drying you up. When it's done, you are thrown back to the same spot you stood for years. As much as you wish you're no longer back near the same old dull door, you will hope you're not replaced by a new doormat and thrown into a cold dungeon, called the storeroom.

You start questioning yourself, whether being a doormat is something noble or something considered the lowest form of life. You question the purpose of life, and you never ever felt appreciated. You hope to contribute more to the world, trying hard to be nice by doing your job well, but at the end of the day, you know you are just simply a doormat.

You try to cheer yourself up and stood by your job with full devotion. You try to convince yourself, what you have done may be just a small act for others, it meant alot to you. You hope for a perfect day whereby you finally got a break from all these.

As i looked at my grey doormat which has stood there for years, while i'm typing this, i could see the sad look staring straight into my eyes. You can't help wonder how it felt over the years, but yet one can only imagine and will never truly understand it.

The taste of being doormat is something which could easily brings one down, down deep into depression. On days you felt real down, you could only feel your bleeding heart, and see your own lonely shadow. For so much you have done, you just simply wish to give up, everytime and everyday... cos you are just trying too hard, trying to be someone...

Simply me

Just before i book in yet again, i decided to post another post. Last night, i was out with my poly friends, searching for a birthday present for another friend. Had a chat and things that happened in the past started pouring back to me. All the stupid silly sad stuff i meant. Not going to mention them here again. And just moments ago, i encountered something and somehow it only makes me feel that, perhaps one's life is pretty much predestinated.

Did a test today, sorta like a personality test called Colorgenics, and it's pretty accurate. Basically saying that i'm a pessimist and that i should get over with things. I guess for now, i better move on. How i wish i'm not me.

Changed to a new song by Green Day, titled: When Me Up When September Ends. When i wake up, i know things will still be the same. Simply me.

End of PTP, Start of BMT

Just got back home for my 3rd book out since the start of my army life. And sad to say, from this week onwards, all my book out will be on Saturdays. This weeks is the start of BMT phase for me. 4 weeks of PTP has ended, and the direct enhanced BMT batch of new recruits got enlisted yesterday.

Yesterday as the new recruits started coming in with their families or relatives, my mind was brought back to a month ago. That's when i "checked in" to "Resort Tekong". How time flies. It has been a month since i start my military life, and come to think again, i think i'm glad i got in as PTP batch (those who failed or didn't obtain Silver in Napfa), as this period of time acts as a good adjustment period and of cause, we do enjoy a better spread of training schedule as compared to those direct enhanced BMT batch.

Staying away from home isn't really the issue, instead the people you faced, the instructions/orders given by our commanders can sometime pissed and stressed you off. I just saw my friend Jason's blog and i think everyone who gone through army will have the same sentiments. As in, you will see all sorts of people, and of cause, it shouldn't come as a surprise, for the fact that everyone is different and unique by nature.

As for me myself, i'm keeping myself low profile. Just do what i'm instructed to do, put in my best effort when it comes to physical trainings and it's just for a simple fact that, at the end of the day, i'm just cheating myself if i didn't put in effort. And of cos with that, i hope to obtain at least an IPPT Silver for when i passed out from BMT and therefore increase my chances of going to Officer Cadet School (OCS).

Speaking about OCS, i've received my Computerized Pilot Selection System Test (CPSS) results and i'm proud and happy that i've managed to pass it. 2 more stages to go: Pilot Selection Interview and Pilot Medical Examination. They haven't fixed my interview date yet, cos i'm required to reply back a letter back to them to confirm my indication to join RSAF. In short, i've to sign on for them and only if i'm interested, they will then probably schedule the rest of assessments for me.

I saw the road map for pilot training stages and i must say, it's really tough to be a pilot. Performance will be monitored and graded at every stage before one advance to the next. At any point of time, you can be kicked out of the training if you fail to meet the requirements at any stage, and this include de-wing even at the last stage of Advanced Flying Phase.

