Doormat

About a year ago, the word "Doormat" came to me as something new and meaningful. Probably the first thing that come to one's mind is of cos iterally the doormat that's placed near a door. But here, i don't meant just like that. It has something else more interesting to look into it.

Let's talk about the purpose of a doormat. I suppose it's used for decoration, something that's used to step on and a medium for one to wipe their moist sole. Look deeper into it, and it's not difficult to understand that if you're labelled or considered as a doormat, probably it just mean that you're someone who's not to be considered as human for a start.

You will just probably be one who has few friends, always being make used of, always alone and left in the cold, always yearning for attention. Stupid as it sounds, whenever someone stepped onto you, you felt good. You would want to bring out the best of yourself, hoping that particular person will take a second look at the mat he/she is stepping on.

You would felt happy at that particular moment, cos you felt warmth and not alone. In spite of these happening only for split seconds, you felt like it's for years. Before you know, the person has left, after cleaning or drying their soles on you. You feel used, you feel cold, you feel like dying.

What's left behind are just vague traces of those who had stepped upon you, with dirt and dust all accumulated on you, and slowly you start to wear and tear. Who's there to save you from all these misery? Probably no one..

You pray hard for a day that your owner will come and put you through a spinning machine, called the washing machine, cleaning and drying you up. When it's done, you are thrown back to the same spot you stood for years. As much as you wish you're no longer back near the same old dull door, you will hope you're not replaced by a new doormat and thrown into a cold dungeon, called the storeroom.

You start questioning yourself, whether being a doormat is something noble or something considered the lowest form of life. You question the purpose of life, and you never ever felt appreciated. You hope to contribute more to the world, trying hard to be nice by doing your job well, but at the end of the day, you know you are just simply a doormat.

You try to cheer yourself up and stood by your job with full devotion. You try to convince yourself, what you have done may be just a small act for others, it meant alot to you. You hope for a perfect day whereby you finally got a break from all these.

As i looked at my grey doormat which has stood there for years, while i'm typing this, i could see the sad look staring straight into my eyes. You can't help wonder how it felt over the years, but yet one can only imagine and will never truly understand it.

The taste of being doormat is something which could easily brings one down, down deep into depression. On days you felt real down, you could only feel your bleeding heart, and see your own lonely shadow. For so much you have done, you just simply wish to give up, everytime and everyday... cos you are just trying too hard, trying to be someone...

Simply me

Just before i book in yet again, i decided to post another post. Last night, i was out with my poly friends, searching for a birthday present for another friend. Had a chat and things that happened in the past started pouring back to me. All the stupid silly sad stuff i meant. Not going to mention them here again. And just moments ago, i encountered something and somehow it only makes me feel that, perhaps one's life is pretty much predestinated.

Did a test today, sorta like a personality test called Colorgenics, and it's pretty accurate. Basically saying that i'm a pessimist and that i should get over with things. I guess for now, i better move on. How i wish i'm not me.

Changed to a new song by Green Day, titled: When Me Up When September Ends. When i wake up, i know things will still be the same. Simply me.

End of PTP, Start of BMT

Just got back home for my 3rd book out since the start of my army life. And sad to say, from this week onwards, all my book out will be on Saturdays. This weeks is the start of BMT phase for me. 4 weeks of PTP has ended, and the direct enhanced BMT batch of new recruits got enlisted yesterday.

Yesterday as the new recruits started coming in with their families or relatives, my mind was brought back to a month ago. That's when i "checked in" to "Resort Tekong". How time flies. It has been a month since i start my military life, and come to think again, i think i'm glad i got in as PTP batch (those who failed or didn't obtain Silver in Napfa), as this period of time acts as a good adjustment period and of cause, we do enjoy a better spread of training schedule as compared to those direct enhanced BMT batch.

Staying away from home isn't really the issue, instead the people you faced, the instructions/orders given by our commanders can sometime pissed and stressed you off. I just saw my friend Jason's blog and i think everyone who gone through army will have the same sentiments. As in, you will see all sorts of people, and of cause, it shouldn't come as a surprise, for the fact that everyone is different and unique by nature.

As for me myself, i'm keeping myself low profile. Just do what i'm instructed to do, put in my best effort when it comes to physical trainings and it's just for a simple fact that, at the end of the day, i'm just cheating myself if i didn't put in effort. And of cos with that, i hope to obtain at least an IPPT Silver for when i passed out from BMT and therefore increase my chances of going to Officer Cadet School (OCS).

Speaking about OCS, i've received my Computerized Pilot Selection System Test (CPSS) results and i'm proud and happy that i've managed to pass it. 2 more stages to go: Pilot Selection Interview and Pilot Medical Examination. They haven't fixed my interview date yet, cos i'm required to reply back a letter back to them to confirm my indication to join RSAF. In short, i've to sign on for them and only if i'm interested, they will then probably schedule the rest of assessments for me.

I saw the road map for pilot training stages and i must say, it's really tough to be a pilot. Performance will be monitored and graded at every stage before one advance to the next. At any point of time, you can be kicked out of the training if you fail to meet the requirements at any stage, and this include de-wing even at the last stage of Advanced Flying Phase.

========================================
Training Stage ------------------------- Duration
========================================
Airgrading Course
in Tamworth, Australia ------------------ 2 months

Officer Cadet Training,
Tri Service Team ------------------------ 1 month

Air Force Service Team ------------------ 2 months

Basic Flying Phase as Flying Training
School in Pearce, Australia ------------- 10 months

Advanced Flying Phase
- Fighter Aircraft, France
- Transport Aircraft, Singapore --------- 11 months
- Helicopters, Singapore

========================================
Wings ----------------------------------- Approx 26 months
========================================

Nonetheless, i've decided to go for it. Nothing in this world comes without trying or without paying something in return for it. I suppose you can call it no pain no gain.

My friend Crystal was saying that if i chose this route, probably i won't have to worry about what course to take for my University. Luckily there's this University Cadet Pilot Training Scheme(UCPTS), whereby i can still study local University and will be paid full salary during my course of study. But all these are still early talks. Shall let them come if they do.

Alright, that's all i have for this week. Till then.