========================================
Training Stage ------------------------- Duration
========================================
Airgrading Course
in Tamworth, Australia ------------------ 2 months

Officer Cadet Training,
Tri Service Team ------------------------ 1 month

Air Force Service Team ------------------ 2 months

Basic Flying Phase as Flying Training
School in Pearce, Australia ------------- 10 months

Advanced Flying Phase
- Fighter Aircraft, France
- Transport Aircraft, Singapore --------- 11 months
- Helicopters, Singapore

========================================
Wings ----------------------------------- Approx 26 months
========================================

Nonetheless, i've decided to go for it. Nothing in this world comes without trying or without paying something in return for it. I suppose you can call it no pain no gain.

My friend Crystal was saying that if i chose this route, probably i won't have to worry about what course to take for my University. Luckily there's this University Cadet Pilot Training Scheme(UCPTS), whereby i can still study local University and will be paid full salary during my course of study. But all these are still early talks. Shall let them come if they do.

Alright, that's all i have for this week. Till then.

Quick update

Got a "long" weekend this week again. Nothing much happened this week, except last Monday whereby i went down to CMPB to have my Aptitude test taken. Seems lucky and fortunate that i managed to book out on Monday, just after we book in on the previous Sunday evening, but it wasn't really that case.

On the Monday morning, right after our 2.4km run, i had to rush to change to my uniform to catch the 9am fast-craft back to mainland. Stupid as it is, i missed the craft and i had to wait for the 10am ride. Prior to this, Derrick was telling me, probably there will be a bus or something which will pick up all those going for the test from the Changi Ferry Terminal to CMPB. But again, it wasn't the case.

It seems like i was the only one who is going down, and thus i had to take cab down from the ferry terminal, all the way to CMPB and it cost like $18? So it ended up $36 just for the test, taking into account that i had to take cab back too.

I got there around 1115 and the test starts at 1230. So i had to like sit there for 1 hour plus, and then i was thinking perhaps i should have take my own sweet time going down, instead of rushing and taking the cab.

Was told to sign some forms and the rest of the candidates start coming in. End up, including me, only 6 turn up. Before the start of the test, we were briefed about how the pilot selection goes.

Firstly, the Aptitude pilot selection computer test. Results will be out 2-4 weeks time. Secondly, those who got through it, will then be scheduled for an interview. And the last phase will be the strict medical checkup. Was told that by then, usually after the medical checkup, 60% will be cut off.

If one is able to get through all the 3 phases, he will have to complete his BMT first and will then be placed directly to OCS, which is the Officer Cadet School. After which, when he is commissioned as Officer, then the real pilot training will start.

Considering all these, it's kinda obvious that, by then, they would have force you to sign on with the RSAF. Probably they wouldn't want to waste time training you and when your NS term ends, you bid them goodbye.

So after the brief, we went to have our test taken. The test itself is pretty mental stressing. Towards the end of the test, i was pretty much in the state of "anyhow". 5 hour long, with 5-10 minutes break in between, and the time passed without me knowing much about it.

The test consisted of some tactical viewing of the controls, picture comprehension, substraction, test of multi-tasking, logic tests, hand and feet coordinations and etc. Most of them are timed, or given limited time to work on.

Didn't managed to get everything correct for some sections, but i just did what i can and treat it as a leisure test. At the end of it, everyone is given an Air Force small clock as a souvenir.

Another interesting thing was that when i took cab back to Changi Ferry Terminal, the cab driver was chatting with me the whole journey. He asked me how come i'm at CMPB and not at Tekong. Ha! He must have though i went AWOL. I told him i went for the test then he started asking me some stuff.

He was asking me how i feel after the test, as in my confidence level of getting through this test. He suggested me to play those aircraft games to train my alertness. Lastly, to my surprise, after knowing that i haven't had my lunch since my breakfast at 6am that day, he opened up the passenger's drawer and gave me his last stick of "FruitTips" candy.

After like years of cab riding experience, he's definitely one i'll remember for life. And this only shows me one thing, nice guy might not be rewarded for his good deeds, but the memories of him will stayed on with one, forever.

Before i left, he wished me all the best for my pilot selection and he only asked for $18 for the trip after knowing that i'm paying my own transport, and that when i went down to CMPB with a Union cab, i was charged $18, but his was $19.70.

The rest of the days were pretty much the same. Probably the only "excited" part was that, we are issued our "wives": M16S1 rifles. Other than that, the training was pretty much the same, so much so that we are dreading them now.

Alright, that's all i have. Gonna rest more this weekend, as i heard my next weekend will be pretty much burned up, with the fact that i'll be booking out on Satuarday next week.

Before i leave, gonna leave you guys with some quotes i came across during my days in army.

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, remember to always bring your own sunshine."
"To wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."
"Tough time don't last, tough man do."

Till then.

Start of military life

After 2 weeks of compulsory confinement, i'm finally home on the Thursday evening. Will be booking in later at 2015, and even it's considered a long weekends, time really flies. Lucky for me i get to book out again on Monday morning, for my Computerized Pilot Selection Test. So basically i just book in to sleep over the night and book out for the 5 hours test.

Many are asking me how's life as a NSF. Well, so far so good. At least, it's still within my expectations. Though this 2 weeks are our supposedly honeymoon period, i must say apart from the slacking admin time we do get to enjoy, the training itself can be quite demanding. Got to put in our best effort in order to get the best out of it.

Still got 11 more weeks to go before my BMT phase concludes, in the meantime, i'll just take what's given to me. Of cos, i'm striving to pass my IPPT and hopefully manage to get into the vocational i'm dreading for.

Alright, just all these at the moment, nothing much for me. I take care of myself and hopefully bring back good news regarding my pilot selection. And for those out there, stay happy, take care and rock on!

Till then.

So long and good night...

Alright, this eagerly anticipated post shall be my last for the next 2 weeks. In another 5 hours time, I'll be heading toward the so-called "manhood" lifestyle and trainings. Quoting from what my friend Derrick used to say, blend with the forest and live like a monk.

Prior to today, I seem to have endless thoughts in mind that I wish to express it here before I leave for my enlistment. But right now, it seems like I've nothing much to write. For the next few paragraphs, I'll try to mention and thank all the people who have pretty much left his/her footprints in my heart. Pardon me if I left out some of your names, and if I get too pessimistic, just bear with it.

For a start, this is the 193rd post since I started blogging way back in August 2003. It started off with just mentioning of daily stuff, and slowly evolving to sad tales, sad clips, sad songs, sad analogies and not to mention, this sad template. For those who has been following my blog since then, a very big thank you for your continuous support.

Now, how should I start?

For the past 20 years, probably there are way too many people who have crossed my path and had somehow left behind some good memories. Starting from way back to 13 years ago (I've skipped the earlier phases before this, cause my memories isn't that great enough to recall the names before this.), that's when I'm in my primary school days.

Some names I could still recall, was Mrs. Sim, the so-called tigress of my school. She's my social studies teacher when I was primary 3 and hell-yeah, she's one who bites. There's an incident that I could remember, for one of her lesson, I forgot to bring the textbook for class, and she ordered me to get it from the class next door.

For some reasons, maybe I'm shy or got freak out after she raised her voice at me, I just pretend to walk out of the class towards the neighbour classrooms, and came back telling her no one has the text to lend me, even though I didn't went in to any of the classrooms asking for it.

And guess what? She's smart enough to see that I came back pretty fast and immediately gave me a good dressing down for that I didn't even asked at all and came back lying to her. So I went back the second time round and thank god, some kind soul has the text to lend me.

Probably this is the start of my rebellious, attitude character building.

Those primary school days are probably the most relaxing, innocent, naive days. Used to like play table tennis after school ends around 6pm till late, go around the estate playing block catching until the residents called up the police for that we are making too much noise and hogging the lifts, started all the classroom puppy love gossips whereby there will be a gals group and the guys group always discussing about each other and doing silly match-making for one another, and many other innocent childhood stuff.

Of cause not to mention those friends I made; Siah Jen, Gerome, Ji kun, Kar Wai, Derek, Dong Hao, Elizabeth, Yuan Xia, Jolene, Sandy. Sorry if I can't recall some of the names out there. Siah Jen, whose probably the closest buddy of mine since we were classmates from primary 1 all the way to primary 6.

He was the smartest in class, and I could remember towards the end of primary 6, he's the one who is able to solve any difficult Mathematics problems set by our teachers. And to my knowledge, he excelled again in his secondary days, JC and even now as an officer in Air Force.

Kar Wai, my table tennis and Nitendo playmate, and is also the famous guy from our primary school batch who dated Fann Wong's younger sis during his secondary days. Ji Kun, my badminton playmate, and his dad who's a great badminton player but unfortunately passed away about 7 years ago. Gerome, the great striker in soccer and has been my schoolmate for quite a long time, stretching from primary 1 all the way to secondary 4.

Came my secondary school life thereafter, and again, the first 2 years of my secondary days are probably the best I could every get. The most unforgettable incident was that there's a inter-class soccer competition when I was in secondary 1. We joined class with the class 1 students as I'm in class 2. The competition was stretch from Express stream all the way to Normal Technical.

With no offence in mind, Normal Technical classes tend to have more Malays and are rougher with their playing style. Everyone deemed that our combination with class 1 will get us no where, and especially the fact that we are the only team with all Chinese. For some reasons, back then, soccer is ruled by the Malays.

School team will have like 90% of the members are Malays. So before the start of the competition, we are already deemed as the losers who will be finishing last with zero wins.

Against all odds, our team is the only team who won all the 3 matches, and therefore won the Inter-class soccer competition. All the team members who played in the competition became good friends. Khing tat, Sida, Desmond, Gerome, Yi Xiang, June Hua, are some of the names I can managed to recall. Sorry again for those names I missed out. Can't remember who was in the team, probably too mixed up with other friends who didn't played in the competition.

And when I was in secondary 1 and 2, the thing that got me the title of "Malay" was the countless days of soccer before and after school. Got pretty tanned out prior to the fact that we played regardless of rain or shine. At that time where there's still the system of alternate sessions like afternoon session for secondary 1 and morning session for secondary 2.

So when it's morning session, we will come to school way before assembly, and play soccer for like 20-30 minutes, sweat it all out and then have to stand at the back of the class for that our shirts are soaked. And then after school, we will start kicking again, from 2pm till 6pm.

School shoes have to replace like every 2 months and we will get the US Masters or All-Star school shoes, for that there's an extra pimples strip at the front for us to curve and bend the ball imitating the hot soccer star, David Beckham's famous banana free kicks.

Slowly we moved to play street soccer, and then we reach the point of like losing soccer balls at quite a fast rate simply either the ball was kicked to the road and got burst or totally worn out.

Something nice about secondary school days was that when we all got to secondary 4, before we graduated with our O Levels, it seems pretty much like we know each and everyone in the whole cohort.

Of cause, not forgetting my NCC days which we used to call it ECA, and yeah, I'm in the NCC uniform group. And that period of time as a cadet is definitely going to be useful for me in the next 2 years. Recalling those days whereby I'll be the rebellious and attitude cadet who likes to argue with my Sergeants and get punished most of the time.

So much so, I was told that my attitude in my first 2 years as a cadet left me bad mark to me name and therefore I wasn't able to rise up the ranks to be Staff Sergeant or anything higher like ASM or CSM. But I was still able to get my 1st Sergeant rank and was given the post as Specialist In-Charge.

The days as cadet really taught me a lot of things. Remembering the Specialist course I attended, whereby we were on course for 5 days, was an experience one could never forget. The trainings, the punishments and the discipline have somehow changed my thinking to be more mature.

CLT Bernard Tan was one who I could remember. He's used to be my Sergeant when I was in secondary 1, and then become our Sir when he graduated and came back as Cadet Lieutenant. He's a strict Sir but a good friend as a whole.

Names to mention yet again; Derrick, Eugene, Soon tat, Sida, June Hua, Swee Liang, Yi Xiang, Desmond, Yu Zhong, Seow Chin, Jin Han, Melvin, Gerome, Khing Tat, Seline, Cui Cui, Hui Shan, Jillian, Serene, Sok Ling, Hui Ying. (Sorry, if I can't recall you).
A very big thank you to all of you guys.

The most recent schooling time will be my poly life. 3 years with many happenings. Sad and sorry to say, DBI0203 isn't a class that one would call it a class. We are mainly divided into 2 groups and of cause; I'm so called the bastard in class. Long story behind it, not to say I'm right or who's wrong, I think it's just misunderstandings.

Days as a poly student is pretty much dull for me. Was pretty much less active in sports, and have nothing but projects to be done. I remembered during my first semester when I was in year 2, I stayed back in labs doing up my projects for like almost every single day until lab closed at 10pm.

That's how hardcore I'll be at that time. But ever since I got my laptop, I'll just do them at home, at a very slow pace, simply gaming all the time.

Something I've learnt from one of my lecturer when I complained to her about the unfair project marking system whereby I felt that hard work by an individual in a group project is never recognized, was that learning is more than the grades I get at the end of the day.

Getting Distinctions and all the As doesn't mean much. Till now, I totally agree with this point. Just ask yourself if you are able to teach and educate some other people with those modules you scored well and what's the real meaning behind all the studying.

Names to mention; Zheng Cun, Deming, Ching Wei, Farhan, Sam, Derrick, Kenneth, Wendy, Michelle, Iris, Wen Sze, Ristina, Shenyan, Liu Ting, Pauline, Hanis, Adeline, Crystal. (Sorry if I left out your name.)

Gaming days are also something worth mentioning here. Gunbound and Maple Story are the 2 games which kept me staying up and occupied for quite some days. Had a lot of fun especially in Gunbound, made nice friends, and not forgetting some gatherings we had.
Names to mention: Kenneth, Jacky, Jason, Esther, Hui ling, Erina, Karen, Yao, Elena, Sharin. (Sorry if I left out your name.)

3 notable working experiences I had were at Clarke Quay Thanying Thai restaurant, Hasbro Christmas Village at Expo and Jay Gee (Levi's) at Plaza Singapura. The longest was the time I spent 2 years at Thanying restaurant, the time where I learnt what customer service is about, and experience all the nice Thai food. Jimmy and Calvin are the 2 TP friends I made while working there. Had lots of fun over there.

Hasbro, the most slack and well-paid job I ever had. It was also the first time I actually had Christmas present exchange with my colleagues. The kids over there are generally cute and fun too. Christopher, Timothy, Leon, Nicholas, Azmi, Levian, Pei Lan, Amanda, Xiu ling, Charmaine are the friends I made over there. 1 short month over there that seems forever nice and great.

Lastly, the Levi's time I had over at Plaza Singapura. First exposure to retail line and I must say, it's not easy to be one good customer service assistant. Learnt a lot about Levi's products and how retail line works. Not forgetting the punk rock I got into, the lame dirty jokes, and all the instant noodles I had. Excellent colleagues over there like Don, Desmond, Kheong, Ida, Mel and Susie our boutique manager.

Alright, I hope I have mentioned all the names I could possibly think of. Right now, I'm actually not in a perfect state of mind to write much about everything I wish I can. There are a lot more issues and stuff I may wish to write them all down, but I guess its going to be like a least 10 pages long.

I've took 2 hours to write till here. And now, I'm left with 2 hours before I bid farewell to my bed. So before I end up, time to be emotional yet again.

As most of you guys reading would have know, I'm pretty much a pessimistic guy. Even at times, I don't mind it, but I'll just mention all the nasty, dreadful things. Like death is something I'll hang around my mouth. So it's time for me to write a death wish here, just in case something bad really goes wrong when I'm inside.

Yeah, I know, nothing bad will happen, at least not death that serious right? But there's always a but, so I'll just write my say here. Fingers crossed, if I do faced death, I hope my funeral to be all black. Bury me in black. Black coffin, black suit for me, black funeral theme, with black and white roses.

Ok, enough of that. On the last serious note, to all my friends reading this, take good care.

For those who always get relationship problems, just be strong and things will work out fine, for those who are studying, study well and simply do your best and not be too concern about results, for those working out there, work hard and learnt as much as you can, for those who is always sick, take care of your health, for those who hates me, time to let go the hatred, for those who likes me, (is there one?) I'll be strong.

Since I'm going in army for 2 years, there must be some resolutions I hope to achieve at the end of it. For me, I hope to be able to be a pilot for which I know it's never easy, and the least I hope to be is to be an officer. Shall work hard for it.

Alright, gotta prepare and check my stuff, lunch and get going soon. To all the friends out there, stay positive, stay cool, stay punk and stay out of trouble. May the force be with you.

So long and good night...


Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Oasis

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

You were happy once....... with me.

These couple of days has been unusually solemn and cold. Ever since my off day last Thursday, i realised i've been keeping to myself. Emptiness, loneliness or whatsoever it is, i'm not sure of myself either. Perhaps it could be the fact that my enlistment is just round the corner, but it's never something i would be bothered by it. Nevertheless, one thing for sure, is that, i'm starting to think again...

.
.
.

6 years ago, i never knew what's right, what's good, or even what I wanted. Hooking myself on the phone everyday, dialing the same number again and again. Studies has never been my precedence because the only thing i had in mind and ever want to do, is simply to hear a voice over and over again. A voice that's so ever sweet and innocent, it became a drug to me.

Without realising, the drug was strong and addictive. So strong so addictive, you got into it too. Everything seems perfect and everlasting, with not a slightest hint, that it's just a bubble, simply a fragile vapor, waiting to burst off.

Losing crave for the drug, i simply let myself go. I never thought that i'll lose it forever. Even when the odds are all stacked against me, i never gave the slightest attention to it. The day i heard the same voice again, the same voice which accompanied me for months, that's when i realised it seems likes such fun, until i lose what i've won.

I saw your pretty smile, your familiar voice and a guy. The guy, whom i used to picture myself to be by your side, was simply a dream. When the dream's over, the guy was never to be. It's someone else. I've only myself to blame and kill, for which i hanged myself high and up, for which i never appreciated you and for which i knew i never deserve you.

Even the day i saw you again, you could only smile and nod with your arms round the guy next to you, and all that i could, was simply, smile too. I'll never be able to change what's been and gone...

5 years ago, the word 'love' came to me. The countless calls, the countless waiting, the countless joy, the countless arguments, the countless me and you, all the countless time spent, was spread out for a very long, long 3 years. Though i tried to be a better man, i've failed times and times. I never thanked for what you've have been and done. As i thought i could thank you for that but i'll never get a chance.

The tears i saw and wiped away from you, was enough to sentence me at least 3 death penalties. I knew i'm never a perfect one for you, simply too naive hoping to be one. The day i bid you goodbye, was the day i want you to be full of joy.

The promises i made and the sorrows i gave, i wish i could take them all away. But you and i know, the joy and fun was simply part of it. It gave us some place to go and hide, and i'll thank you for that...

2 days back, when i'm walking home after a day's of work, in the midst of my deep thoughts, i glazed up the sky and the round full moon greeted me yet again. Probably it's the 15th day of the current lunar month, and with that, it brought me back 14 months.

14 months ago, it is the same full moon which accompanied me for quite some occasions. I used to look straight up the moon whenever i'm walking back home during that period of time. Somehow the moon acts as a guiding light for me, and at the same time, i will tell myself, the one i wish to be be my side was never to be, but i'm glad cause i knew i was never alone.

The long journey home back then was ever cold and dark. Loneliness and sadness were the only 2 who joined me throughout the long long path. On days, when i asked myself what am i doing, and what i really want, i looked at the moon and i'll be greeted with a smile, a ever cold white smile, which never fail to fade off.

Back then, i was trying to be someone, and that i forget who i really am. Searching for something i thought i lost, thus every time i try to make a difference, but i end up doing more harm. The day i paused, stopped and realised that even when it's tough to be myself, it's not to be someone else, you asked me why.

A why which i couldn't even explain myself. For which you know, you have hurt me deep, and for what i've ever done for you, you know that probably there's no one, no one else, ever in this world, who could have done it, just for you...

4 months ago, for weeks and months i'll be sleeping all day, staying up all night. I'll be writing stories, computing analogies, gaming all night, just to pass my time. I never knew where i'm heading and what to do with all my time.

You showed me what i could do with my time, spent my birthday with me and shared with me your past. You brought me the fun and joys with the numerous nights. On sleepless nights, i knew where i can head to and spend some wonderful quality time. On lonely days, you gave me stuff to view and watch.

I shared my knowledge in exchange for a better ties. I did stuff i told myself never to do so. I hate myself at times but I never knew i'll fall so deep. One day, i decided to gave up all these, for which i knew letting go is the only option for me. I'll thank you for this, and we will never stop moving forward, even if one day, we have to go our separate ways...

Prior to these backtracking of my past, i've got 2 notes to share:

1. Will you give up hearing or sight if you have to?
Short fact about senses; when one passed away, sight is the first to go off, and hearing's the last.
I'll forfeit sight if i have to. No particular reason. Probably i prefer see no evil than hear no evil.

2. Given a chance to turn back the time, which part of your life will you change?
I'll do the extreme; turn back to the time i wasn't born. No particular reason yet again, probably the ugly mankind sets me this thinking.

Alright, give some thoughts to these 2 whenever you're free for some thinking.
Till then.


May Angels Lead You In
Jimmy Eat World

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god couldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

Hold on

Been some time since i last posted a blog. Finally got my day off, after working 9 days straight in a row. A couple of stuff has happened since the whole of last week, and they are things mainly related to work.

First and foremost, my first in-charge, aka the sarap(rubbish in Malay) Don has been transferred to Levi's Tampines(LTM), Men's Store. The pillar of all lame and dirty jokes is not longer seen luking around at Levi's Plaza Singapura(LPS).

As a result, our second in-charge, Mel will be the only senior and in-charge around in LPS. And that spells trouble. Trouble for which we are gonna get tempers thrown at us for nothing, countless of re-folding of jeans and tops to be done, and no-nonsense working attitude to be display at all times.

The 2 days before the official hand-over of the store to my second-in-charge, she was throwing her temper all around. Of cos, i wasn't spare the rod. Was reprimanded for nothing, and at some point of time, i felt like i'm being treated unfairly. Come to think again, i'm just a part-timer yet i'm working way off my job scope and schedule.

The whole of last month, my working hours are 217hours. As a part-timer, i just have to clock 22hours per week, which means 88hours per month. Even as a full-timer, they just have to do 44hours per week, and anything after 176hours for the month is consider over-time work.

Of cos, i did it at my own will. But the point i wish to stress was that, they should appreciate the fact that i'm helping them out alot with my schedule as they are really short of staff. Instead of dedicating tasks to me in a more reasonable and fair way, i was reprimanded for nothing and asked to do things that are way beyond my job scope.

My colleague Desmond was telling me, just do whatever a $5/hour job should do, will be enough. "Work smart not work hard." But even he could see that my second in-charge likes to dedicate the tasks to me, even though Desmond could be just 2 steps away from her, but she would call for me when i'm miles apart from her.

Put aside all these small unhappiness i faced with my work, i must admit i have learnt alot in retail line. Prior to working at Levi's, i haven't had any experience in retail, thus this 2 month stint has be rather intriguing experience for me. 2 more weeks to go and i'll end my working spell at Levi's.

For my last week of relaxation before my enlistment day, i haven't really decide what and how to spend it. Probably i need to do some packing for my stuff and get whatever i need to for my 2 weeks confinement. Time really flies. Seems like only yesterday when i was still hanging around net, gaming and downloading animations to watch. Now, it's already mid-August.

I used to say, "your shadow and time" is the best of pals who will never leave you. Time has definitely show it's worth. It's something which will stay with you, yet never able to feel it's with you. Cos even now, as you read this, the previous second is gone and you're already into the next second of time.

To whoever out there, hold on, and may the force be with you.

Till then, Rock on!

Hold On
Jet

You tried so hard to be someone
That you forget who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over

Now everything's so far away
That you don't know
Where you are
You are

When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

When it's hard to be yourself
It's not to be someone else
Still everything's so far away
That you forget where you are
You are

When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to

Hold on (x8)

When all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don't seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

Everytime
Simple Plan

It was 3am when you woke me up
And we jumped in the car and drove as far as we could go
Just to get away
We talked about our lives
Until the sun came up
And now I'm thinking about
How I wish I could go back
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
And everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
You left my life in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

When the car broke down
We just kept walking along
Till we hit this town
There was nothing there at all
But that was all okay
We spent all our money on stupid things
But if I looked back now, I'd probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
My life's been in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

Now I'm sitting here, like we used to do
I think about my life and how now there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right (Everything feels right)
Everytime I hear your name
Everytime I feel the same
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right

You walked away
Just one more day
It's all I need, just one more day with you

Words can't say what love can do..

Been working and working for the past 1 month and so now. Everyday i'll either get up at 9am for my morning shift or 11am if i'm doing afternoon shift. On days when i blogged, it's probably like today whereby i'm on afternoon shift thus i try to make use of some of my time to post some thoughts. Work has taken most of my time and there are couple of things i'm missing out alot. And that's to play and to think.

Today is the 7th of August and it marks the last month of my time before i head in Tekong to serve the nation. I'll be continuing my job at Levi's till the end of August, spend some time with my family and hopefully some friends before the start of my monk days. Throughout this period of work at Levi's, i've learnt quite alot of stuff. May it be work related things or not, the explosure to more human interactions has definitely taught me alot.

I guess that's what all humans do in life. We learn to be a better man with the things we see but of cos, not all are like that. Some are leaders, some are followers, it's just a matter of which side you fall on.

For me, it's pretty simple. Just take my work as an example, whenever i face a nasty customer, chances is that i'll get irritated and i'll tend to show kinda bad attitude towards them, just like most of you guys reading. Not to say all salesperson are like me, cos i know some have real good patience. After the particular customer has left, that's when the learning part comes. Everytime i get nasty customers, at the end of the day, i'll ask myself, will i do what he/she did when i'm a customer myself?

If my answer is a, "probably i might just be like that", i think to be fair to him/her, i just have to accept it and then practise the more polite and considerate behaviour when i'm a customer myself next time. And of cos, i'll try to show more patience when i'm serving them. This is bits and pieces of what i've learnt during my work. To see, to hear, to interact, is to be better man.

Yesterday night i spend some time reminiscing back the years. 2 weeks back when i attended my graduation ceremony, i felt that my 3 years in NYP is a complete stranger to me. Part of the reason was that, there's really nothing in the campus that's worth having a second look at it. Of cos, i've contributing nothing back to the school as well, and probably that's why i felt zero cohesion to NYP.

Attending lectures and tutorials faithfully during my first 2 years, slacking off my time during my last year, doing projects and projects for 3 years, doing shitty compilations for all the projects, making friends and foes and at the end of the day, just to get a piece of paper.

No doubt i'm a merit holder, whereby some of my friends will look at me with eyes of envy, and of cos, it has help me to be able to get a place in NUS. But till now, i still believe what we been taught and learnt in school isn't 100% measured by grades. Just because Singapore is a practical society just like anywhere in this dog-eat-dog cruel world, whereby education level counts every bit, we just have to be competitive on our grades. Fighting till our last breath trying to get a place in University, hoping to be a degree holder, so as to at least be able to find a better job.

There's this saying; "Never judge a book by its cover". Ain't we judge by how colorful our certificates were? Of cos, those CCAs and testimonials during attachments to companies, play a part too, but it's not difficult to see, grades took 70-80% off the total percentage for which how good you are, whether you're up to a job or just a seat in University.

Morale of the story, life is so short yet we have to spend 20 years of life studying just to survive in this world.

Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.
- W. Edwards Deming

I went through my emails, gunbounds pictures and some sites last night and i had a short smile at the end of it. Gunbound is another thing which has kept me occupied since the start of 2005. Make friends through guild, and had some outings as well. Funny as it sounds or seems to be, everyone started off as virtual friends and probably it's because of that, we are less skeptical towards each other? We will be nice to each and everyone, and at some point of time, i felt they are closer than my friends made in real life. But of cos, there's always a limit and difference between friends and friends made through net.

I've already left the guild for some reasons, but it's strictly personal reasons with no offence in mind. The days i had in Gunbound can never ever be exchanged for anything in this world. I may sound emotional or what, but just imagine online almost 10 hours per day just gaming with a friend day in day out, i believe it is more than just a habit.

Haven't been playing for weeks now, especially after the start of my work, and friends i used to play with till wee hours are also no longer active. Everyone has his/her own life, and it's only natural that everyone see things differently with different perspectives. Every banquet has its own ending. Time is the only deciding factor. Just want to say a big "Dank u" to the one who has been playing with me for the countless hours of fun. Things will never be the same again..

"Learn to forget the tough times, but never forget what it has taught you."

Gotta run for work now. Took me an hour just to type this post. Anyway, shall leave you guys with the song "I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi.

I may not be the one you miss or love, but when there's no one out there, i'll be there for you.

Till then.


I'll Be There For You
Bon Jovi

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide

You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we're had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

[Solo]

And I wan't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for